Fish & Bird

Rushmore (1998)

Rating: R

Runtime: 93 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 25 million (approximately)

Characters: Max Fischer, Herman Blume, Rosemary Cross, Dirk Calloway, Margaret Yang, Magnus Buchan, Dr. Nelson Guggenheim, Bert Fischer, Dr. Peter Flynn, Donny Blume, Ronny Blume, Mrs. Calloway, Mr. Little Jeans

Favorite Quote: “I like your nurse’s uniform, guy.” “These are O.R. scrubs.” “Oh, are they?”

Favorite Scene: When Blume hands Rosemary Max’s letter and then runs away

Favorite Character: Herman Blume

Other need-to-see nineties movies directed by Wes Anderson: Bottle Rocket

“She’s my Rushmore, Max.” A great quote and a great conversation starter. But more on that later. Rushmore is probably a movie that you either love or hate. There are characters that you probably love: Rosemary, the teacher that enjoys aquariums and carrots, and Margaret Yang, the girl who is right in front of you the whole time. There are characters that you probably don’t love: Max Fischer, the boy who enjoys whiskey sours and hand-jobs from Mrs. Calloway, and Herman Blume, the millionaire who was in the shit during Vietnam. Herman Blume was my favorite because it is Bill Murray, and Herman does many small things throughout the movie that if you are paying attention are hilarious.

The first time I heard my favorite quote from the movie I am sure I laughed out loud, and 20 years later it still makes me laugh. It is during the dinner scene with Max, Herman, Rosemary, and Dr. Peter Flynn. Max obviously hates Peter, so the sarcastic “I like your nurse’s uniform, guy.” “These are O.R. scrubs.” “Oh, are they?” is so uncomfortably awesome that it has to be everyone’s favorite. That was almost my favorite scene too, but like I said earlier, Herman has some simple actions that add up to him being my favorite and when he hands Rosemary Max’s letter and runs away it gets me every time.

Max is really into writing/acting in plays, from Serpico to Heaven and Hell. Me, it’s basketball. Which brings me back to the “She’s my Rushmore, Max” quote. What is my Rushmore? And by that, I mean which four basketball players would I choose as the best I have ever seen? The first three are easy: Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, and Michael Jordan. The fourth took some thought. I ruled out anyone I never saw play, like Wilt Chamberlain or Bill Russell, anyone I saw play but when they were old and not in their prime, like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar or Julius Erving, and anyone that I saw play in their prime but after I stopped caring about pro basketball, like LeBron James or Kobe Bryant. That left two choices: Shaquille O’Neal and Hakeem Olajuwon. In 1995 (when I was still watching and still caring), Hakeem beat Shaq in the NBA Finals, so I give Hakeem the edge . . . and there is my Rushmore.

Next movie to review: The Matrix

Frank's Theme

There’s Something About Mary (1998)

Rating: R

Runtime: 119 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 256 million (approximately)

Characters: Mary Jensen, Ted Stroehmann, Pat Healy, Warren Jensen, Tucker/Norm, Dom Woganowski, Magda, Sully, Brenda, Joanie, Lisa, Charlie, Sheila Jensen, Puffy, Brett Favre, The Hitchhiker, Jonathan Richman

Favreite Quote: “Seven chipmunks twirling on a branch, eating lots of sunflowers on my uncle’s ranch. You know that old children’s tale from the sea.”

Favreite Scene: Ted and the hitchhiker in the car

Favreite Character: The Hitchhiker

Other need-to-see nineties movies directed by the Farrelly Brothers: Dumb and Dumber

A modern love story . . . with Jonathan Richman from the Modern Lovers!! Everyone fell for Mary in this movie, and everyone fell for Cameron Diaz in real life. I mean, how could you not: Mary liked beer, played golf, and enjoyed her vibrator. But she wasn’t my favorite character. Everyone was always fuckin’ with Ted and some of his best friends didn’t know his name, Woogie went to Borington High, but my favorite is the hitchhiker. He has the best lines: “It’s like you’re dreaming about gorgonzola cheese when it’s clearly brie time, baby”, “Step into my office . . . cause you’re fuckin’ fired”, and my favorite, “Seven chipmunks twirling on a branch, eating lots of sunflowers on my uncle’s ranch. You know that old children’s tale from the sea.” Some other really good lines that everyone was saying for a while were “Have you seen my baseball?” and “Franks and beans!”.

