Pure talent, fatal flaw

Above the Rim (1994)

Rated: R

Runtime: 97 minutes

Stars: Duane Martin, Tupac Shakur, Leon Robinson, Marlon Wayans, Bernie Mac

Director: Jeff Pollack

Plot: Kyle Watson (Duane Martin) is a high school star basketball player trying to earn a scholarship to Georgetown University. Birdie (Tupac Shakur) is a cigar-chewing, club-owning, girl-supplying, drink-getting, money-giving gangsta. Shep (Leon Robinson) used to be a high school star basketball player, but is currently a security guard with a lot of personal demons to overcome. Bugaloo (Marlon Wayans) is Kyle’s best friend and recently got out of jail. Flip (Bernie Mac) is a homeless guy that may have been good at basketball when he was younger and may have been a teammate of Shep’s. Put these five characters together and you get a confusing story about the struggles of high school basketball, life on the streets, and escaping your past, all of which are resolved at the high school prom ... I mean city basketball tournament.

Rating—out of 5 basketballs: 1 basketball. I am not really sure why.... I am still trying to decipher what this movie was about.

Tournament seed: 13–15—movie hangs around with higher seed for the 1^st half, but the 2^nd half results in a blowout. Only advances in the tournament if matched up with an overrated team. Pick with caution.

I am not sure where to start/finish this review. The basketball action is believable, but I am pretty sure there is more to the game than just dunk after dunk after dunk. On the surface it looks like a promising movie, with a decent cast (Tupac, Bernie Mac) and loaded soundtrack (2Pac, Tha Dogg Pound). But neither end up impressing; “Regulate” by Warren G. and Nate Dogg plays during the credits, which seems like a waste. The movie opens with a creepy scene of two people playing basketball on a rooftop (Who does that???) and one of them falls off and dies, totally setting the movie up for the weirdness to follow. The movie just starts introducing characters quickly, and before you know it they all start connecting without really explaining why/how. Kyle is playing high school basketball and trying to impress a college scout one minute, and then the next he is deciding which team to play for in the city’s outdoor basketball tournament. Birdie is Shep’s younger brother, and he tries to recruit Kyle to play on his team. Shep is the guy that was on the rooftop that didn’t die, and he relives that night over and over again while shooting hoops by himself with no ball. Shep starts dating Kyle’s mom after they met and talked for about 2 minutes. Birdie kills Flip because ... I’m not sure. Shep plays 1-on-1 with Kyle to teach him a lesson/be a father figure? Birdie tries to blackmail Kyle by telling him that if he doesn’t lose the big game he will tell Georgetown University that Kyle took money from him. Of course, the final game comes down to Kyle’s team vs. Birdie’s team. Birdie’s team starts to intentionally hurt the opposing players, which leads to Shep showing up and playing with Kyle. Shep looks awesome in a sweet slow-motion finger-roll montage while wearing khaki pants. Shep and Kyle lead the team on a comeback, and trail by 1 point with 4 seconds left. Shep steals the ball and alley-oops to Kyle for the game-winning jam. Birdie doesn’t like that, so one of his boys shoots at Kyle, but Shep jumps in and takes the bullet. Before we can find out if Shep is dead, the movie jumps forward to Bugaloo shooting Birdie, and before we find out the fate of Bugaloo, the movie jumps forward to a TV showing Kyle hitting a game winning 3-point shot for Georgetown to win the conference championship. And then all our questions are answered (?) when the camera pans out and we see Kyle’s mom celebrating with Shep.

While you are trying to wrap your head around all that, picture everyone sporting a hi-top fade, every sentence containing fuckity fuck fucking fuck fucker, and people screaming “Get off me!” all the time. One thing I did find useful is that if you can’t shoot the j, learn how to carry a razor blade in your mouth. To sum it all up, this is a movie that tries to teach, but ends up making no sense; like this quote from Birdie:

Birdie: “There’s more to life to getting a shot than just hitting that jumper.”

The gweatest evah

Space Jam (1996)

Rated: PG

Runtime: 88 minutes

Stars: Michael Jordan, Bill Murray, Wayne Knight, Bugs Bunny

Director: Joe Pytka

Plot: Michael Jordan (as himself) retires from basketball and pursues his dream of playing professional baseball. Bill Murray (as himself) spends his time golfing with Jordan and Larry Bird and dreams of playing in the NBA. Stan Podolak (Wayne Knight) is MJ’s publicist and does everything he can to keep Jordan happy. Bugs Bunny (as himself) and his friends are in trouble, so they grab MJ and bring him to the animated world of Warner Bros. to prevent Looney Tune slavery on Moron Mountain.

