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Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Taco, nacho, burrito...hot dog-o



Glory Road (2006)

Rated: PG

Runtime: 118 minutes

Stars: Josh Lucas, Jon Voight, Mehcad Brooks, Sam Jones III, Schin A.S. Kerr, Derek Luke, Alphonso McAuley, Damaine Radcliff, Al Shearer

Director: James Gartner

Plot: Don Haskins (Josh Lucas) is a former high school girls’ basketball coach who takes the head coaching position at Texas Western College. He don’t see color, calls everyone son, and preaches fundamental/disciplined/defensive basketball. Adolph Rupp (Jon Voight) is the legendary/racist head coach of the University of Kentucky. Coach Haskins wants to compete with Duke/Kansas/Kentucky, but his all-white team just can’t keep up. So he does the unexpected in the south (for the time): he recruits seven African-American players that can put it in the hole and rebound. Harry Flournoy (Mehcad Brooks), a forward from Indiana; Willie Worsley (Sam Jones III), a guard from New York; David “Big Daddy D” Lattin (Schin A.S. Kerr), a center from Texas; Bobby Joe Hill (Derek Luke), a point Guard from Michigan; Orsten Artis (Alphonso McAuley), a guard from Indiana; Willie “Scoops” Cager (Damaine Radcliff), a forward from New York; and Nevil Shed (Al Shearer), a forward from New York, are the chosen ones that would change college basketball and the world forever.

Ratingout of 5 basketballs: 4 basketballs. 1 for my recommendation, 1 for the solidness of a Disney sports movie, 1 for teaching the viewer about the importance of this team, and 1 for the first movie I have reviewed that captures the beauty of the NCAA Tournament.

Tournament seed: 2-4movie is one of the top teams and should be a popular pick to make it to the final 4. As long as nothing unfortunate happens along the way, this team can go very deep into the tournament. Don’t be afraid to choose this as one of your favorites.

This movie is really good. Disney does a great job turning true sports stories into movies (Remember the Titans, The Rookie, Miracle, The Greatest Game Ever Played, Invincible, Secretariat are some examples), and Glory Road definitely delivers. The only thing I didn’t really like about the movie was that it jammed in too many hits from the ‘60s to get you to feel like you were traveling back in time to that era. The basketball action was realistic and there were a lot of sweet dunks. The movie does a great job of balancing racial issues, though some might have an issue with a Disney kids’ movie using the n-word. Coach Haskins has a lot of great one-liners, some funny, some serious: “Decent don’t cut it with me”, “Faster than a twister will take your socks off”, “This pie is so good, it makes me mad at my mama”, “Activity without accomplishment”, “Are you kiddin’ me”, and “Runnin’ in mud”.

Texas Western benefits from schools like Duke, Kansas, and Kentucky overlooking black athletes, but even after getting the players, it still isn’t easy. The white players on the team don’t want to give up their spots, and there are even differences between the black players. In the beginning, there are only about 100 people at the games, but then they start winning. A victory over #4 ranked Iowa (the Miners trailed by 21 points before Coach “let ‘em loose”) starts turning heads, and, when they continue to run teams off the floor, the country starts to really pay attention. The black and white teammates start hanging out, the team is ranked #4 in the country behind (you guessed it) Kentucky, Duke, and Kansas, and all seems great. But then Shed gets beat up in a bathroom by a bunch of white guys, the Haskin family starts receiving hate mail, Scoops is diagnosed with a heart problem, the black players separate from the white players after the attack on Shed, the Miners lose their first game of the season by 11 points to Seattle University, and the white players claim they are victims of reverse racism. Things look shaky as the NCAA tournament begins, but the Miners come up big against the University of Kansas with a 1-point double overtime win after Kansas’ star player Jo Jo White has the game-winning shot called off after he stepped out of bounds. To nobody’s surprise, Texas Western is to face the University of Kentucky in the championship game. It’s black vs. white, David vs. Goliath. Coach Haskins’ makes not only a huge decision for his team, but a groundbreaking one for college basketball as well; he decides to start five black players (the first time in NCAA Championship history) and to play off the bench only his other 2 black players. The white players are ok with the decision, because they just want to win. Coach wants to send a message to begin the game, so he tells Big Daddy D to “stick his armpits in the rim” and he sooooo does! A little bit later in the first half, Flournoy gets hurt, Lattin picks up 3 quick fouls, and  things don’t look good for the Miners; but they are able to hold a 3-point lead at the half. Kentucky and their 2 All-Americans (Louie Dampier and Pat Riley) turn things around to start the second half and take an 8-point lead with 10 minutes left, but then the Miners go up-tempo, do some fancy passin’, and lead by 3 with 2 minutes left. Coach then tells his players in the last 2 minutes of the game that the game is “not about talent, it’s about heart”, and they come out of the timeout with a Cager reverse dunk, a Bobby Joe steal and a Lattin dunk for a 7-point lead. Kentucky misses a shot and Bobby Joe dribbles out the clock. Texas Western wins the championship 72-65 and they cut down the nets.

