High Fievel

An American Tail (1986)

Rating: G

Runtime: 80 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 101 million (approximately)

Characters: Fievel Mousekewitz, Papa Mousekewitz, Mama Mousekewitz, Tanya Mousekewitz, Baby Mousekewitz, Henri, Tony Toponi, Bridget, Warren T. Rat, Digit, Tiger, Honest John, Gussie Mausheimer, Moe

Cool Stuff: Fievel’s hat

Cool Music: “Somewhere Out There”

Cool Quote: Fievel is cute, but he never says anything cool

Yay, an animated movie to review! The first 20 movies on my ’80s movie list were live action; this, after watching 52 Disney movies for my last blog tournament, and Space Jam for my first blog tournament ... so it’s nice to get back to some animation. Fievel Mousekewitz is pretty cute. He has big ears and cries for his Papa a lot. Toni Toponi is a street-tough mouse who helps Fievel (or Filly, as Tony calls him) look for his family. Warren T. Rat is the leader of the Mott Street Maulers (great name for a gang) and isn’t quite who he says he is.... The coolest thing in the movie, other than the song (we will get to that) is Fievel’s hat. It is obviously too big for his head, which makes him that much cuter. If only he didn’t misplace it all the time ... which worked out fine because it seemed to always find him.

Oh how I love the song “Somewhere Out There”. It is an ’80s love song at its finest. In the movie, Fievel and his sister Tanya sing this song “to each other” while staring at the moon, because you never know when the ones you love might be wishing on the same bright star or sleeping underneath the same big sky. Fievel says a lot of cute things in the movie, but there isn’t really a great quote from the movie. Though I did learn that there are no cats in America and to never say never.

So like I said, it is great to get back to an animated movie. Other than The Little Mermaid (last year’s Salty Chewbacca Cinderella Cinema Tournament Challenge champion), Disney movies from the ’80s were either okay (The Fox and the Hound, The Great Mouse Detective) or bad (The Black Cauldron, Oliver & Company). Don Bluth does have another animated movie that I will be watching/reviewing for my blog (The Land Before Time), so it will be interesting to see which one advances further in my bracket.

Next movie to review: Lethal Weapon

Space Invaders

Aliens (1986)

Rating: R

Runtime: 154 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 181 million (approximately)

Characters: Ellen Ripley, Rebecca “Newt” Jorden, Carter Burke, Bishop, Sergeant Apone, Private Crowe, Corporal Dietrich, Private Drake, Corporal Ferro, Private Frost, Lieutenant Gorman, Corporal Hicks, Private Hudson, Private Spunkmeyer, Private Vasquez, Private Wierzbowski, Jonesy the cat

Cool Stuff: Power loader

Cool Music: If by cool you mean really quiet, only to set you up to be scared, then all of it

Cool Quote: “Get away from her, you bitch!”

Wow. This movie is scary. Wow. Ellen Ripley is awesome. There are several characters in this movie to choose from to either love or hate, but Ripley is by far the easiest to love. Newt is a cute kid with a sweet catchphrase, and Jonesy is (I think) the first cat to play a major role that I have encountered on my list of movies. Burke is a jerk, Bishop is an android, Hudson is a baby, Vasquez is a bad-ass, and Spunkmeyer is just fun to say. As far as the aliens are concerned ... well, they are terrifying and gross. Good thing Ripley is there to take care of them for good ...?

The movie takes place in space, so there are lots of ships and vehicles that are cool, but the power loader is the coolest. Without giving anything away, I’ll let you in on a little secret about the power loader: it was made for a man, but easily operated by a woman. There was not any memorable music from the movie, but that is what made it great. It was there quietly hanging out in the background and then an alien would jump out to scare you!

The coolest quote is probably one you don’t want to say in front of the kids. Most of the “cool quotes” from my list of ’80s movies have been pretty harmless ... ”We came. We saw. We kicked its ass” is the only one so far that has had any bad language ... until now. Ripley’s “Get away from her, you bitch!” is a classic and is delivered during Ripley’s finest moment.

Again, this was a movie that I did not see until I was much older. Sadly, the first of the Alien movies I saw was Alien Resurrection. Don’t judge me! I love me some Winona Ryder. My girlfriend says she prefers Aliens to Alien. I say watch this movie mostly with the lights on ... mostly.