There were many scenes that everyone was talking about after seeing the movie: that time Ted got the beans above the frank (ouch), the jizz-hair gel scene (for obvious reasons), and the Puffy and Ted fight scene (which I think went on a bit too long). My favorite scene is Ted and the hitchhiker in Ted’s car. Mostly because it had all of my favorite lines from the movie, and because it was so uncomfortable, and you know that Harland Williams (the hitchhiker) was making it all up as he went.

I am sure there will be people out there who will argue that I should have picked Dumb and Dumber as my Farrelly brothers must-see movie from the nineties, but this movie has some valuable lessons that we should be aware of in our everyday life: they don’t make movies like Harold and Maude anymore, the girl you like is probably a Niners fan, and you should always jerk off before a big date . . . just make sure you clean up after.

Next movie to review: Rushmore

How's It Gonna End

The Truman Show (1998)

Rating: PG

Runtime: 103 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 182 million (approximately)

Characters: Truman Burbank, Christof, Meryl Burbank, Marlon, Lauren/Sylvia, Truman’s mom, Truman’s dad, Simeon

Favorite Quote: “Good afternoon, good evening, and good night.”

Favorite Scene: Truman stopping traffic

Favorite Character: Truman Burbank

Other need-to-see nineties movies directed by Peter Weir: none

The Super Bowl (I usually watch it for the commercials). M*A*S*H (I never watched it growing up but it has now become my nightly routine). Roots (I have never watched it). These are/were the real-life things on television that are/were the most watched yearly; but The Truman Show (the tv show in the movie) was watched by millions daily . . . for thirty years!! Truman (the star of the show) is afraid of dogs, flying, and water. Meryl (Truman’s wife) loves her fashion magazines. Marlon (Truman’s best friend) drinks beer and stocks vending machines). Christof is the creator of the show, Simeon is Christof’s second in command, and Lauren/Sylvia is the girl Truman first falls in love with only to be removed from the show after trying to tell Truman the truth about his life. Truman is my favorite character, but Lauren/Sylvia is a close second.

There are a couple of quotes that I really liked from the movie that fell just short of my favorite: “We accept the reality of the world with which we are presented.” is smart, and “Cue the sun.” is funny. But my favorite is “Good afternoon, good evening, and good night.” because every show needs a good catch phrase and it seems so genuine coming from Truman. I have always loved the scene were Truman begins to realize that something isn’t quite right about the world around him and stops traffic while he is crossing the street. The music score is so powerful. The F-you to Christof delivered by Truman at the end is also amazing.

I have always wondered what became of Truman after he left “the show”. It’s obvious that he would find Sylvia, but then what?? Would he have kids?? Where would he work?? Would he ever hit golf balls off a bridge with Marlon again?? Hopefully he would live a quiet life (which would be hard to do because everyone knows who you are) while watching his favorite television show (I picture him being a Seinfeld fan) . . . because the show is about, well, nothing.

Next movie to review: There’s Something About Mary

Jesus Gonna Be Here

The Big Lebowski (1998)

Rating: R

Runtime: 117 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 25 million (approximately)

Characters: The Dude, Walter Sobchak, Donny, Maude Lebowski, Brandt, Jeffrey “Big” Lebowski, Bunny Lebowski, Jesus Quintana, Jackie Treehorn, Da Fino, Marty, Smokey, Larry, The Stranger

Favorite Quote: “Hey, careful man, there’s a beverage here.”

Favorite Scene: “Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In)” dream sequence

Favorite Character: Walter Sobchak

Other need-to-see nineties movies directed by the Coen Brothers: Fargo (also on Salty Chewbacca’s Necessary Nineties list!!)

Finally, the debate can begin. This is the second of the Coen Brothers movies on my list (Fargo being the other). How does Salty feel about this movie?? I had better be careful, because I know a lot of people who love this movie. Everybody wants to be The Dude, and, well, why wouldn’t you?? He wears a robe, he’s in a bowling league, drinks white Russians, loves Creedence, hates the Eagles, and owns a rug that really ties the room together. He also lives in a world with several fantastic characters: Donny always has something to say, Maude wants to have his baby, Bunny will suck your cock for $1,000.00, and Jesus licks his balls. But my favorite is Walter Sobchak. He’s a bit racist, but he don’t roll on Shabbos, so you have to respect that.