A lot of important things are learned along the way: taco night brings in a real good crowd, all black people are from Harlem, all white people are from Mayberry, liquor steals a man’s mind, and fans in 1966 think it’s cool to wave confederate flags in the stands during a basketball game. Before the credits roll, we learn that David Lattin was a 1st-round pick in the NBA draft and played 2 years in the NBA/3 years in the ABA, Willie Worsley played 1 year in the ABA, Nevil Shed was a 4th-round pick in the NBA draft but never played a game in the NBA, and Don Haskins would lead the Miners to 14 NCAA Tournaments and 719 wins in his coaching career. And during the credits the real players from Texas Western and Kentucky, and coach Haskins talk about what the game was like. If they only knew then what we know now:

“Negroes would be the future of college basketball.”

Friday, October 26, 2012

OUTATIME



Back to the Future (1985)

Rated: PG

Runtime: 116 minutes

Stars: Michael J. Fox, Christopher Lloyd, Crispin Glover, Lea Thompson, Thomas F. Wilson

Director: Robert Zemeckis

Awards: Won: (Best Effects/Sound Effects Editing) Nominated: (Best Writing/Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen, Best Music/Original Song, Best Sound)

Plot: Marty McFly (Michael J. Fox) is your typical ‘80s teenager; he rides a skateboard, plays guitar in a band named The Pinheads (they are just too darn loud), has a girlfriend that believes in him, is always late for school, wants a black 4x4, and his choice of beverage is anything without sugar. Dr. Emmett Brown (Christopher Lloyd) is a scientist/inventor, is Marty’s best friend, and has a dog named Einstein. George McFly (Crispin Glover) and Lorraine Baines McFly (Lea Thompson) are Marty’s parents; George still gets pushed around by his high school bully Biff, likes peanut brittle and The Honeymooners, and isn’t good at confrontations; Lorraine has never chased a boy or called a boy or sat in a parked car with a boy, and she likes vodka. Oh, and Biff, (Thomas F. Wilson) he sleeps in on Saturdays and Sundays. Doc Brown has built a time machine out of a DeLorean and has plans to travel 25 years into the future. Some Libyan terrorists out for revenge after getting swindled for their plutonium cause a chain of events that send Marty back in time to the year 1955. After reuniting with 1955 Doc, Marty and Doc encounter all sorts of trouble while trying to get Marty back to the year 1985. This includes Marty bumping into his parents and Biff and causing his future to be in jeopardy.

Ratingout of 5 basketballs: 5

Tournament seed: 1—one of the top 4 teams in the tournament. Has played at a high level all season and is deserving of its “easier” path to the final 4. Most people pick 1-seeds to advance far into the tournament, and they are most likely to win the championship.

