Is this shit regulation?

White Men Can’t Jump (1992)

Rated: R

Runtime: 116 minutes

Stars: Woody Harrelson, Wesley Snipes, Rosie Perez

Director: Ron Shelton

Plot: Billy Hoyle (Woody Harrelson) is a secret basketball star that likes to wear tie-dye hats, cargo shorts, and Parental Advisory Explicit Lyrics t-shirts, and likes listening to Jimi Hendrix. Sidney Deane (Wesley Snipes) is a fast talking street ball hustler with a wife and kid, and performs a variety of odd jobs to support his family. Gloria Clemente (Rosie Perez) is Billy’s girlfriend and a former disco queen from Brooklyn and spends her time studying for Jeopardy! and getting horny and naked listening to Ray Charles. Billy (being white) finds it easy to convince black street ballers (like Sydney) that he is bad at basketball and then wins their money. Sydney convinces Billy that he can make more money if they work as a team. On a side note, Billy and Gloria are on the run from the Stucci brothers after Billy doesn’t come through on a fixed basketball game.

Rating—out of 5 basketballs: 2 basketballs. 1 for my recommendation of the movie and 1 because it wins the award for “basketball movie with the most uses of the word fuck”.

Tournament seed: 10-12—movie is a sleeper, primed to upset a higher seed. Don’t be surprised if other people jump on the bandwagon when the brackets are released. It could play its way into the sweet 16.

When I sat down to watch this movie, for 37 seconds I thought I was about to watch White Men Can Pump; the opening credits were designed to look like a cheap porno (“A Ron Shelton Film” even sounds icky), and there was the familiar “bow-chicka-bow” music. But then the early ‘90s hip-hop kicked in (Boo-Yaa T.R.I.B.E, Boyz II Men, Cypress Hill, Queen Latifah and a fun little group called The Venice Beach Boys are featured throughout), and everything was safe. Speaking of featured throughout … I am going to estimate the word “fuck” is used around 200 times, in such creative ways like “fuck that fucker” and “I’m in a fuckin’ zone”. There was also an array of “Yo Momma” jokes such as “Let’s just get off mommas, ‘cause I just got off yours” and “Your mother’s an astronaut”. The basketball scenes are mostly slow-motion shots of tricky passes, spin moves, and reverse layups—nothing too exciting. After Billy hustles Sidney, Sidney hustles Billy, and along the way I learn some important lessons: hearing something and listening to something are two different things, you either smoke or you get smoked, sometimes when you win you really lose, and Pistons vs. Lakers can solve any dispute between bros. This segues nicely into Billy and Sidney making up and entering the 2-on-2 Brotherhood Tournament. But then they are back to not getting along, even though they win the tournament and $5000. Sidney thinks Billy can’t dunk because white men can’t jump (like the tile of the movie!). Billy says he can, and so he puts his $2500 on the line. After a few unsuccessful attempts to “jam” or “stuff it”, Billy loses the bet and then Gloria leaves him.... She is tired of Billy losing all of their money and probably fears for her life because they will never be able to pay back the Stucci brothers. Oh. And I learn another important lesson: champagne is for winners, wine is for losers. Billy is sad, so Sidney uses his connections to get Gloria on Jeopardy! Good thing she spent all her time studying learning seven foods that start with the letter Q, because one of the categories is “foods that start with the letter Q”. That’s not the only thing that works in her favor; even though you are not supposed to be able to ring in early on the show, Gloria somehow can, and she still only wins like $14,000. Billy sings Gloria a song called “My Gloria” to win her back and then they screw. He promises her that his days of hustling are over … but then Sidney informs him that “Duck” and “The King” are in town. Billy “guarantees” victory but Gloria leaves him for good; because, you know, sometimes when you win you really lose. Billy and Sidney battle their way to a 14-13 lead, (the first to 15 wins) and then Sidney throws a backdoor lob to Billy for the dunk-jam-stuff and the win.

There were a lot of jokes or lines in the movie that were probably a lot more funny twenty years ago, but I laughed pretty hard when a group of guys were arguing over whether they saw Kadeem Hardison or Eddie Murphy courtside at a Lakers game … it’s funny because Kadeem Hardison played one of the guys in the movie. And it’s funny to think that Kadeem Hardison was famous enough to sit courtside at a Lakers game.