Speaking of being racist, the language is off the charts. When trying to choose a favorite quote, I had to sort through some stuff that is “not safe for the younger Salty fans”. Even though they get a good laugh, and are probably quoted often, “The Chinaman is not the issue”, “Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature”, “Shut the fuck up, Donny”, “This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass”, and “Well, I still jerk off manually” did not make the cut. I almost went with “You’re out of your element”, but since The Dude always seems to be drinking, “Hey, careful man, there’s a beverage here” just makes the most sense to me. Not surprising, my favorite scene is the “Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In)” dream sequence. What is surprising is that it’s freakin’ Kenny Rogers!!

So, which movie does Salty like better?? I am not going to reveal my answer, because the two may be matched up in my nineties movie bracket tournament at some point. Instead, I am going to hit up the In-N-Out Burger next to Larry, and queue up “Logjammin’” in the DVD player ... because The Dude abides.

Next movie to review: The Truman Show

Bad Liver And A Broken Heart

Good Will Hunting (1997)

Rating: R

Runtime: 126 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 205 million (approximately)

Characters: Will Hunting, Sean McGuire, Chuckie Sullivan, Skylar, Professor Gerald Lambeau, Morgan O’Mally, Billy McBride, Tom

Favorite Quote: “Do you like apples?”

Favorite Scene: Chuckie’s “the best part of my day” speech

Favorite Character: Sean McGuire

Other need-to-see nineties movies directed by Gus Van Sant: none

I grew up (and currently live) about 10 minutes from Dartmouth College, so I find it hilarious that Harvard University (where this movie “took place”) seems so much more prestigious than its Ivy League counterpart. But don’t get me started on my hatred for the Big Green. This movie reminds me of my times hanging out with my friends in the late nineties; wanting to “fuck up some smart kids”, wearing an “I hate L.A.” shirt, and eating a bunch of caramels. I think the main characters from the movie are ones you either love or hate. Will, Chuckie, Morgan, and Billy swear and drink a lot but they are always there for each other. Professor Lambeau and Tom are just looking out for themselves, and doing equations and shit. It was a toss-up for favorite character: Skylar was the perfect girl, funny and goofy, but I went with Sean. He taught me to always choose love over sports . . . unless you know history is going to happen at Fenway.

There was a lot of great dialogue throughout the movie, even if you didn’t include all the uses of the word fuck. “My boy’s wicked smart”, “Keep your ear to the grindstone” are funny; “I gotta see about a girl”, “It’s not your fault” are classics. But everyone remembers (my favorite) “Do you like apples?” My favorite scene is when Chuckie basically tells Will, “I love you, but get the fuck out of Boston.” It is what all best friends should say to each other.

What most people will remember about this movie is Robin Williams’ Oscar-winning performance, and Matt Damon/Ben Affleck winning the Oscar for best screenplay. But what I think people shouldn’t forget is the amazing music from the film, especially Elliott Smith’s “Miss Misery”. It should have won the Oscar for best song over Celine Dion’s Titanic theme “My Heart Will Go On”. But Titanic won every award in 1997. Side note: thanks to Skylar for giving me my 2019 March Madness Tournament Challenge bracket name . . . Hook-Hook Dunk-Dunk!!

Next movie to review: The Big Lebowski

Let Me Get Up On It

Boogie Nights (1997)

Rating: R

Runtime: 155 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 39 million (approximately)

Characters: Dirk Diggler, Jack Horner, Amber Waves, Rollergirl, Reed Rothchild, Becky Barnett, Buck Swope, Jessie St. Vincent, Johnny Doe, Kurt Longjohn, “Little” Bill Thompson, Scotty J, Todd Parker, The Colonel, Floyd Gondolli, Jerome, “Little” Bill’s wife, Maurice Rodriguez, Rahad Jackson, Sheryl Lynn

Favorite Quote: “My fucking wife has an ass in her cock in the driveway, Kurt.”

