All Stripped Down

American Pie (1999)

Rating: R

Runtime: 96 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 146 million (approximately)

Characters: Jim, Kevin, Oz, Finch, Stifler, Vicki, Jessica, Heather, Michelle, Nadia, Sherman, Jim’s dad, Jim’s mom, Stifler’s mom

Favorite Quote: “This one time, at band camp …”

Favorite Scene: Jim fucks an apple pie

Favorite Character: Jim

Other need-to-see nineties movies directed by Paul and Chris Weitz: none

I remember working at the theater when this movie came out and I let so many teenagers buy tickets without carding them. You’re welcome!! This film was filled with things that happened to me when I was in high school: I watched scrambled porn, drank jizz beer, and said “Suck me, beautiful” to a handful of girls. Ok, I only did one of those things. We all knew the characters from the film because they were like everyone we grew up with and either loved or hated them. There were popular guys (Kevin, Oz, Stifler), and nerdy guys (Jim, Finch), and popular girls (Vicki, Nadia), and nerdy girls (Jessica, Heather, Michelle), and uncool dads and hot moms. My favorite is Jim because, well, I was Jim in high school: I thought Ariel was hot, and I tried to get with the popular girl instead of the nerdy girl who was in front of me the whole time.

I am pretty sure every guy that watched this movie in 1999 would have said his favorite scene was when Nadia was in Jim’s room masturbating to porn. Me, I will go with Jim fucking the apple pie. Why?? Because he fucked an apple pie!! I am also pretty sure that everyone’s favorite quote is the same as my favorite quote. You couldn’t go anywhere in 1999 without someone saying “This one time, at band camp …” You also couldn’t go anywhere and not run into anyone that didn’t have the movie soundtrack. It had every cool band at the time: Blink-182, Dishwalla, Sugar Ray, Third Eye Blind, and Tonic. The movie had cool music too:  Barenaked Ladies, Everclear, Harvey Danger, Hole, and 3 Doors Down. Ah, the nineties!!

The band (see what I did there) would get back together for American Pie 2 (2001), American Wedding (2003), and American Reunion (2012). But none of them were able to capture the magic of the original. Side note: if Salty Chewbacca were to ever do a movies from the 2000s (?) blog, it will definitely be all about movie franchises. To the next step!!

Next movie to review: The Blair Witch Project

Hell Broke Luce

South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (1999)

Rating: R

Runtime: 81 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 74 million (approximately)

Characters: Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman, Stan Marsh, Kenny McCormick, Sheila Broflovski, Gerald Broflovski, Ike Broflovski, Liane Cartman, Sharon Marsh, Randy Marsh, Shelly Marsh, Carol McCormick, Stuart McCormick, Big Gay Al, Chef, Christophe, Gregory, Mr. Garrison, Mr. Hat, Mr. Mackey, Wendy Testaburger, Terrance, Phillip, Satan, Saddam Hussein, Winona Ryder

Favorite Quote: “I just don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.”

Favorite Scene: Winona Ryder’s ping-pong ball trick

Favorite Character: Eric Cartman

Other need-to-see nineties movies directed by Trey Parker: Cannibal! The Musical

It all starts so innocently when the gang (Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman) go to see Asses of Fire starring Terrance and Phillip. The language, violence, and sex add up quickly over the 81 minutes of this movie … but what did you expect?? Most everyone is here from the show: Chef, Mr. Garrison, Mr. Hat, Mr. Mackey, Big Gay Al, Satan, Saddam Hussein, and even Winona Ryder!! Cartman is my favorite. He’s the worst of the bunch, but he’s the funniest. Speaking of funny: there are many quotes throughout the movie that it was hard to choose just one as my favorite. But like any quote from South Park, you end up laughing at something that is sometimes a terrible … in this case Mr. Garrison’s response of “I just don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.” Yikes.

The heart of this movie is its musical numbers. I could have chosen any of them to be my favorite scene. Terrance and Phillip’s “Uncle Fucka”, Mr. Mackey’s “It’s Easy, M’Kay”, the South Park moms’ “Blame Canada”, Cartman’s “Kyle’s Mom’s a Bitch”, the boys’ “What Would Brian Boitano Do?”, Satan’s “Up There”, Gregory’s “La Resistance”, Big Gay Al’s “I’m Super” … what do I pick?? None. Did you think I wouldn’t choose Winona Ryder’s ping-pong ball trick as my favorite scene?? You don’t know me at all.

I had a hard time deciding if there were any other movies from the nineties directed by Trey Parker that were worth watching. My criteria for this part of the review (and for my previous reviews) was if the movie’s IMDb or Rotten Tomatoes score was similar to the movie I was reviewing. Orgazmo and BASEketball have pretty good followings but their scores are low. Cannibal! The Musical has a good IMDb score but a bad Rotten Tomatoes score. But I feel that it is so ridiculous of a movie (bad or good) that you should watch it at least once.