I told you it was going to happen. It’s October 26th, the day that Marty McFly traveled back in time. So a Salty Chewbacca review of his favorite movie of all time only seems appropriate. I know I may have said in my June 16th review of Before Sunrise that it was my favorite movie of all time, but I go back and forth on these 2 movies. If I had to choose, it would be Back to the Future (1), and Before Sunrise (1A). But it’s so close. I would even go so far as to say that Back to the Future is in the top 2 or 3 of the 10 movies you have to see from the ‘80s … I will come up with that top 10 in the next few days and post it in the comments. There is so much to cover in this movie, so I will start with the easy stuff and go from there.

The music/score is amazing. My girlfriend has said that the movie theme is the greatest of all time, and she is pretty cool so it has to be true. The score throughout is absolutely perfect; every scene that calls for emotion or excitement delivers that and more. Then there is Huey Lewis’s “Power of Love”; it should be on everyone’s Walkman … I mean … what year are we in? What do kids use these days? iPods? Whatever … the song is awesome! There are several classic lines from the film that are still used today, or should be anyway: “Save the clock tower”, “What are you looking at, butthead?”, “Say hi to your mom for me”, “Let’s see if you bastards can do 90”, “Who the hell is John F. Kennedy?”, “Great Scott!”, “What the hell is a gigawatt?”, “Make like a tree and get outta here”, “Lou, give me a milk … chocolate”, “Dad … dad … dad … daddio”, “Hey you, get your damn hands off her”, “I don’t want to mess with no reefer addicts”, and “I guess you guys aren’t ready for that … but your kids are gonna love it”. Some important things are learned when you go back to the year 1955; orange vests may be cool in 1985 but can cause people in 1955 to think you are in the Coast Guard, and if you owned 2 TV’s in 1955 you would be rich. Ok now onto the plot. The story is so tightly written that it was able to leave itself open for a sequel (or two) without ever losing grip on what it was accomplishing in this movie, which could have easily stood on its own. Simple things are mentioned in the beginning, like the clock tower being struck by lightning in 1955 or George and Lorraine going to the Enchantment Under the Sea dance together and kissing for the very first time on the dance floor. You don’t even realize it, but the movie is telling you that everything that led to the current McFly family existence was all relying on unusual/amazing events that had to happen in 1955. Good thing nothing ever threatened to keep these things from happening …

Like, what if Doc hadn’t slipped and banged his head and come up with the flux capacitor, which is what makes time travel possible? I don’t even want to think about it! But it does happen, and 30 years later Doc gets some plutonium, which is what is required to generate the 1.21 gigawatts needed to power the flux capacitor, but then he gets shot by some Libyan terrorists, and Marty, in an attempt to escape the same fate, jumps in the DeLorean and accidentally travels back to November 5, 1955. Innocently, at first, Marty encounters teenage George and Biff at Lou’s café, but then gets hit by the car driven by his grandfather, which was supposed to hit George and set up the falling in love between Marty’s parents. Are you still following me? Good, because I am going to keep going. Marty wakes up to see teenage Lorraine who, get this, is HOT! Marty isn’t wearing his pants, which causes Lorraine to call Marty “Calvin” because it is written all over his underwear. If I had a nickel for every time my mom caught me with my pants down, I would have a nickel. Marty then meets up with 1955 Doc but has a hard time convincing him that he is from the future, but a story about a flux capacitor clears that up, because November 5, 1955 is the day Doc came up with the idea for the flux capacitor and how would Marty know about that? Now with Doc on his side, Marty has to get back to 1985, but plutonium is hard to come by and the only thing capable of producing the 1.21 gigawatts of electricity is a bolt of lightning, but you don’t know when or where it will strike … wait, yes we do; the clock tower! See I told you the writing was tight.

