All Stripped Down

American Pie (1999)

Rating: R

Runtime: 96 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 146 million (approximately)

Characters: Jim, Kevin, Oz, Finch, Stifler, Vicki, Jessica, Heather, Michelle, Nadia, Sherman, Jim’s dad, Jim’s mom, Stifler’s mom

Favorite Quote: “This one time, at band camp …”

Favorite Scene: Jim fucks an apple pie

Favorite Character: Jim

Other need-to-see nineties movies directed by Paul and Chris Weitz: none

I remember working at the theater when this movie came out and I let so many teenagers buy tickets without carding them. You’re welcome!! This film was filled with things that happened to me when I was in high school: I watched scrambled porn, drank jizz beer, and said “Suck me, beautiful” to a handful of girls. Ok, I only did one of those things. We all knew the characters from the film because they were like everyone we grew up with and either loved or hated them. There were popular guys (Kevin, Oz, Stifler), and nerdy guys (Jim, Finch), and popular girls (Vicki, Nadia), and nerdy girls (Jessica, Heather, Michelle), and uncool dads and hot moms. My favorite is Jim because, well, I was Jim in high school: I thought Ariel was hot, and I tried to get with the popular girl instead of the nerdy girl who was in front of me the whole time.

I am pretty sure every guy that watched this movie in 1999 would have said his favorite scene was when Nadia was in Jim’s room masturbating to porn. Me, I will go with Jim fucking the apple pie. Why?? Because he fucked an apple pie!! I am also pretty sure that everyone’s favorite quote is the same as my favorite quote. You couldn’t go anywhere in 1999 without someone saying “This one time, at band camp …” You also couldn’t go anywhere and not run into anyone that didn’t have the movie soundtrack. It had every cool band at the time: Blink-182, Dishwalla, Sugar Ray, Third Eye Blind, and Tonic. The movie had cool music too:  Barenaked Ladies, Everclear, Harvey Danger, Hole, and 3 Doors Down. Ah, the nineties!!

The band (see what I did there) would get back together for American Pie 2 (2001), American Wedding (2003), and American Reunion (2012). But none of them were able to capture the magic of the original. Side note: if Salty Chewbacca were to ever do a movies from the 2000s (?) blog, it will definitely be all about movie franchises. To the next step!!

Next movie to review: The Blair Witch Project

Hell Broke Luce

South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (1999)

Rating: R

Runtime: 81 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 74 million (approximately)

Characters: Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman, Stan Marsh, Kenny McCormick, Sheila Broflovski, Gerald Broflovski, Ike Broflovski, Liane Cartman, Sharon Marsh, Randy Marsh, Shelly Marsh, Carol McCormick, Stuart McCormick, Big Gay Al, Chef, Christophe, Gregory, Mr. Garrison, Mr. Hat, Mr. Mackey, Wendy Testaburger, Terrance, Phillip, Satan, Saddam Hussein, Winona Ryder

Favorite Quote: “I just don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.”

Favorite Scene: Winona Ryder’s ping-pong ball trick

Favorite Character: Eric Cartman

Other need-to-see nineties movies directed by Trey Parker: Cannibal! The Musical

It all starts so innocently when the gang (Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman) go to see Asses of Fire starring Terrance and Phillip. The language, violence, and sex add up quickly over the 81 minutes of this movie … but what did you expect?? Most everyone is here from the show: Chef, Mr. Garrison, Mr. Hat, Mr. Mackey, Big Gay Al, Satan, Saddam Hussein, and even Winona Ryder!! Cartman is my favorite. He’s the worst of the bunch, but he’s the funniest. Speaking of funny: there are many quotes throughout the movie that it was hard to choose just one as my favorite. But like any quote from South Park, you end up laughing at something that is sometimes a terrible … in this case Mr. Garrison’s response of “I just don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.” Yikes.

The heart of this movie is its musical numbers. I could have chosen any of them to be my favorite scene. Terrance and Phillip’s “Uncle Fucka”, Mr. Mackey’s “It’s Easy, M’Kay”, the South Park moms’ “Blame Canada”, Cartman’s “Kyle’s Mom’s a Bitch”, the boys’ “What Would Brian Boitano Do?”, Satan’s “Up There”, Gregory’s “La Resistance”, Big Gay Al’s “I’m Super” … what do I pick?? None. Did you think I wouldn’t choose Winona Ryder’s ping-pong ball trick as my favorite scene?? You don’t know me at all.

I had a hard time deciding if there were any other movies from the nineties directed by Trey Parker that were worth watching. My criteria for this part of the review (and for my previous reviews) was if the movie’s IMDb or Rotten Tomatoes score was similar to the movie I was reviewing. Orgazmo and BASEketball have pretty good followings but their scores are low. Cannibal! The Musical has a good IMDb score but a bad Rotten Tomatoes score. But I feel that it is so ridiculous of a movie (bad or good) that you should watch it at least once.

Next movie to review: American Pie