Next movie to review: American Pie

Please Wake Me Up

The Phantom Menace (1999)

Rating: PG

Runtime: 136 minutes

Box office (in today’s dollars): 612 million (approximately)

Characters: Anakin Skywalker, Queen Padme Amidala, Qui-Gon Jinn, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Darth Maul, Senator Palpatine, Captain Panaka, Chancellor Valorum, Shmi Skywalker, Yoda, Mace Windu, R2-D2, C-3PO, Jabba the Hutt, Nute Gunray, Boss Nass, Sebulba, Watto, Jar Jar Binks

Favorite Quote: “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.”

Favorite Scene: Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan vs. Darth Maul

Favorite Character: Yoda

Other need-to-see nineties movies directed by George Lucas: none

A long long time ago, in a galaxy far away . . . more on that later. I was 23 when this movie came out. An age where I was young enough to spend 36 hours standing/sitting/sleeping first in line waiting to buy tickets. About a half an hour into the movie I fell asleep for (I would guess) 15 minutes. I didn’t miss much. For the all the hype surrounding the first Star Wars movie in 16 years(!), all I can say is it was bad. The characters were bad. The dialogue was bad. The African and Asian stereotypes were bad. Even what was intended to be the most exciting part of the movie (the pod race) dragged on way too long (ten minutes). But it was good to see some of the old gang; Yoda (my favorite character) and R2-D2 made appearances, and I am sure that at the time I was a huge fan of new character Mace Windu.

Almost every line spoken in the movie is bad; with Anakin and Jar Jar Binks getting a large portion of screen time it adds up quickly. But Yoda is there to save the day with his “fear” speech (my favorite quote) directed at Anakin. As for favorite scene, I had to suffer through the pod race and too-many-I-lost-count moments where Jar Jar was just being Jar Jar. The Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan battle with Darth Maul near the end of the movie is amazing.

About a month after the movie came out, Weird Al released a song called “The Saga Begins”. It was a parody of the hit song from 1971 “American Pie” and contained lyrics that in less than six minutes told you everything you needed to know about the disaster that was Phantom Menace. I have a friend Andy who bought the cd and demanded that we listen to it at least once a day while driving around the streets of Hanover. At the time it was annoying, but now I guess I just miss my friend.

Next movie to review: South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut

Telephone Call From Istanbul

The Matrix (1999)

Rating: R

Runtime: 136 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 244 million (approximately)

Characters: Thomas Anderson/Neo, Morpheus, Trinity, Agent Smith, Apoc, Cypher, Dozer, Mouse, Switch, Tank, The Oracle

Favorite Quote: “How about I give you the finger, and you give me my phone call.”

Favorite Scene: The shootout when Neo and Trinity go to rescue Morpheus

Favorite Character: Trinity

Other need-to-see nineties movies directed by the Wachowskis: none

When this movie came out, I remember everybody talking about how it was going to change movies forever. And it did. For a few years, anyway. And not so much for the better. Every movie tried to “look” like The Matrix and it almost became laughable. But The Matrix was cool. Neo (the hero) was cool. Morpheus was cool. But Trinity was the coolest. She is my favorite character (I always pick the girl it seems). The rest of the crew had cool names like Mouse and Tank. I never had a cool nickname. Visually, the movie is amazing, so I will tell you my favorite scene later and favorite quote now: “How about I give you the finger, and you give me my phone call.” There is probably some awesome futuristic dialogue somewhere in the movie, but I always go with funny.

Ok, it’s later . . . favorite scene. I mentioned the “look” the movie had earlier, and there were a bunch of scenes I could have picked: Neo and Morpheus battle, Neo and Trinity in the helicopter, Neo stops the bullets . . . but the best scene is the shootout in the lobby when Neo and Trinity go to rescue Morpheus. So many bullets . . . so much Trinity awesomeness!!

The sequels (Reloaded and Revolutions) were not as good as the original, but they did start (or at least help popularize) the new trend in Hollywood for the next decade: movie franchises!! From Star Wars to Harry Potter to Lord of the Rings to Spider-Man to Pirates of the Caribbean, they just kept coming. And now twenty years after The Matrix was released, the box office has been dominated by the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I can’t imagine if The Matrix had failed that we would have ever been treated to a string of movies starring Iron Man, Thor, Captain America, Ant-Man, Doctor Strange, Spider-Man (third generation), Black Panther, and Captain Marvel. I mean, who would have defeated Thanos?? Tom Cruise?? Will Smith?? James Bond??