Rating—out of 5 basketballs: 2 basketballs. 1 for Lola Bunny, and 1 for Larry Bird/Bill Murray.

Tournament seed: 10-12—movie is a sleeper, primed to upset a higher seed. Don’t be surprised if other people jump on the bandwagon when the brackets are released. It could play its way into the sweet 16.

Sadly, this movie was not as good as I had hoped it would be. At times, it was one big MJ highlight-reel/soundtrack-selling vehicle. The music was great, but it got to be too much near the end. Every scene seemed to have its own song; here is a rundown: “Fly Like An Eagle” by Seal, “Space Jam” by Quad City DJ’s, “I Believe I Can Fly” by R. Kelly, “Hit ‘Em High” by B-Real/Busta Rhymes/Coolio/LL Cool J/Method Man, “I Found My Smile Again” by D’Angelo, “For You I Will” by Monica, “Upside Down (‘Round-N-‘Round)” by Salt-N-Pepa, “Given’ You All That I’ve Got” by Robin S., “Basketball Jones” by Barry White/Chris Rock, “I Turn To You” by All-4-One, “That’s The Way (I Like It)”, by Spin Doctors/Biz Markie, “Get Ready For This” by 2 Unlimited, “Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)” by C+C Music Factory, “Pump Up The Jam” by Technotronic. Somewhere in between all the music, aliens steal the talent of at-the-time NBA “stars” Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing, Larry Johnson, Muggsy Bogues, and Shawn Bradley. Bugs then challenges the “Monstars” to a game of basketball believing he, Daffy Duck, Elmer Fudd, Foghorn Leghorn, Pepe Le Pew, Porky Pig, Sylvester Cat, Tasmanian Devil, Tweety Bird, and Wile E. Coyote are a “Toon Dream Team”. But they’re not. Even after MJ decides to join the team, things don’t look good … until Lola Bunny shows up! With her, and the help of Michael’s “Secret Stuff” (it’s just water), MJ makes a deal that if the Toon Squad wins, the NBA players get their talent back, but if the Monstars win, MJ will go to Moron Mountain in the Toons’ place. After a game filled with slam dunks (if you’re keeping score at home: 28 for the Toon Squad, 34 for the Monstars), MJ and the gang trail by 1 with 10 seconds to go. Down to 4 players, the Toons get a boost when Bill Murray shows up and MJ takes off from half-court and stretches to dunk the ball for the win as time expires. The NBA players get their talent back and challenge MJ to return to basketball. The rest is history.

The only 2 things that were awesome in this movie were the debut of Lola Bunny and a funny exchange between MJ and Bill Murray where we learn an interesting fact about Larry Bird:

Bill Murray: “Larry’s not white, Larry’s clear.”

What are you looking at dicknose?

Teen Wolf (1985)

Rated: PG

Runtime: 92

Stars: Michael J. Fox, Jerry Levine, Susan Ursitti

Director: Rod Daniel

Plot: Scott Howard (Michael J. Fox) is a normal high school boy on an awful high school basketball team called the Beavers. Stiles (Jerry Levine) is Scott’s best friend, and his main purpose in life is to buy a keg of beer and surf on top of a van. Boof (Susan Ursitti) is a girl Scott hangs out with who has had a crush on him since they were kids. Crazy things start happening to Scott; he notices a really long hair on his chest, he hears a dog whistle while working in his dad’s hardware store, his hands get hairy, his ears and teeth get pointy, and his fingernails grow really long. What could it be? If you said he is a werewolf, than you are correct!

Rating—out of 5 basketballs: 4 basketballs. 1 for my recommendation, 1 for the awesome music, 1 for Michael J. Fox being himself, and 1 because of all the important life lessons I learned.

Tournament seed: 2-4—movie is one of the top teams and should be a popular pick to make it to the final 4. As long as nothing unfortunate happens along the way, this team can go very deep into the tournament. Don’t be afraid to choose this as one of your favorites.

