Jesus Gonna Be Here

The Big Lebowski (1998)

Rating: R

Runtime: 117 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 25 million (approximately)

Characters: The Dude, Walter Sobchak, Donny, Maude Lebowski, Brandt, Jeffrey “Big” Lebowski, Bunny Lebowski, Jesus Quintana, Jackie Treehorn, Da Fino, Marty, Smokey, Larry, The Stranger

Favorite Quote: “Hey, careful man, there’s a beverage here.”

Favorite Scene: “Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In)” dream sequence

Favorite Character: Walter Sobchak

Other need-to-see nineties movies directed by the Coen Brothers: Fargo (also on Salty Chewbacca’s Necessary Nineties list!!)

Finally, the debate can begin. This is the second of the Coen Brothers movies on my list (Fargo being the other). How does Salty feel about this movie?? I had better be careful, because I know a lot of people who love this movie. Everybody wants to be The Dude, and, well, why wouldn’t you?? He wears a robe, he’s in a bowling league, drinks white Russians, loves Creedence, hates the Eagles, and owns a rug that really ties the room together. He also lives in a world with several fantastic characters: Donny always has something to say, Maude wants to have his baby, Bunny will suck your cock for $1,000.00, and Jesus licks his balls. But my favorite is Walter Sobchak. He’s a bit racist, but he don’t roll on Shabbos, so you have to respect that.

Speaking of being racist, the language is off the charts. When trying to choose a favorite quote, I had to sort through some stuff that is “not safe for the younger Salty fans”. Even though they get a good laugh, and are probably quoted often, “The Chinaman is not the issue”, “Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature”, “Shut the fuck up, Donny”, “This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass”, and “Well, I still jerk off manually” did not make the cut. I almost went with “You’re out of your element”, but since The Dude always seems to be drinking, “Hey, careful man, there’s a beverage here” just makes the most sense to me. Not surprising, my favorite scene is the “Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In)” dream sequence. What is surprising is that it’s freakin’ Kenny Rogers!!

So, which movie does Salty like better?? I am not going to reveal my answer, because the two may be matched up in my nineties movie bracket tournament at some point. Instead, I am going to hit up the In-N-Out Burger next to Larry, and queue up “Logjammin’” in the DVD player ... because The Dude abides.

Next movie to review: The Truman Show

Bad Liver And A Broken Heart

Good Will Hunting (1997)

Rating: R

Runtime: 126 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 205 million (approximately)

Characters: Will Hunting, Sean McGuire, Chuckie Sullivan, Skylar, Professor Gerald Lambeau, Morgan O’Mally, Billy McBride, Tom

Favorite Quote: “Do you like apples?”

Favorite Scene: Chuckie’s “the best part of my day” speech

Favorite Character: Sean McGuire

Other need-to-see nineties movies directed by Gus Van Sant: none

I grew up (and currently live) about 10 minutes from Dartmouth College, so I find it hilarious that Harvard University (where this movie “took place”) seems so much more prestigious than its Ivy League counterpart. But don’t get me started on my hatred for the Big Green. This movie reminds me of my times hanging out with my friends in the late nineties; wanting to “fuck up some smart kids”, wearing an “I hate L.A.” shirt, and eating a bunch of caramels. I think the main characters from the movie are ones you either love or hate. Will, Chuckie, Morgan, and Billy swear and drink a lot but they are always there for each other. Professor Lambeau and Tom are just looking out for themselves, and doing equations and shit. It was a toss-up for favorite character: Skylar was the perfect girl, funny and goofy, but I went with Sean. He taught me to always choose love over sports . . . unless you know history is going to happen at Fenway.

There was a lot of great dialogue throughout the movie, even if you didn’t include all the uses of the word fuck. “My boy’s wicked smart”, “Keep your ear to the grindstone” are funny; “I gotta see about a girl”, “It’s not your fault” are classics. But everyone remembers (my favorite) “Do you like apples?” My favorite scene is when Chuckie basically tells Will, “I love you, but get the fuck out of Boston.” It is what all best friends should say to each other.