So now all Marty has to do is hang out for a week until the storm, and then he can go back, but Doc says no because it could change the future, but Marty kind of already did that when he bumped into his parents. And it is evident when Marty’s brother’s and sister’s images begin to fade from a photo in Marty’s wallet. Uh-oh … but Doc says they just have to get George and Lorraine together and they will fall in love. Simple. Or so they think … George seems too interested in writing a sci-fi story about visitors coming down to earth from other planets, and Biff’s aggressiveness towards Lorraine could become an issue. But Marty stands up to Biff, and then “Darth Vader from the planet Vulcan” visits George and convinces him to ask Lorraine to the dance. Ok, things seem to be back on track. George drops a sweet line to Lorraine: “I’m your density”, but Marty’s invention of the skateboard and Biff crashing into a manure truck distract Lorraine. Doc builds a model of the town but doesn’t have time to build it to scale or paint it, but its use is to show Marty the plan to get him back to 1985. Doc will run a cable from the clock tower to the lamp posts and have a pole and hook attached to the flux capacitor; once the car reaches 88 mph and lightning hits the cable, the hook will make contact and generate the 1.21 gigawatts and Marty will be back in 1985. The simulation causes the model car to catch fire, but Doc isn’t worried; he will take care of the lightning and Marty just has to take care of his pop … oh right back to George and Lorraine.

Lorraine wants Marty to ask her to the Enchantment Under the Sea dance; you know, the one where George and Lorraine are supposed to kiss for the very first time. Marty and George come up with a plan to have George rescue Lorraine, so Marty turns his attention to warning Doc about the night in 1985 where he gets shot, but Doc won’t listen. So Marty writes Doc a letter and puts it in Doc’s jacket. Marty and Lorraine arrive at the dance and decide to park for a while. Lorraine drink and smokes, but that doesn’t stop Marty from having “thoughts” about his mom … I will leave this part up to your imagination … Back to the dance. Marvin Berry and the Starlighters is the band playing at the dance, and Biff is out for revenge against Marty for causing $300 damage to his car; he’s going to take it out of his ass. But Biff decides he wants to rape Lorraine first, so Biff’s gang throws Marty in the trunk of Marvin Berry’s car, which is unfortunate because that’s where the keys are. How is Marty going to save Lorraine? Cue George at the car where he is expecting Marty with Lorraine, but he finds Biff instead. George stands up to Biff and knocks him out with one punch. Marvin slices his hand opening the trunk to get Marty out. Now the dance is in jeopardy, unless someone else can play guitar. If only … we do know someone that plays the guitar! Just when you think all is lost it finds a way to continue being awesome.

Marty plays the guitar while the band performs “Earth Angel” and George, who is popular now, is dancing with Lorraine. With the future still up in the air, Marty begins to fade away. But George kisses Lorraine and Marty springs back, and his brother and sister are back in the picture. With everything going well, Marty is about to leave the dance, but the band wants him to do another song, something that “really cooks”. So Marty suggests a “blues riff in B, watch me for the changes, and try to keep up” and starts playing an “oldie where he comes from”, which just happens to be “Johnny B. Goode”. The kids love it, even Marvin, which causes him to call his cousin Chuck Berry so he can listen to that new sound he’s been looking for. Yeah, Marty just created rock-n-roll! Marty duck-walks across the stage and kicks over the amp, causing everyone to stop and stare at him. This is probably a good time for him to leave and meet up with Doc … you know, to go back to 1985 and all.

The storm is coming and Marty is running late. Is this kid ever on time? He finally arrives and starts to say his goodbyes to Doc. Doc finds Marty’s letter and rips it up. A tree branch falls on the cable and it detaches. Doc climbs to the top of the clock tower to reattach it the cable and Marty gets in the DeLorean to drive to the starting point. He then realizes that he can just go back early to warn Doc, so he programs the time circuits 10 minutes earlier to beat the Libyans. Marty you are a genius! You have all the time in the world, you have a time machine. No! The car stalls, Doc slips and is hanging off of the hour hand, and the cable is hanging from the cuff of his pants … Are they going to make it in time before the lightning strikes the clock tower at precisely 10:04 pm? Marty bangs his head on the steering wheel, the car starts and he speeds towards the cable. Meanwhile, Doc connects the cable, slides down, and connects it at the other end, just as the lightning strikes and the hook hits the cable. Marty disappears and Doc does a dance.