Next movie to review: The Phantom Menace

Fish & Bird

Rushmore (1998)

Rating: R

Runtime: 93 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 25 million (approximately)

Characters: Max Fischer, Herman Blume, Rosemary Cross, Dirk Calloway, Margaret Yang, Magnus Buchan, Dr. Nelson Guggenheim, Bert Fischer, Dr. Peter Flynn, Donny Blume, Ronny Blume, Mrs. Calloway, Mr. Little Jeans

Favorite Quote: “I like your nurse’s uniform, guy.” “These are O.R. scrubs.” “Oh, are they?”

Favorite Scene: When Blume hands Rosemary Max’s letter and then runs away

Favorite Character: Herman Blume

Other need-to-see nineties movies directed by Wes Anderson: Bottle Rocket

“She’s my Rushmore, Max.” A great quote and a great conversation starter. But more on that later. Rushmore is probably a movie that you either love or hate. There are characters that you probably love: Rosemary, the teacher that enjoys aquariums and carrots, and Margaret Yang, the girl who is right in front of you the whole time. There are characters that you probably don’t love: Max Fischer, the boy who enjoys whiskey sours and hand-jobs from Mrs. Calloway, and Herman Blume, the millionaire who was in the shit during Vietnam. Herman Blume was my favorite because it is Bill Murray, and Herman does many small things throughout the movie that if you are paying attention are hilarious.

The first time I heard my favorite quote from the movie I am sure I laughed out loud, and 20 years later it still makes me laugh. It is during the dinner scene with Max, Herman, Rosemary, and Dr. Peter Flynn. Max obviously hates Peter, so the sarcastic “I like your nurse’s uniform, guy.” “These are O.R. scrubs.” “Oh, are they?” is so uncomfortably awesome that it has to be everyone’s favorite. That was almost my favorite scene too, but like I said earlier, Herman has some simple actions that add up to him being my favorite and when he hands Rosemary Max’s letter and runs away it gets me every time.

Max is really into writing/acting in plays, from Serpico to Heaven and Hell. Me, it’s basketball. Which brings me back to the “She’s my Rushmore, Max” quote. What is my Rushmore? And by that, I mean which four basketball players would I choose as the best I have ever seen? The first three are easy: Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, and Michael Jordan. The fourth took some thought. I ruled out anyone I never saw play, like Wilt Chamberlain or Bill Russell, anyone I saw play but when they were old and not in their prime, like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar or Julius Erving, and anyone that I saw play in their prime but after I stopped caring about pro basketball, like LeBron James or Kobe Bryant. That left two choices: Shaquille O’Neal and Hakeem Olajuwon. In 1995 (when I was still watching and still caring), Hakeem beat Shaq in the NBA Finals, so I give Hakeem the edge . . . and there is my Rushmore.

Next movie to review: The Matrix

Frank's Theme

There’s Something About Mary (1998)

Rating: R

Runtime: 119 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 256 million (approximately)

Characters: Mary Jensen, Ted Stroehmann, Pat Healy, Warren Jensen, Tucker/Norm, Dom Woganowski, Magda, Sully, Brenda, Joanie, Lisa, Charlie, Sheila Jensen, Puffy, Brett Favre, The Hitchhiker, Jonathan Richman

Favreite Quote: “Seven chipmunks twirling on a branch, eating lots of sunflowers on my uncle’s ranch. You know that old children’s tale from the sea.”

Favreite Scene: Ted and the hitchhiker in the car

Favreite Character: The Hitchhiker

Other need-to-see nineties movies directed by the Farrelly Brothers: Dumb and Dumber

A modern love story . . . with Jonathan Richman from the Modern Lovers!! Everyone fell for Mary in this movie, and everyone fell for Cameron Diaz in real life. I mean, how could you not: Mary liked beer, played golf, and enjoyed her vibrator. But she wasn’t my favorite character. Everyone was always fuckin’ with Ted and some of his best friends didn’t know his name, Woogie went to Borington High, but my favorite is the hitchhiker. He has the best lines: “It’s like you’re dreaming about gorgonzola cheese when it’s clearly brie time, baby”, “Step into my office . . . cause you’re fuckin’ fired”, and my favorite, “Seven chipmunks twirling on a branch, eating lots of sunflowers on my uncle’s ranch. You know that old children’s tale from the sea.” Some other really good lines that everyone was saying for a while were “Have you seen my baseball?” and “Franks and beans!”.

There were many scenes that everyone was talking about after seeing the movie: that time Ted got the beans above the frank (ouch), the jizz-hair gel scene (for obvious reasons), and the Puffy and Ted fight scene (which I think went on a bit too long). My favorite scene is Ted and the hitchhiker in Ted’s car. Mostly because it had all of my favorite lines from the movie, and because it was so uncomfortable, and you know that Harland Williams (the hitchhiker) was making it all up as he went.

