Mama says they was magic shoes

Slam Dunk Ernest (1995)

Rated: PG

Runtime: 93 minutes

Stars: Jim Varney, Cylk Cozart, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

Director: John R. Cherry III

Plot: Ernest P. Worrell (Jim Varney) is an un-athletic janitor who wants to be on the Clean Sweep city league team with his co-workers. He convinces Barry (Cylk Cozart), fellow janitor, father, and could-have-been pro basketball player, to let him suit up. When Ernest causes the team to lose, the Archangel of Basketball (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar) appears, and gives him a pair of magic sneakers. The sneakers begin “talking” to Ernest and help him run faster and jump higher. Clean Sweep begins winning their way towards an exhibition game against the NBA’s Charlotte Hornets.

Rating—out of 5 basketballs: ½ basketball for the quote at the end of my review.

Tournament seed: 13–15—movie hangs around with higher seed for the 1^st half, but the 2^nd half results in a blowout. Only advances in the tournament if matched up with an overrated team. Pick with caution.

I was shocked when I discovered that this movie was made in 1995. It should have been made in the late ’80s when Ernest entertainment was at its peak. The movie opens with the title being spray-painted graffiti style on a brick wall, the jokes and Ernest’s mannerisms are not funny, and “Knowhutimean” is a catchphrase I will not be using anytime soon. The music/score is of no help; the same tune is used throughout every basketball scene. The basketball action is done on an 8-foot basket, and Ernest is clearly flying around with the use of wires. I’m not sure how nobody (other than Barry’s son Quincy near the end of the movie) ever questions Ernest’s acts of basketball wizardry. The movie tries to teach lessons throughout: Kareem tells Ernest, “Don’t misuse the shoes,” Barry tries to teach his son that education and hard work lead to success, and Ernest gives up stardom for the good of the team. There is also the angel/Satan side-plot involving Kareem and a shady character named Mr. Moloch, in which they are using the magic sneakers to see if people will use them for good or for their own benefit.

Barry has a sweet montage at the end of the game that leads to him gaining the interest of some pro scouts, and ESPN is reporting live . . . which leads us to how this movie earned a ½ basketball:

ESPN reporter: “The Clean Sweep team has taken the floor without their star Ernest. Stand by; we may be switching to midget racing.”