What most people will remember about this movie is Robin Williams’ Oscar-winning performance, and Matt Damon/Ben Affleck winning the Oscar for best screenplay. But what I think people shouldn’t forget is the amazing music from the film, especially Elliott Smith’s “Miss Misery”. It should have won the Oscar for best song over Celine Dion’s Titanic theme “My Heart Will Go On”. But Titanic won every award in 1997. Side note: thanks to Skylar for giving me my 2019 March Madness Tournament Challenge bracket name . . . Hook-Hook Dunk-Dunk!!

Next movie to review: The Big Lebowski

Let Me Get Up On It

Boogie Nights (1997)

Rating: R

Runtime: 155 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 39 million (approximately)

Characters: Dirk Diggler, Jack Horner, Amber Waves, Rollergirl, Reed Rothchild, Becky Barnett, Buck Swope, Jessie St. Vincent, Johnny Doe, Kurt Longjohn, “Little” Bill Thompson, Scotty J, Todd Parker, The Colonel, Floyd Gondolli, Jerome, “Little” Bill’s wife, Maurice Rodriguez, Rahad Jackson, Sheryl Lynn

Favorite Quote: “My fucking wife has an ass in her cock in the driveway, Kurt.”

Favorite Scene: Buck’s Super Cool Stereo Store commercial

Favorite Character: Buck Swope

Other need-to-see nineties movies directed by Paul Thomas Anderson: Magnolia

This movie is definitely not for the younger Salty Chewbacca fans. I probably shouldn’t even be allowed to watch this movie. Sex ... check. Drugs ... check. Rock ‘n’ Roll ... check. More sex ... check. We will get to the rock ‘n’ roll later ... let’s start with the sex. Dirk Diggler is the new guy with the big dick. Jack Horner (the porn movie director) sees something special in Dirk and then sees Dirk inside of his porn-star wife, Amber Waves. There are many other characters in this movie that you get to know, because hey, someone’s got to hold the boom mic and write the script. Rollergirl is hot, Reed Rothchild is funny, “Little” Bill is depressing, and Scotty J is horny for Dirk. Buck Swope is my favorite. He is into dressing like a cowboy and stereo equipment. It isn’t until he ditches the Western look for a B-Boy Stance (my favorite scene) that he finally gets what he deserves.

There is a lot of great dialogue in the movie (seriously, I watched it for the dialogue). The best line in the movie is one I am not sure if it was done intentionally or not. “Little” Bill is talking to Kurt Longjohn at one of Jack’s cocaine and margarita parties when he sees his wife having sex (again) with another man. He seems distracted and says, “My fucking wife has an ass in her cock in the driveway, Kurt.” Was it scripted that way, or does he say the line wrong but it’s so funny that they kept it in?? Either way, it’s hilarious.

The only thing I enjoyed more than the porn-movie-inside-a-porn-movie characters Brock Landers and Chest Rockwell is the soundtrack. “Sister Christian” (one of the top 25 hair band songs ever), “Jessie’s Girl” (one of the top 25 ’80s songs ever), and “99 Luftballons” (my favorite song ever). It made me want to go down the sugar tree and see lots of bees, if you know what I mean.

Next movie to review: Good Will Hunting

We're All Mad Here

Scream (1996)

Rating: R

Runtime: 111 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 156 million (approximately)

Characters: Sidney Prescott, Billy Loomis, Stu Macher, Randy Meeks, Tatum Riley, Dewey Riley, Gale Weathers, Kenny, Principal Himbry, Sheriff Burke, Neil Prescott, Casey Becker, Steve Orth, Fred the Janitor

Favorite Quote: “Do you like scary movies?”

Favorite Scene: the opening thirteen minutes with Casey Becker

Favorite Character: Sidney Prescott

Other need-to-see nineties movies directed by Wes Craven: none

I used to work in a video store, and the night before the new releases were to come out, I was in charge of rearranging the store after we closed. It would take me about two hours (alphabetizing and making sure it was perfect) and to make sure I was on schedule I used to play this movie while I did it. As long as I was to a certain part of the store during a certain scene I knew I was doing ok. So I know this movie pretty much word for word. I’ll never forget the classic lines like “fuck rag”, “goon fuck”, and “liver alone”. There are so many characters in this movie, though some of them don’t make it all the way to the end. Everyone probably has a different favorite: Billy the boyfriend, Stu the boyfriend of the best friend, Randy the movie nerd, Tatum the best friend, Dewey the deputy, or even Fred the janitor. Mine is Sidney. I always had a thing for her.