Yay! I have reached the halfway point of my basketball movie blog. 16 movies watched, 16 to go. And there is no better movie to celebrate with, than this ‘80s masterpiece. First, let’s start with the music/score. Somebody got a little synthesizer-happy if you know what I mean. “Surfin’ U.S.A.” is appropriately chosen for the van-surfing scenes. “You Gotta Go With the Flow, Joe” is a catchy tune played during “The Wolf’s” fancy dribbling/high jumping/slam dunking/I-just-turned-into-a-werewolf-during-a-basketball-game-and-everyone-thinks-it’s-okay montage. But no song is more awesome than the “Win in the End” montage played at the end of the movie that we will cover shortly. Other than the boy is a werewolf twist, the movie is your typical ‘80s teen comedy: boy likes pretty girl, pretty girl is dating jerky guy, boy doesn’t realize that he should be with cooler/prettier girl that has been there all along, boy has an awkward moment in the closet with aforementioned cooler/prettier girl, boy sucks at basketball but becomes awesome, team starts to get annoyed with boy scoring all the points even if they are winning, pretty girl starts to like boy, jerky guy gets jealous and punches boy who fights back and rips jerky guy’s shirt … which leads us to the championship game. Scott has decided to not be the wolf anymore, which pretty much ruins the Beavers’ chances at beating jerky guy’s team (the Dragons!). But Scott gives the team a little pep talk and convinces them that they don’t need the wolf to win; they just need to work together. This is where the “Win in the End” song works its magic, and the Beavers trail the Dragons by 1 point when Scott is fouled by jerky guy as the clock runs out. Scott makes both foul shots and the Beavers are state champs! Amidst the post-game celebration, Scott disses pretty girl and gets with Boof.

I learned a lot from this movie: Michael J. Fox plays “Michael J. Fox” in every movie he does, but that is ok because he’s Michael J. Fox; red eyes and a demon voice will get you a keg of beer; werewolves can help you find your stash; werewolves like pizza and beer; if you stick with Coach Finstock’s three rules of life than everything else is “cream cheese”; and most importantly:

Coach Finstock: “It doesn’t matter how you play the game, it’s whether you win or lose; and even that doesn’t make all that much difference.”

Let's get tropical

Semi-Pro (2008)

Rated: UR

Runtime: 98 minutes

Stars: Will Ferrell, Woody Harrelson, André Benjamin

Director: Kent Alterman

Plot: Jackie Moon (Will Ferrell) is a one-hit wonder in the music world and current owner/coach/power forward for the Flint Michigan Tropics of the ABA. Ed Monix (Woody Harrelson) is a former bench warmer for the Boston Celtics but owns a championship ring and is traded to the Tropics for a washing machine. Clarence (André Benjamin), aka “Coffee Black”, “Downtown Funky Stuff Malone”, and “Sugar Dunkerton”, is a star guard for the Tropics and has dreams of playing in the NBA. There is going to be a merger soon between the ABA and the NBA, so the Tropics do all they can to be one of the four ABA teams to survive the cut.

Rating—out of 5 basketballs: 2 ½ basketballs. 1 for a story that could have happened, 1 for the funky music, and ½ for a movie that I kind of recommend.

Tournament seed: 5—9—movie is favored to win its first game in the tournament and has a good chance to win a second game. But depending on the team it is matched up against, could be an early upset. Be sure to do your research before choosing.

A movie that could have been so much better, but was funny enough for me to at least recommend giving a shot. Will Ferrell was pretty funny and there were plenty of things that made me laugh; I just don’t think I will remember them in two weeks. Andy Richter, Will Arnett, and Kristen Wiig played small roles that delivered big chuckles, and Jackie Moon’s hit single “Love Me Sexy” is worth downloading to your iPod. The team is pretty believable in their basketball abilities and they have cool names like Bee Bee, Scootsie, and Twiggy. The team starts to turn things around when Monix becomes the new coach and they have their sweet “Tropics on a winning streak” montage, and Jackie Moon wrestles a bear, but the Tropics soon realize that all the hard work will not pay off … but that’s ok; they are happy just to finish 4^th in the league. But that won’t be easy; they must win their last game against the 1^st-place Spurs, who just acquired Clarence in a trade that will help him achieve his NBA dream. Jackie is fouled hard and knocked unconscious. Clarence walks off the Spurs’ bench to rejoin the Tropics and help his team win. Jackie dreams of his mom in heaven, and she shares with him the secret of the “alley-oop”, a play that nobody seems to have seen before and that causes radio announcers to get erections. After a ferocious comeback, the Tropics trail by 2 and they run “The Puke”, a play Monix made the team practice until they puked so they would remember how to execute it in an end-of-the-game situation. Jackie gets fouled, converts the first free throw “granny style”, but misses the second … but in comes Monix for the put-back at the buzzer an the Tropics win by 1! Amidst the post-game celebration we learn that Jackie (almost) gets a job in the NBA as a promoter, Monix gets his old girlfriend back, and Clarence will still get his shot in the NBA with the Spurs.

There was a memorable scene that will not be amongst the things I forget. The Tropics win a game in which they score 126 points; resulting in all the fans attending the game winning a prize. Jackie tries to prevent this from happening, but when it does it causes Father Pat, the referee, to remind him:

Father Pat: “Corndogs Jackie, corndogs for all these people.”