Favorite Scene: Buck’s Super Cool Stereo Store commercial

Favorite Character: Buck Swope

Other need-to-see nineties movies directed by Paul Thomas Anderson: Magnolia

This movie is definitely not for the younger Salty Chewbacca fans. I probably shouldn’t even be allowed to watch this movie. Sex ... check. Drugs ... check. Rock ‘n’ Roll ... check. More sex ... check. We will get to the rock ‘n’ roll later ... let’s start with the sex. Dirk Diggler is the new guy with the big dick. Jack Horner (the porn movie director) sees something special in Dirk and then sees Dirk inside of his porn-star wife, Amber Waves. There are many other characters in this movie that you get to know, because hey, someone’s got to hold the boom mic and write the script. Rollergirl is hot, Reed Rothchild is funny, “Little” Bill is depressing, and Scotty J is horny for Dirk. Buck Swope is my favorite. He is into dressing like a cowboy and stereo equipment. It isn’t until he ditches the Western look for a B-Boy Stance (my favorite scene) that he finally gets what he deserves.

There is a lot of great dialogue in the movie (seriously, I watched it for the dialogue). The best line in the movie is one I am not sure if it was done intentionally or not. “Little” Bill is talking to Kurt Longjohn at one of Jack’s cocaine and margarita parties when he sees his wife having sex (again) with another man. He seems distracted and says, “My fucking wife has an ass in her cock in the driveway, Kurt.” Was it scripted that way, or does he say the line wrong but it’s so funny that they kept it in?? Either way, it’s hilarious.

The only thing I enjoyed more than the porn-movie-inside-a-porn-movie characters Brock Landers and Chest Rockwell is the soundtrack. “Sister Christian” (one of the top 25 hair band songs ever), “Jessie’s Girl” (one of the top 25 ’80s songs ever), and “99 Luftballons” (my favorite song ever). It made me want to go down the sugar tree and see lots of bees, if you know what I mean.

Next movie to review: Good Will Hunting

We're All Mad Here

Scream (1996)

Rating: R

Runtime: 111 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 156 million (approximately)

Characters: Sidney Prescott, Billy Loomis, Stu Macher, Randy Meeks, Tatum Riley, Dewey Riley, Gale Weathers, Kenny, Principal Himbry, Sheriff Burke, Neil Prescott, Casey Becker, Steve Orth, Fred the Janitor

Favorite Quote: “Do you like scary movies?”

Favorite Scene: the opening thirteen minutes with Casey Becker

Favorite Character: Sidney Prescott

Other need-to-see nineties movies directed by Wes Craven: none

I used to work in a video store, and the night before the new releases were to come out, I was in charge of rearranging the store after we closed. It would take me about two hours (alphabetizing and making sure it was perfect) and to make sure I was on schedule I used to play this movie while I did it. As long as I was to a certain part of the store during a certain scene I knew I was doing ok. So I know this movie pretty much word for word. I’ll never forget the classic lines like “fuck rag”, “goon fuck”, and “liver alone”. There are so many characters in this movie, though some of them don’t make it all the way to the end. Everyone probably has a different favorite: Billy the boyfriend, Stu the boyfriend of the best friend, Randy the movie nerd, Tatum the best friend, Dewey the deputy, or even Fred the janitor. Mine is Sidney. I always had a thing for her.

This movie really changed the rules for horror movies. Wait, you don’t know the rules?!?! The three rules to surviving a horror movie: never have sex, never drink or do drugs, and never say “I’ll be right back”. The opening thirteen minutes of this movie (my favorite scene) are about as perfect a beginning as you will ever see. The phone rings, the killer asks Casey Becker “Do you like scary movies?” (my favorite quote), craziness ensues, and (spoiler alert) somebody dies. The remaining 98 minutes are filled with sex, alcohol, and a few more somebodies die. Oh, and “Red Right Hand” by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds was a great addition to the soundtrack. It fits this movie better than Tatum does through a pet door.

This movie was a big hit and the horror genre was popular again with the younger crowd. Sequels of Halloween, and Nightmare on Elm Street were dying at the box office; but cool movies like I Know What You Did Last Summer, and Urban Legend quickly followed the success of Scream. Scream 2 (1997) and Scream 3 (2000) would complete the trilogy because like my buddy Stu always said “You gotta have a sequel!!”

Next movie to review: Boogie Nights