Please Wake Me Up

The Phantom Menace (1999)

Rating: PG

Runtime: 136 minutes

Box office (in today’s dollars): 612 million (approximately)

Characters: Anakin Skywalker, Queen Padme Amidala, Qui-Gon Jinn, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Darth Maul, Senator Palpatine, Captain Panaka, Chancellor Valorum, Shmi Skywalker, Yoda, Mace Windu, R2-D2, C-3PO, Jabba the Hutt, Nute Gunray, Boss Nass, Sebulba, Watto, Jar Jar Binks

Favorite Quote: “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.”

Favorite Scene: Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan vs. Darth Maul

Favorite Character: Yoda

Other need-to-see nineties movies directed by George Lucas: none

A long long time ago, in a galaxy far away . . . more on that later. I was 23 when this movie came out. An age where I was young enough to spend 36 hours standing/sitting/sleeping first in line waiting to buy tickets. About a half an hour into the movie I fell asleep for (I would guess) 15 minutes. I didn’t miss much. For the all the hype surrounding the first Star Wars movie in 16 years(!), all I can say is it was bad. The characters were bad. The dialogue was bad. The African and Asian stereotypes were bad. Even what was intended to be the most exciting part of the movie (the pod race) dragged on way too long (ten minutes). But it was good to see some of the old gang; Yoda (my favorite character) and R2-D2 made appearances, and I am sure that at the time I was a huge fan of new character Mace Windu.

Almost every line spoken in the movie is bad; with Anakin and Jar Jar Binks getting a large portion of screen time it adds up quickly. But Yoda is there to save the day with his “fear” speech (my favorite quote) directed at Anakin. As for favorite scene, I had to suffer through the pod race and too-many-I-lost-count moments where Jar Jar was just being Jar Jar. The Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan battle with Darth Maul near the end of the movie is amazing.

About a month after the movie came out, Weird Al released a song called “The Saga Begins”. It was a parody of the hit song from 1971 “American Pie” and contained lyrics that in less than six minutes told you everything you needed to know about the disaster that was Phantom Menace. I have a friend Andy who bought the cd and demanded that we listen to it at least once a day while driving around the streets of Hanover. At the time it was annoying, but now I guess I just miss my friend.

Next movie to review: South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut