I love Uranus

Spaceballs (1987)

Rating: PG

Runtime: 96 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 78 million (approximately)

Characters: Captain Lone Star, Barfolomew, Princess Vespa, Dot Matrix, Lord Dark Helmet, Colonel Sandurz, President Skroob, Pizza the Hut, Yogurt

Cool Stuff: Eagle 5

Cool Music: “Spaceballs”

Cool Quote: “May the Schwartz be with you.”

This movie is full of puns, which is what I spend most of my day trying to come up with ... so of course I laughed a lot. It is also full of language and innuendo, which I try to stay away from in my puns ... so this movie (although rated PG) is probably not for kids. I wonder how other Star Wars fans feel about this movie (it being a parody and all). I think the characters in this are great; Lone Star, Barfolomew, Princess Vespa, Dot Matrix, Dark Helmet, and Yogurt are all funny.... Pizza the Hut is pretty gross, but possibly delicious. The opening to the movie has the Star Wars crawl and a ridiculously big ship called Spaceball 1 doing the flyby.

Lone Star’s ship: the Eagle 5 is the Millennium Falcon of its time, and by that I mean it’s a Winnebago with wings. It’s pretty cool and allows plenty of room for dancing to any of Bon Jovi’s greatest hits. Speaking of great hits, the song “Spaceballs” is fun. It’s no “NeverEnding Story” or “Ghostbusters”, but I would put it on a CD and breakdance to it. Like I said before, there are a lot of great puns in the movie, so coming up with coolest quote took some time. I had to sort through classic lines like “Your helmet is so big” and “I bet she gives great helmet” and “I see your Schwartz is as big as mine”. I’ll skip the naughty and go with the classic “May the Schwartz be with you.”

It seems strange that I have only seen one other Mel Brooks movie (the other being Robin Hood: Men in Tights); I should—and probably will someday—see Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein. But it isn’t so weird because there are a lot of movies I haven’t seen that I probably should have at this point in my life: The Godfather, The Godfather II, and Smokey and the Bandit. But since none of those movies came out in the eighties, Salty Chewbacca won’t be watching any of those for a while.

Next movie to review: The Princess Bride

Meet the Murtaughs

Lethal Weapon (1987)

Rating: R

Runtime: 117 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 134 million (approximately)

Characters: Roger Murtaugh, Martin Riggs, Trish Murtaugh, Rianne Murtaugh, Nick Murtaugh, Carrie Murtaugh, General Peter McAllister, Joshua, Michael Hunsaker, Endo, Burbank the cat, Sam the dog

Cool Stuff: Party Nogg

Cool Music: “Lethal Weapon”

Cool Quote: “I’m too old for this shit.”

This is the last of the “I have not seen this yet” on my list of ’80s movies for my blog. I had seen Lethal Weapon 4 (when it came out in the theater in 1998), but I don’t remember anything about it. I am sure that if I had seen this movie when I was 11 or 12, I would have remembered that the movie is set during late December and the opening scene involves breasts and cocaine.... Merry Christmas! We are then introduced to the classic buddy cop duo of Murtaugh (the family man) and Riggs (the loose cannon). Sprinkled throughout the rest of the film are some bad guys (General Peter McAllister, Joshua, and Endo), a man I can relate to (Hunsaker), Burbank (the cat), and Sam (the dog).

So back to Hansaker ... his love of Party Nogg is the coolest thing from the movie:

Who wouldn’t want to party with this guy? He has six cartons lined up and ready to go! Unfortunately, it will be the death of him. There are several scenes that have some saxy music playing, but the musical gem is a song from the band Honeymoon Suite called “Lethal Weapon”. You might remember Honeymoon Suite and their amazing hit from 1986 called “What Does It Take”. And by you I mean me.... I loved that song! The cool quote from the movie is “I’m too old for the shit,” said by Murtaugh throughout this film and all of the sequels. After only having one bad language “cool quote” through the first 19 movies, two of the last three have contained profanity. Salty says sorry to all my followers who have kids.

This movie is probably the first buddy cop movie ever and definitely one of the more popular ones even today. I don’t know if I can come up with a list of my favorites, but I am pretty sure National Lampoon’s Loaded Weapon 1 would be somewhere in the top ten. Samuel L. Jackson and William Shatner in the same movie ... it really can’t get any better than that.

Next movie to review: Spaceballs

High Fievel

An American Tail (1986)

Rating: G

Runtime: 80 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 101 million (approximately)

Characters: Fievel Mousekewitz, Papa Mousekewitz, Mama Mousekewitz, Tanya Mousekewitz, Baby Mousekewitz, Henri, Tony Toponi, Bridget, Warren T. Rat, Digit, Tiger, Honest John, Gussie Mausheimer, Moe

Cool Stuff: Fievel’s hat

Cool Music: “Somewhere Out There”

Cool Quote: Fievel is cute, but he never says anything cool

Yay, an animated movie to review! The first 20 movies on my ’80s movie list were live action; this, after watching 52 Disney movies for my last blog tournament, and Space Jam for my first blog tournament ... so it’s nice to get back to some animation. Fievel Mousekewitz is pretty cute. He has big ears and cries for his Papa a lot. Toni Toponi is a street-tough mouse who helps Fievel (or Filly, as Tony calls him) look for his family. Warren T. Rat is the leader of the Mott Street Maulers (great name for a gang) and isn’t quite who he says he is.... The coolest thing in the movie, other than the song (we will get to that) is Fievel’s hat. It is obviously too big for his head, which makes him that much cuter. If only he didn’t misplace it all the time ... which worked out fine because it seemed to always find him.