This movie really changed the rules for horror movies. Wait, you don’t know the rules?!?! The three rules to surviving a horror movie: never have sex, never drink or do drugs, and never say “I’ll be right back”. The opening thirteen minutes of this movie (my favorite scene) are about as perfect a beginning as you will ever see. The phone rings, the killer asks Casey Becker “Do you like scary movies?” (my favorite quote), craziness ensues, and (spoiler alert) somebody dies. The remaining 98 minutes are filled with sex, alcohol, and a few more somebodies die. Oh, and “Red Right Hand” by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds was a great addition to the soundtrack. It fits this movie better than Tatum does through a pet door.

This movie was a big hit and the horror genre was popular again with the younger crowd. Sequels of Halloween, and Nightmare on Elm Street were dying at the box office; but cool movies like I Know What You Did Last Summer, and Urban Legend quickly followed the success of Scream. Scream 2 (1997) and Scream 3 (2000) would complete the trilogy because like my buddy Stu always said “You gotta have a sequel!!”

Next movie to review: Boogie Nights

I Hope That I Don't Fall In Love With You

Jerry Maguire (1996)

Rating: R

Runtime: 138 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 232 million (approximately)

Characters: Jerry Maguire, Dorothy Boyd, Rod Tidwell, Ray Boyd, Laurel Boyd, Marcee Tidwell, Teepee Tidwell, Tyson Tidwell, Avery Bishop, Frank Cushman, Matt Cushman, Bob Sugar, Chad

Favorite Quote: “Show me the money.”

Favorite Scene: The “Secret Garden” montage

Favorite Character: Dorothy Boyd

Other need-to-see nineties movies directed by Cameron Crowe: none

There are lots of nineties pop-culture references (Hootie and the Blowfish, Clarence Thomas, and Tom Cruise’s sweet Charles Barkley vs. Shawn Kemp t-shirt) and lots of popular nineties catch phrases (we will get to those). So where do I start?? Sure, Tom Cruise was/is the most popular actor of his time, and Cuba Gooding Jr. won the Best Supporting Actor Oscar; but to me, this is Renee’s movie. In the words of Jerry Maguire describing Dorothy Boyd before their date: “That’s not a dress. That’s an Audrey Hepburn movie.” Everyone loved Jerry, rooted for Rod Tidwell, thought Ray Boyd was cute, and hated Bob Sugar. Right from the beginning I knew that Dorothy would be my favorite character from the film.

I would have to do some research, but this movie has to be the movie with the most “top quotes from a movie” ever. In 1996-97 you couldn’t go anywhere without hearing someone say “You complete me”, “You had me at hello”, or “Shoplift the pootie”. But my favorite is “Show me the money”. Deciding on favorite scene was a little more difficult. I can’t be driving in my car and hear Tom Petty’s “Free Fallin’” without turning it up and singing it badly just like Jerry. But the scene that does it for me is the “Secret Garden” montage where Jerry and Dorothy are going out on their first date. Side note: “Secret Garden” is a terrible song if you listen to it closely. “She’ll let you in her mouth if the words you say are right.” Ewwww ...

When this movie was released on VHS, it became the highest selling non-Disney tape of all time. I remember reading an article about people going to any thrift store/yard sale or any place that was selling used VHS tapes, and there was always at least one copy of Jerry Maguire. It makes sense. This movie had something for everyone. Romance and sports. Language and nudity. And Jonathan “do you know the human head weighs eight pounds” Lipnicki.

Next movie to review: Scream

Cold Cold Ground

Fargo (1996)

Rating: R

Runtime: 98 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 37 million (approximately)

Characters: Marge Gunderson, Jerry Lundegaard, Carl Showalter, Gaear Grimsrud, Wade Gustafson, Jean Lundegaard, Scotty Lundegaard, Stan Grossman, Norm Gunderson, Shep Proudfoot, Mike Yanagita, Lou

Favorite Quote: “You know it’s a Radisson, so it’s pretty good.”

Favorite Scene: Marge and Mike at the Radisson

Favorite Character: Marge Gunderson

Other need-to-see nineties movies directed by the Coen brothers: The Big Lebowski (also on Salty Chewbacca’s Necessary Nineties list!!)