Marty is back in 1985, the car stalls again, and the Libyans speed by him. Marty runs to the mall, but it’s too late; the Libyans shoot Doc and he watches “himself” go back in time. Marty thinks he has seen his best friend die for the second time, but Doc blinks and sits up … WHAAAAAT? Doc opens his suit to reveal a bulletproof vest. He pulls out Marty’s letter which is taped back together. Turns out Doc said “What the hell” to the space-time continuum. I wonder if anything else Marty has done will have any other effects on the future. Doc drops Marty off at his house and tells him that he is going to go 30 years into the future. Marty goes to sleep and wakes up the next morning thinking he has just had a nightmare. Oh but it is all real. As he walks out to the kitchen for breakfast he realizes that his house is different, his under-achieving brother is now wearing a suit on his way to the office, and his sister with no social life has a lot of boyfriends. His parents look great and have just come back from a game of tennis, and Biff is waxing the family car. Things are great! But they get better when copies of George’s first novel, A Match Made in Space, arrive in the mail, and Jennifer arrives and wants to go for a ride with Marty in his new black 4x4. They are about to share a kiss and end this long adventure, when Doc crashes the DeLorean (which now runs on trash power instead of plutonium power) into the driveway. Doc tells Marty that he and Jennifer have to go back to the future because their kids are in trouble. Sequel alert!!! Doc backs the car up and … wait for it … the car is now a hover-car, because where they are going they don’t need roads …

So I have just given you an awesome review/running diary of possibly the greatest 116 minutes of movie you will ever see. Speaking of awesome … I enjoyed it all on a Blu-ray copy that was absolutely delicious to watch. You should check it out and relive your childhood, because like Doc is always saying:

Doc: “If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything.”

Sunday, October 21, 2012

The father, the son, and the holy hooker



He Got Game (1998)

Rated: R

Runtime: 136 minutes

Stars: Denzel Washington, Ray Allen, Milla Jovovich, Rosario Dawson

Director: Spike Lee

Plot: Jake Shuttlesworth (Denzel Washington) is serving a prison sentence for accidentally killing his wife. He prefers to cook his grilled cheese sandwich with an iron, and enjoys a cold orange soda. Jesus Shuttlesworth (Ray Allen) attends Abraham Lincoln High School in Brooklyn and is the #1-rated basketball prospect in America. He spends his time hanging out with his cousin Booger, wears overall-shorts, and knows his Bible. Dakota (Milla Jovovich) is a prostitute living at the Surf Hotel, conveniently in the room next to Jake’s (we will get to that in a minute). LaLa Bonilla (Rosario Dawson) is Jesus’s girlfriend. Jake is “released” from prison for a week, and has to try to convince his son Jesus to attend Big State University. If he does, the governor will reduce his prison sentence. Jesus has to make his college decision while having to deal with family and friends all trying to get a piece of his future fame and fortune. Jesus is referred throughout the movie as “Coney Island Jesus”, not to be confused with “Black Jesus” (former NBA star Earl Monroe), “Basketball Jesus” (former NBA legend Larry Bird), or “Chocolate Jesus” (a song by current musician Tom Waits).

Ratingout of 5 basketballs: 3 basketballs. 1 for my recommendation of the movie, mostly so people will watch it and decide if they like/dislike it because I am not sure if my review is helpful, 1 basketball because I don’t want Spike Lee to hate me, and 1 basketball because I was able to include references to Larry Bird, Tom Waits, and Star Wars in a 1000-word review of a Spike Lee movie and have them make more sense than anything he tries to accomplish in 136 minutes of a film.

