Magic Shoes 2: Electric Boogaloo

Like Mike (2002)

Rated: PG

Runtime: 99 minutes

Stars: Bow Wow, Morris Chestnut, Crispin Glover, Eugene Levy, Jonathan Lipnicki, Brenda Song

Director: John Schultz

Plot: Calvin (Bow Wow) is an orphan who acquires a pair of old sneakers with “MJ” written inside, leading him to believe the shoes used to belong to Michael Jordan. He quickly gets signed to the Los Angeles Knights after showing off his skills against Tracy Reynolds (Morris Chestnut), an emotionally troubled NBA star and Calvin’s soon-to-be teammate. Stan Bittleman (Crispin Glover) is the mean greedy director of the orphanage where Calvin lives, and Frank Bernard (Eugene Levy) is the sneaky greedy … um … uh … assistant to the traveling secretary for the Knights, and they both try to use Calvin to get his money. Along the way, Calvin is helped by his best friends and fellow orphans Murph (Jonathan Lipnicki) and Reg (Brenda Song).

Rating—out of 5 basketballs: 1 basketball for the unexpectedness of a certain event I will explain later.

Tournament Seed: 13–15—movie hangs around with higher seed for the 1^st half, but the 2^nd half results in a blowout. Only advances in the tournament if matched up with an overrated team. Pick with caution.

This movie is loaded with at the time current NBA stars such as Allen Iverson, Jason Kidd, Steve Nash, and David Robinson. With that being said, the movie doesn’t have much else to offer. The music is just your basic bad hip-hop selection, and the montages consist of some naughty cheerleader dancing and Calvin doing the same impossible moves Ernest was doing in Slam Dunk Ernest. The movie does play at your heart strings on occasion with the orphan angle and the unexplained distance between Tracy and his father, but you know how it is going to turn out in the end … though I was worried about Reg being left alone, until the movie showed a picture of her with her new family seconds before it ended. I found it funny that the movie chose to have Vince Carter and the Raptors as the team to blow the lead in the final game; Carter couldn’t even hold a 21 point 4^th quarter lead against a 5-foot-tall kid barely in his teens.

The movie earns 1 basketball because I am a sucker for a Crispin Glover film in which a lightning strike causes the main character to have a life-changing event. In this case Calvin and the sneakers are struck by lightning, and 90 minutes of magic follow. If I could only remember the name of the other movie involving Glover and lightning and a life-changing event …

I did get one big laugh out of the movie. Calvin is informed by one of his teammates after talking to Allen Iverson, that “Players don’t ask players for autographs.” Later in the film after Calvin becomes famous, he shares this intimate moment with NBA superstar Dirk Nowitzki:

Dirk: “Hey Calvin! Listen man, uh, can I get your autograph?”

Calvin: “Sure Dirk.”

Dirk: “Uh, it’s actually for my niece.”

Calvin: “What’s her name?”

Dirk: “Uh, it’s, uh, Dirk.”

Moses, Moses, you're the one

The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh (1979)

Rated: PG

Runtime: 102 minutes

Stars: Julius Erving, Stockard Channing, James Bond III

Director: Gilbert Moses

Plot: Moses Guthrie (Julius Erving) is a star player for the Pittsburgh Pythons. He and his team are in a slump and fighting amongst each other. Tyrone (James Bond III), the team ball-boy/water-boy, has an idea that might turn their season around. He acquires the help of local astrologer Mona Mondieu (Stockard Channing) to restructure the Pythons around Moses with a whole new team of players who fall under the sign of Pisces.

Rating—out of 5 basketballs: 2 basketballs. 1 for the cool music, and the other because I recommend this movie.

Tournament seed: 10–12—movie is a sleeper, primed to upset a higher seed. Don’t be surprised if other people jump on the bandwagon when the brackets are released. It could play its way into the sweet 16.

A lot better than the low rating it received on IMDb. This movie is groovy with plenty of jive and turkey. The basketball scenes are well done with the use of real NBA players. Lyrics in the songs describe the plot as it’s happening, which help move the film along at a great pace. The new team (which appropriately gets a name change from the Pythons to the Pisces) is a collection of crazy characters that work well as a group. Bullet, Driftwood, Jackhammer, Reverend, Running Hawk, Setshot, Truth, and the Rae twins all have great moments while leading the team to the finals. Who knew that astrology would do for basketball what sabermetrics did for baseball? Tyrone was the Billy Beane of his time. The downtown Pittsburgh of the movie seems to be obsessed with “adult” entertainment: there is a strip club and an adult theater around every corner. The movie walks a fine line between PG and R. This is best exemplified in an awesome montage involving Moses (who is one sweet mutha dude) and Tyrone’s older sister, where he seduces her with an array of smooth jump shots and powerful slam dunks. I am glad the movie never crosses over to R because it would have made Moses an unlikeable guy.