This is the first of two Coen Brothers movies to be reviewed for my blog. You will have to wait for bowling and White Russians; this movie has Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox. Oh, and lots of sex and violence. It will make you say “Oh jeez!” My favorite character, Marge Gunderson, is the hero of the movie. She is a police chief, is pregnant, and has a sweet husband Norm who feeds her eggs and Arby’s. Jerry Lundegaard is the villain. Carl and Gaear are the bad guys helping Jerry. Everyone else (Wade, Jean, Scotty, Stan) is caught in the middle. Oh, and let’s not forget Mike Yanagita. He’s got a crush on Marge and delivers my favorite line from the movie: “You know it’s a Radisson, so it’s pretty good”.

Speaking of Mike and Marge, they are in my favorite scene. I know everyone always talks about the woodchipper scene, but when Mike is trying to get with Marge over dinner, you just can’t look away. It’s so uncomfortable. Imagine a 30-minute episode of Frasier or The Office all crammed into 5 minutes. Side note: there have been times when I have been watching those two shows with my girlfriend and she either makes me turn down the volume or turn the channel or she has to leave the room. Oh, and I am pretty sure that if I had been on dates growing up they would have been just as uncomfortable. Good thing I never have to worry about that; thanks, Rebecca!!

I am pretty excited to watch The Big Lebowski again after watching this (only 5 movies away!). I hadn’t seen Fargo in over 20 years, and I have only seen Lebowski twice. It should be really interesting to compare the two; I think that there are going to be a lot of similarities/differences, and it will be cool to talk to/hear from people to see which one they prefer. Funny, my favorite Coen Brothers movie is neither of these: it’s The Hudsucker Proxy. Goooo Eagles!!!!

Next movie to review: Jerry Maguire

I Don't Wanna Grow Up

Toy Story (1995)

Rating: G

Runtime: 81 Minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 299 million (approximately)

Characters: Woody, Buzz Lightyear, Bo Peep, Hamm, Mr. Potato Head, Rex, Slinky, Sergeant, Mr. Shark, Squeeze Toy Aliens, Andy, Mrs. Davis, Molly, Sid, Hannah, Scud, Sid’s toys

Favorite Quote: “Look, I’m Woody! Howdy, howdy, howdy!”

Favorite Scene: When the toys get their revenge on Sid

Favorite Character: Rex

Other need-to-see nineties movies directed by John Lasseter: Toy Story 2

It’s the first animated movie to review on my nineties list!! Ironically, it’s the first feature-length computer-animated movie ever. They really took this movie “to infinity ... and beyond!” Yeah, I went there. Speaking of going there, I would like to go to Pizza Planet. It’s the Golf n’ Stuff of its time. Side note: if you get that reference, you win a prize. There are lots of cool characters in this movie. Woody (Andy’s favorite toy) who tells us to “Reach for the sky”, and “There’s a snake in my boot”, Buzz Lightbeer (I mean Lightyear) who is the new toy in town, supporting toys Bo Peep, Hamm, Mr. Potato Head, Slinky, Sergeant, and the Squeeze Toy Aliens. Rex is my favorite. He reminds me of myself: funny and hates confrontation.

Before I get to my favorite quote, I feel like I should mention the music. “You’ve Got a Friend in Me” is a classic. I made a 40-50 greatest Disney songs cd a few years ago, and this definitely would have made it on there if I was including Disney/Pixar songs. Side note: my favorite Disney song ever... ”I Won’t Say (I’m in Love)” from Hercules. Ok, back to Toy Story. Speaking of favorites: my favorite quote from the movie is “Look, I’m Woody! Howdy, howdy, howdy!” Mr. Shark is hilarious; he would have been my favorite character if he had been in the movie more. There were a lot of great scenes I could have chosen for favorite. I went dark, with the toys getting the best of Sid. Play nice!!

This movie was followed by two other extremely successful sequels. You could argue that any of the three are the best of the trilogy. Some could even argue it is the best trilogy ever. If I had to narrow it down to the four greatest trilogies ever (in no particular order): Star Wars (New Hope, Empire, Jedi), The Lord of the Rings, Toy Story, and the Before Trilogy (Sunrise, Sunset, Midnight). Why four?? ... three is not enough and five is too many. Feel free to argue with me and let me know your choices in the comments.

Next movie to review: Fargo