Tournament seed: 5–9movie is favored to win its first game in the tournament and has a good chance to win a second game. But depending on the team it is matched up against, could be an early upset. Be sure to do your research before choosing.

This is a tough call. Spike Lee’s direction of this film is not that good, and the movie is all over the place. Hopefully, I will be able to sift through this mess and come to a conclusion by the end of my review. Public Enemy has a cool song in the movie, but there are also a variety of scenes with sweeping dramatic music playing, and that gets a bit annoying. There is a lot of sex and nudity in the movie: Jesus and LaLa have sex on a Ferris wheel; Jesus is getting a tour of Tech University and then he is getting his swerve on with Buffy and Suzie; and Jake (in the middle of helping and getting to know Dakota) borrows some money from his parole officer (played by NFL legend Jim Brown) to buy Dakota for the night and tries to take it slow with her, but it is over fast if you know what I mean. Some might find all of this awesome, while others might find it to be too much. The basketball scenes are pretty cool; Denzel has a decent jump-shot, but it’s all about Ray here. This movie was released in 1998, but his form (then) still looks as smooth as it does today, almost 15 years later. I have always been a huge fan of his, even though he is now with the hated Heat. The plot is good, father/son struggles mixed in with young love. But then it gets confusing to keep straight who is good/bad; Lala is cheating on Jesus, but Jesus cheats on Lala; Jake was a demanding father but now seems to have Jesus’s best interests in mind. Oh, and Jake did kill his wife ... albeit accidentally. And then there is the language. I know Spike Lee likes his “motherfucker” just as much as anyone else, and I am not going to argue his use of the n-word; he has every right to say it. I just don’t get why he has white characters saying it. With every Spike Lee movie there are powerful messages he tries to get across, but all I really learned from this movie is in 1998 a pair of Jordans would set you back $150, fist bumping was cool way back then, Jesus is a biblical name, Jesus Shuttlesworth was a better prospect than former New York legends Kenny Anderson and Stephon Marbury, drugs/alcohol/pussy will take a n****r down, it’s the will of the man not the skill of the man, and boy you got to get the hatred out your heart or you gonna end up just another n****r like your father ... though I learned that years ago from Star Wars. All of life’s big decisions should come down to a game of one-on-one, so Jake and Jesus play with Big State on the line. Hopefully, they can finish this game and not have it end like the time Jesus threw the ball over the fence when he was younger (a little foreshadowing there). Jesus wins 11-5, and Jake heads back to prison. All ends well when Jesus chooses Big State, and Dakota is seen on a bus apparently headed out west, but it is unknown if the governor is going to follow through with his part of the deal. Jesus and Jake are shown shooting jump-shots to close out the film, each in their respected homes: Jesus at Big State, Jake in state prison ... and then it gets weird. Jake throws his ball over the wall, and it ends up in the gym where Jesus is. What??? Spike Lee, you might be out of your mojo mind!

Maybe some words of advice from 6 prominent coaches of the time (John Chaney - Temple University, Lute Olson - University of Arizona, Nolan Richardson - University of Arkansas, Dean Smith - University of North Carolina, John Thompson - Georgetown University, and Roy Williams - University of Kansas) can help me with my review, just like they helped Jesus in this movie.... Oh wait, they didn’t help him either. They all fed him the same clichéd line:

“This will be the most important decision in your life.”

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Where's the D? It's right here!



Love & Basketball (2000)

Rated: PG-13

Runtime: 124 minutes

Stars: Omar Epps, Sanaa Lathan, Dennis Haysbert

Director: Gina Prince-Bythewood

Plot: Quincy “Q” McCall (Omar Epps) is a star basketball player at Crenshaw High School, wants to play college hoops at USC, and pushes girls down when they are beating him in basketball. Monica Wright (Sanna Lathan) is a also a star player at Crenshaw High School, also wants to play college hoops at USC, idolizes Magic Johnson, has a temper, and prefers Twinkies over flowers. Zeke McCall (Dennis Haysbert) is Q’s father and a former NBA star, who now spends his nights “scouting” for the Clippers. Monica moves next door to Quincy when they are both 11 years old, and they form a friendship that has a lot of ups and downs.