Oh how I love the song “Somewhere Out There”. It is an ’80s love song at its finest. In the movie, Fievel and his sister Tanya sing this song “to each other” while staring at the moon, because you never know when the ones you love might be wishing on the same bright star or sleeping underneath the same big sky. Fievel says a lot of cute things in the movie, but there isn’t really a great quote from the movie. Though I did learn that there are no cats in America and to never say never.

So like I said, it is great to get back to an animated movie. Other than The Little Mermaid (last year’s Salty Chewbacca Cinderella Cinema Tournament Challenge champion), Disney movies from the ’80s were either okay (The Fox and the Hound, The Great Mouse Detective) or bad (The Black Cauldron, Oliver & Company). Don Bluth does have another animated movie that I will be watching/reviewing for my blog (The Land Before Time), so it will be interesting to see which one advances further in my bracket.

Next movie to review: Lethal Weapon

Space Invaders

Aliens (1986)

Rating: R

Runtime: 154 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 181 million (approximately)

Characters: Ellen Ripley, Rebecca “Newt” Jorden, Carter Burke, Bishop, Sergeant Apone, Private Crowe, Corporal Dietrich, Private Drake, Corporal Ferro, Private Frost, Lieutenant Gorman, Corporal Hicks, Private Hudson, Private Spunkmeyer, Private Vasquez, Private Wierzbowski, Jonesy the cat

Cool Stuff: Power loader

Cool Music: If by cool you mean really quiet, only to set you up to be scared, then all of it

Cool Quote: “Get away from her, you bitch!”

Wow. This movie is scary. Wow. Ellen Ripley is awesome. There are several characters in this movie to choose from to either love or hate, but Ripley is by far the easiest to love. Newt is a cute kid with a sweet catchphrase, and Jonesy is (I think) the first cat to play a major role that I have encountered on my list of movies. Burke is a jerk, Bishop is an android, Hudson is a baby, Vasquez is a bad-ass, and Spunkmeyer is just fun to say. As far as the aliens are concerned ... well, they are terrifying and gross. Good thing Ripley is there to take care of them for good ...?

The movie takes place in space, so there are lots of ships and vehicles that are cool, but the power loader is the coolest. Without giving anything away, I’ll let you in on a little secret about the power loader: it was made for a man, but easily operated by a woman. There was not any memorable music from the movie, but that is what made it great. It was there quietly hanging out in the background and then an alien would jump out to scare you!

The coolest quote is probably one you don’t want to say in front of the kids. Most of the “cool quotes” from my list of ’80s movies have been pretty harmless ... ”We came. We saw. We kicked its ass” is the only one so far that has had any bad language ... until now. Ripley’s “Get away from her, you bitch!” is a classic and is delivered during Ripley’s finest moment.

Again, this was a movie that I did not see until I was much older. Sadly, the first of the Alien movies I saw was Alien Resurrection. Don’t judge me! I love me some Winona Ryder. My girlfriend says she prefers Aliens to Alien. I say watch this movie mostly with the lights on ... mostly.

Next movie to review: An American Tail

I am the Goblin King!

Labyrinth (1986)

Rating: PG

Runtime: 101 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 27 million (approximately)

Characters: Sarah Williams, Jareth the Goblin King, Toby Williams, Hoggle, Ludo, Sir Didymus, The Wiseman, The Worm, The Door Knockers, Robert Williams, Irene Williams, Merlin the dog, Owl

Cool Stuff: David Bowie’s junk

Cool Music: Every sweet song out of David Bowie’s mouth

Cool Quote: “You have no power over me!”

Before I get talking about David Bowie’s crystal balls, I have to say, of the movies on my list that I hadn’t seen (there were four of them), this is the one I looked forward to the most. People have been trying to get me to watch this for years. I wish I had seen it sooner. I think 12-year-old Jeff would have loved this movie. Sarah Williams is the first leading lady hero of the movies I have watched and reviewed. She is great, and has to deal with a crying brother (Toby), an inattentive father and step-mother (Robert and Irene), a friend/back-stabber (Hoggle), another friend that is always complaining about the smell (Ludo), and a David Bowie (Jareth the Goblin King) ... who is perfectly cast. Nobody else could be Jareth.

My girlfriend Rebecca (and many others) had given me a heads up that Jareth’s man region was a thing of beauty ... and, well, it was/is the coolest stuff in the movie. There were three great songs by David Bowie (“As the World Falls Down”, “Magic Dance”, and “Underground”).... I don’t know which one is the best. Give me some time and I might have an answer. The coolest quote from the movie is one Sarah almost forgets, but then breaks Jareth’s spell by yelling: “You have no power over me!” ... though there is a lyric from one of the songs that everyone else seems to love but I can’t remember. I will stick it at the end of my review.

There are two cool/creepy scenes I really liked: the helping hands scene was like crowd surfing for goths, and the face-off on the stairs was basically a live action M.C. Escher painting. Oh, and the lyric that everyone loves is from the “Song That Never Ends” of its time: “You remind me of the babe. What babe? The babe with the power. What power? The power of voodoo. Who do? You do. Do what? Remind me of the babe.”

Next movie to review: Aliens