I am sure there will be people out there who will argue that I should have picked Dumb and Dumber as my Farrelly brothers must-see movie from the nineties, but this movie has some valuable lessons that we should be aware of in our everyday life: they don’t make movies like Harold and Maude anymore, the girl you like is probably a Niners fan, and you should always jerk off before a big date . . . just make sure you clean up after.

Next movie to review: Rushmore

How's It Gonna End

The Truman Show (1998)

Rating: PG

Runtime: 103 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 182 million (approximately)

Characters: Truman Burbank, Christof, Meryl Burbank, Marlon, Lauren/Sylvia, Truman’s mom, Truman’s dad, Simeon

Favorite Quote: “Good afternoon, good evening, and good night.”

Favorite Scene: Truman stopping traffic

Favorite Character: Truman Burbank

Other need-to-see nineties movies directed by Peter Weir: none

The Super Bowl (I usually watch it for the commercials). M*A*S*H (I never watched it growing up but it has now become my nightly routine). Roots (I have never watched it). These are/were the real-life things on television that are/were the most watched yearly; but The Truman Show (the tv show in the movie) was watched by millions daily . . . for thirty years!! Truman (the star of the show) is afraid of dogs, flying, and water. Meryl (Truman’s wife) loves her fashion magazines. Marlon (Truman’s best friend) drinks beer and stocks vending machines). Christof is the creator of the show, Simeon is Christof’s second in command, and Lauren/Sylvia is the girl Truman first falls in love with only to be removed from the show after trying to tell Truman the truth about his life. Truman is my favorite character, but Lauren/Sylvia is a close second.

There are a couple of quotes that I really liked from the movie that fell just short of my favorite: “We accept the reality of the world with which we are presented.” is smart, and “Cue the sun.” is funny. But my favorite is “Good afternoon, good evening, and good night.” because every show needs a good catch phrase and it seems so genuine coming from Truman. I have always loved the scene were Truman begins to realize that something isn’t quite right about the world around him and stops traffic while he is crossing the street. The music score is so powerful. The F-you to Christof delivered by Truman at the end is also amazing.

I have always wondered what became of Truman after he left “the show”. It’s obvious that he would find Sylvia, but then what?? Would he have kids?? Where would he work?? Would he ever hit golf balls off a bridge with Marlon again?? Hopefully he would live a quiet life (which would be hard to do because everyone knows who you are) while watching his favorite television show (I picture him being a Seinfeld fan) . . . because the show is about, well, nothing.

Next movie to review: There’s Something About Mary

Jesus Gonna Be Here

The Big Lebowski (1998)

Rating: R

Runtime: 117 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 25 million (approximately)

Characters: The Dude, Walter Sobchak, Donny, Maude Lebowski, Brandt, Jeffrey “Big” Lebowski, Bunny Lebowski, Jesus Quintana, Jackie Treehorn, Da Fino, Marty, Smokey, Larry, The Stranger

Favorite Quote: “Hey, careful man, there’s a beverage here.”

Favorite Scene: “Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In)” dream sequence

Favorite Character: Walter Sobchak

Other need-to-see nineties movies directed by the Coen Brothers: Fargo (also on Salty Chewbacca’s Necessary Nineties list!!)

Finally, the debate can begin. This is the second of the Coen Brothers movies on my list (Fargo being the other). How does Salty feel about this movie?? I had better be careful, because I know a lot of people who love this movie. Everybody wants to be The Dude, and, well, why wouldn’t you?? He wears a robe, he’s in a bowling league, drinks white Russians, loves Creedence, hates the Eagles, and owns a rug that really ties the room together. He also lives in a world with several fantastic characters: Donny always has something to say, Maude wants to have his baby, Bunny will suck your cock for $1,000.00, and Jesus licks his balls. But my favorite is Walter Sobchak. He’s a bit racist, but he don’t roll on Shabbos, so you have to respect that.

Speaking of being racist, the language is off the charts. When trying to choose a favorite quote, I had to sort through some stuff that is “not safe for the younger Salty fans”. Even though they get a good laugh, and are probably quoted often, “The Chinaman is not the issue”, “Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature”, “Shut the fuck up, Donny”, “This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass”, and “Well, I still jerk off manually” did not make the cut. I almost went with “You’re out of your element”, but since The Dude always seems to be drinking, “Hey, careful man, there’s a beverage here” just makes the most sense to me. Not surprising, my favorite scene is the “Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In)” dream sequence. What is surprising is that it’s freakin’ Kenny Rogers!!

So, which movie does Salty like better?? I am not going to reveal my answer, because the two may be matched up in my nineties movie bracket tournament at some point. Instead, I am going to hit up the In-N-Out Burger next to Larry, and queue up “Logjammin’” in the DVD player ... because The Dude abides.

Next movie to review: The Truman Show