Ratingout of 5 basketballs: 3 basketballs. 1 for the story, 1 for the Double Dribble reference, and 1 for the shout-out from Omar Epps.

Tournament seed: 5–9movie is favored to win its first game in the tournament and has a good chance to win a second game. But depending on the team it is matched up against, could be an early upset. Be sure to do your research before choosing.

Pretty good movie about basketball, even though it doesn’t have a lot of basketball action in it. Omar Epps has decent skills, but the women just shoot layups. The movie has a great idea of dividing itself into four quarters like a NBA game, which makes it easier to show the two stars grow together: first as kids, second as seniors in high school, third as freshman in college, and fourth as young adults. The movie travels through the early ‘80s into the mid ‘90s, so we are treated to classic rap/r&b hits by Bobby Brown, Digital Underground, Kool Moe Dee, New Edition, and Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock … and we get to see college kids playing the greatest basketball game ever: Nintendo’s Double Dribble. Quincy and Monica are pretty convincing in their love/hate relationship. It starts with Quincy giving Monica a scar on her face during a game of 2-on-2, moves on to some fooling around on the lawn after they both find out/announce their intentions to attend USC, travels from the lawn into Monica’s bedroom where Monica is “pleasantly surprised” when Quincy takes off his pants, elevates into a game of strip 1-on-1 in college, takes a step back when Monica puts her success in basketball ahead of being there for Quincy when he finds out his father cheated on his mom, which then causes Quincy to want to drop out of school and enter the NBA draft and see other girls. The movie then fast forwards 5 years to Quincy playing a limited role for the Lakers and Monica starting for a team in Spain. They are drawn back to each other after Quincy blows out his knee and Monica loses her love for the game and moves back in with her parents. Quincy is engaged to Tyra Banks … I mean Kyra (played by Tyra Banks … seriously … that was the best they could come up with for her … Kyra … ugh), but Monica still has feelings for him and wants him back. She tells Quincy she fell out of love for the game of basketball because he wasn’t in her life anymore, and challenges him to a game of 1-on-1 … for his heart. With the game tied 4-4, Monica misses a layup, and Quincy dunks for the win. Monica starts to walk away, but Quincy says “double or nothing” and they get all smoochie. The movie then cuts to 1 year later and Monica is now playing for the L.A. Sparks and she and Quincy are married and have a daughter.

What’s cool about this movie is I learned some stuff along the way: being someone’s girl means you play ball together, ride bikes to school together, get flowers when the boy is trying to be nice, and you kiss in the bushes for five seconds. Also: the last time the Clippers won, Dr. J was a nurse; “U-G-L-Y” and “Yo Mama” are classic cheers that never get old; Nike makes dresses; offense sells tickets; defense wins games; some things should never fuckin’ happen; and if basketball is all you care about, you shouldn’t be bonin’ your boyfriend …  you should bone Dick Vitale.

Oh, I forgot to mention; Omar Epps gave me a shout-out when his character was talking to Monica; she was all mopey after a practice and he says:

Quincy: “So, you’re gonna act Salty all night?”

Monday, October 8, 2012

Is this shit regulation?