I am not sure if my being born on February 29^th had anything to do with my enjoyment of the movie, but…

Moses: “I’m a Pisces, man. I need a little stroke from time to time.”

Mama says they was magic shoes

Slam Dunk Ernest (1995)

Rated: PG

Runtime: 93 minutes

Stars: Jim Varney, Cylk Cozart, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

Director: John R. Cherry III

Plot: Ernest P. Worrell (Jim Varney) is an un-athletic janitor who wants to be on the Clean Sweep city league team with his co-workers. He convinces Barry (Cylk Cozart), fellow janitor, father, and could-have-been pro basketball player, to let him suit up. When Ernest causes the team to lose, the Archangel of Basketball (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar) appears, and gives him a pair of magic sneakers. The sneakers begin “talking” to Ernest and help him run faster and jump higher. Clean Sweep begins winning their way towards an exhibition game against the NBA’s Charlotte Hornets.

Rating—out of 5 basketballs: ½ basketball for the quote at the end of my review.

Tournament seed: 13–15—movie hangs around with higher seed for the 1^st half, but the 2^nd half results in a blowout. Only advances in the tournament if matched up with an overrated team. Pick with caution.

I was shocked when I discovered that this movie was made in 1995. It should have been made in the late ’80s when Ernest entertainment was at its peak. The movie opens with the title being spray-painted graffiti style on a brick wall, the jokes and Ernest’s mannerisms are not funny, and “Knowhutimean” is a catchphrase I will not be using anytime soon. The music/score is of no help; the same tune is used throughout every basketball scene. The basketball action is done on an 8-foot basket, and Ernest is clearly flying around with the use of wires. I’m not sure how nobody (other than Barry’s son Quincy near the end of the movie) ever questions Ernest’s acts of basketball wizardry. The movie tries to teach lessons throughout: Kareem tells Ernest, “Don’t misuse the shoes,” Barry tries to teach his son that education and hard work lead to success, and Ernest gives up stardom for the good of the team. There is also the angel/Satan side-plot involving Kareem and a shady character named Mr. Moloch, in which they are using the magic sneakers to see if people will use them for good or for their own benefit.

Barry has a sweet montage at the end of the game that leads to him gaining the interest of some pro scouts, and ESPN is reporting live . . . which leads us to how this movie earned a ½ basketball:

ESPN reporter: “The Clean Sweep team has taken the floor without their star Ernest. Stand by; we may be switching to midget racing.”

Juwanna avoid this one

Juwanna Mann (2002)

Rated: PG-13

Runtime: 91 minutes

Stars: Miguel A. Nunez Jr., Vivica A. Fox, Kevin Pollak

Director: Jesse Vaughan

Plot: Jamal (Miguel A. Nunez Jr.) is an on/off the court, pro basketball star/jerk, whose actions finally get him kicked out of the league. His life begins to fall apart, so with the help of his agent Lorne (Kevin Pollak), Jamal becomes Juwanna Mann, an out-of-the-blue women’s basketball sensation. Juwanna quickly turns her new team, the Charlotte Banshees, into a championship contender while falling in love with star teammate, Michelle (Vivica A. Fox).

Rating—out of 5 basketballs: 0

Tournament seed: 16—movie makes the tournament only because it is an automatic qualifier. Has no chance of advancing. Avoid picking for any reason.

This movie was nothing but a collection of really bad jokes set up by putting “Juwanna” in situations where we are supposed to laugh. You know, because it’s funny when a man dressed as a women adjusts his crotch, gets dry humped by another man, has a fake breast fly across the room, checks out girls in the shower, gets a massage by a man, gets out of a ticket by lying about getting a sex-change operation to a male cop who is also going to get it done, showers with his uniform on, uses a urinal and gets checked out by other guys while burping and farting, and gets a physical. The basketball scenes were awful for the men, containing poor dribbling and slow motion shots. As for the women, I guess all they can do is make tricky passes and shoot uncontested layups. The music montages are equally not funny, just a lot of ass grabbing and female moustache shaving. The biggest shocker is how the Banshees were allowed to continue playing for a championship when they had a male in disguise for a major part of the season.

I thought I had suffered enough, but was treated to the “hilarious” outtakes during the credits. Of all the badly written dialogue, the best line was delivered by one of Juwanna’s teammates, European center Magda:

Magda: “In my country, penis ok. My mother have penis.”