Please Wake Me Up

The Phantom Menace (1999)

Rating: PG

Runtime: 136 minutes

Box office (in today’s dollars): 612 million (approximately)

Characters: Anakin Skywalker, Queen Padme Amidala, Qui-Gon Jinn, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Darth Maul, Senator Palpatine, Captain Panaka, Chancellor Valorum, Shmi Skywalker, Yoda, Mace Windu, R2-D2, C-3PO, Jabba the Hutt, Nute Gunray, Boss Nass, Sebulba, Watto, Jar Jar Binks

Favorite Quote: “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.”

Favorite Scene: Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan vs. Darth Maul

Favorite Character: Yoda

Other need-to-see nineties movies directed by George Lucas: none

A long long time ago, in a galaxy far away . . . more on that later. I was 23 when this movie came out. An age where I was young enough to spend 36 hours standing/sitting/sleeping first in line waiting to buy tickets. About a half an hour into the movie I fell asleep for (I would guess) 15 minutes. I didn’t miss much. For the all the hype surrounding the first Star Wars movie in 16 years(!), all I can say is it was bad. The characters were bad. The dialogue was bad. The African and Asian stereotypes were bad. Even what was intended to be the most exciting part of the movie (the pod race) dragged on way too long (ten minutes). But it was good to see some of the old gang; Yoda (my favorite character) and R2-D2 made appearances, and I am sure that at the time I was a huge fan of new character Mace Windu.

Almost every line spoken in the movie is bad; with Anakin and Jar Jar Binks getting a large portion of screen time it adds up quickly. But Yoda is there to save the day with his “fear” speech (my favorite quote) directed at Anakin. As for favorite scene, I had to suffer through the pod race and too-many-I-lost-count moments where Jar Jar was just being Jar Jar. The Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan battle with Darth Maul near the end of the movie is amazing.

About a month after the movie came out, Weird Al released a song called “The Saga Begins”. It was a parody of the hit song from 1971 “American Pie” and contained lyrics that in less than six minutes told you everything you needed to know about the disaster that was Phantom Menace. I have a friend Andy who bought the cd and demanded that we listen to it at least once a day while driving around the streets of Hanover. At the time it was annoying, but now I guess I just miss my friend.

Next movie to review: South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut

Telephone Call From Istanbul

The Matrix (1999)

Rating: R

Runtime: 136 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 244 million (approximately)

Characters: Thomas Anderson/Neo, Morpheus, Trinity, Agent Smith, Apoc, Cypher, Dozer, Mouse, Switch, Tank, The Oracle

Favorite Quote: “How about I give you the finger, and you give me my phone call.”

Favorite Scene: The shootout when Neo and Trinity go to rescue Morpheus

Favorite Character: Trinity

Other need-to-see nineties movies directed by the Wachowskis: none

When this movie came out, I remember everybody talking about how it was going to change movies forever. And it did. For a few years, anyway. And not so much for the better. Every movie tried to “look” like The Matrix and it almost became laughable. But The Matrix was cool. Neo (the hero) was cool. Morpheus was cool. But Trinity was the coolest. She is my favorite character (I always pick the girl it seems). The rest of the crew had cool names like Mouse and Tank. I never had a cool nickname. Visually, the movie is amazing, so I will tell you my favorite scene later and favorite quote now: “How about I give you the finger, and you give me my phone call.” There is probably some awesome futuristic dialogue somewhere in the movie, but I always go with funny.

Ok, it’s later . . . favorite scene. I mentioned the “look” the movie had earlier, and there were a bunch of scenes I could have picked: Neo and Morpheus battle, Neo and Trinity in the helicopter, Neo stops the bullets . . . but the best scene is the shootout in the lobby when Neo and Trinity go to rescue Morpheus. So many bullets . . . so much Trinity awesomeness!!

The sequels (Reloaded and Revolutions) were not as good as the original, but they did start (or at least help popularize) the new trend in Hollywood for the next decade: movie franchises!! From Star Wars to Harry Potter to Lord of the Rings to Spider-Man to Pirates of the Caribbean, they just kept coming. And now twenty years after The Matrix was released, the box office has been dominated by the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I can’t imagine if The Matrix had failed that we would have ever been treated to a string of movies starring Iron Man, Thor, Captain America, Ant-Man, Doctor Strange, Spider-Man (third generation), Black Panther, and Captain Marvel. I mean, who would have defeated Thanos?? Tom Cruise?? Will Smith?? James Bond??

Next movie to review: The Phantom Menace