White Men Can’t Jump (1992)

Rated: R

Runtime: 116 minutes

Stars: Woody Harrelson, Wesley Snipes, Rosie Perez

Director: Ron Shelton

Plot: Billy Hoyle (Woody Harrelson) is a secret basketball star that likes to wear tie-dye hats, cargo shorts, and Parental Advisory Explicit Lyrics t-shirts, and likes listening to Jimi Hendrix. Sidney Deane (Wesley Snipes) is a fast talking street ball hustler with a wife and kid, and performs a variety of odd jobs to support his family. Gloria Clemente (Rosie Perez) is Billy’s girlfriend and a former disco queen from Brooklyn and spends her time studying for Jeopardy! and getting horny and naked listening to Ray Charles. Billy (being white) finds it easy to convince black street ballers (like Sydney) that he is bad at basketball and then wins their money. Sydney convinces Billy that he can make more money if they work as a team. On a side note, Billy and Gloria are on the run from the Stucci brothers after Billy doesn’t come through on a fixed basketball game.

Ratingout of 5 basketballs: 2 basketballs. 1 for my recommendation of the movie and 1 because it wins the award for “basketball movie with the most uses of the word fuck”.

Tournament seed: 10-12movie is a sleeper, primed to upset a higher seed. Don’t be surprised if other people jump on the bandwagon when the brackets are released. It could play its way into the sweet 16.

When I sat down to watch this movie, for 37 seconds I thought I was about to watch White Men Can Pump; the opening credits were designed to look like a cheap porno (“A Ron Shelton Film” even sounds icky), and there was the familiar “bow-chicka-bow” music. But then the early ‘90s hip-hop kicked in (Boo-Yaa T.R.I.B.E, Boyz II Men, Cypress Hill, Queen Latifah and a fun little group called The Venice Beach Boys are featured throughout), and everything was safe. Speaking of featured throughout … I am going to estimate the word “fuck” is used around 200 times, in such creative ways like “fuck that fucker” and “I’m in a fuckin’ zone”. There was also an array of “Yo Momma” jokes such as “Let’s just get off mommas, ‘cause I just got off yours” and “Your mother’s an astronaut”. The basketball scenes are mostly slow-motion shots of tricky passes, spin moves, and reverse layupsnothing too exciting. After Billy hustles Sidney, Sidney hustles Billy, and along the way I learn some important lessons: hearing something and listening to something are two different things, you either smoke or you get smoked, sometimes when you win you really lose, and Pistons vs. Lakers can solve any dispute between bros. This segues nicely into Billy and Sidney making up and entering the 2-on-2 Brotherhood Tournament. But then they are back to not getting along, even though they win the tournament and $5000. Sidney thinks Billy can’t dunk because white men can’t jump (like the tile of the movie!). Billy says he can, and so he puts his $2500 on the line. After a few unsuccessful attempts to “jam” or “stuff it”, Billy loses the bet and then Gloria leaves him.... She is tired of Billy losing all of their money and probably fears for her life because they will never be able to pay back the Stucci brothers. Oh. And I learn another important lesson: champagne is for winners, wine is for losers. Billy is sad, so Sidney uses his connections to get Gloria on Jeopardy! Good thing she spent all her time studying learning seven foods that start with the letter Q, because one of the categories is “foods that start with the letter Q”. That’s not the only thing that works in her favor; even though you are not supposed to be able to ring in early on the show, Gloria somehow can, and she still only wins like $14,000. Billy sings Gloria a song called “My Gloria” to win her back and then they screw. He promises her that his days of hustling are over … but then Sidney informs him that “Duck” and “The King” are in town. Billy “guarantees” victory but Gloria leaves him for good; because, you know, sometimes when you win you really lose. Billy and Sidney battle their way to a 14-13 lead, (the first to 15 wins) and then Sidney throws a backdoor lob to Billy for the dunk-jam-stuff and the win.

There were a lot of jokes or lines in the movie that were probably a lot more funny twenty years ago, but I laughed pretty hard when a group of guys were arguing over whether they saw Kadeem Hardison or Eddie Murphy courtside at a Lakers game … it’s funny because Kadeem Hardison played one of the guys in the movie. And it’s funny to think that Kadeem Hardison was famous enough to sit courtside at a Lakers game.