Next movie to review: An American Tail

I am the Goblin King!

Labyrinth (1986)

Rating: PG

Runtime: 101 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 27 million (approximately)

Characters: Sarah Williams, Jareth the Goblin King, Toby Williams, Hoggle, Ludo, Sir Didymus, The Wiseman, The Worm, The Door Knockers, Robert Williams, Irene Williams, Merlin the dog, Owl

Cool Stuff: David Bowie’s junk

Cool Music: Every sweet song out of David Bowie’s mouth

Cool Quote: “You have no power over me!”

Before I get talking about David Bowie’s crystal balls, I have to say, of the movies on my list that I hadn’t seen (there were four of them), this is the one I looked forward to the most. People have been trying to get me to watch this for years. I wish I had seen it sooner. I think 12-year-old Jeff would have loved this movie. Sarah Williams is the first leading lady hero of the movies I have watched and reviewed. She is great, and has to deal with a crying brother (Toby), an inattentive father and step-mother (Robert and Irene), a friend/back-stabber (Hoggle), another friend that is always complaining about the smell (Ludo), and a David Bowie (Jareth the Goblin King) ... who is perfectly cast. Nobody else could be Jareth.

My girlfriend Rebecca (and many others) had given me a heads up that Jareth’s man region was a thing of beauty ... and, well, it was/is the coolest stuff in the movie. There were three great songs by David Bowie (“As the World Falls Down”, “Magic Dance”, and “Underground”).... I don’t know which one is the best. Give me some time and I might have an answer. The coolest quote from the movie is one Sarah almost forgets, but then breaks Jareth’s spell by yelling: “You have no power over me!” ... though there is a lyric from one of the songs that everyone else seems to love but I can’t remember. I will stick it at the end of my review.

There are two cool/creepy scenes I really liked: the helping hands scene was like crowd surfing for goths, and the face-off on the stairs was basically a live action M.C. Escher painting. Oh, and the lyric that everyone loves is from the “Song That Never Ends” of its time: “You remind me of the babe. What babe? The babe with the power. What power? The power of voodoo. Who do? You do. Do what? Remind me of the babe.”

Next movie to review: Aliens

Somebody Save Me

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986)

Rating: PG-13

Runtime: 103 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 149 million (approximately)

Characters: Ferris Bueller, Cameron Frye, Sloane Peterson, Edward Rooney, Jeanie Bueller, Grace, Mr. Economics Teacher, Tom Bueller, Katie Bueller, Guy in police station

Cool Stuff: 1961 Ferrari GT 250 California Spyder

Cool Music: Ferris sings a lot, but no cool music from this movie

Cool Quote: “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

This is my friend Tonya’s favorite movie (I think).... I hope she likes my review. I am pretty sure she (and many other girls) had a crush on Ferris when they were younger. Which makes sense because girls always like bad boys with bad fashion sense. Ferris lies to his parents, skips school, borrows his best friend’s car (we will get back to that), gets his girlfriend out of class, says “Pardon my French” and swears a lot, pretends to be someone else to get a table at a restaurant, and then turns the Von Steuben Day Parade into a “Look at me, I’m a spoiled brat, listen to me sing ‘Danke Schoen’ and ‘Twist and Shout’” show. Why Cameron and Sloan would go along with him, I will never understand. Rooney and Grace are a funny duo, and my favorite character has always been Ferris’ sister Jeanie.

Ok, back to the car. In this movie, we get a 1961 Ferrari GT 250 California Spyder (the car Cameron’s father loves more than his son). It is a great car, but sadly, driving it in reverse does not turn back the odometer. The three kids drive the car all around town and take in a Cubs game at Wrigley Field and view some art at the Art Institute of Chicago. Lots of classic lines are said in the movie, everyone loves the “Bueller? ... Bueller? ... Bueller? ... Bueller? ...”, but I like the “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it” quote ... and so did Barbara Bush.

One theme the movie tackles that I really liked was what it is like to have good/bad parents. One thing the movie does that I don’t really like is when characters break the fourth wall ... which Ferris does a lot. So there is my review, how do you like it Tangs? ... Tangs? ... Tangs? ... Tangs?

Next movie to review: Labyrinth

Ye intruders beware

The Goonies (1985)

Rating: PG

Runtime: 114 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 133 million (approximately)

Characters: Mikey, Chunk, Data, Mouth, Brand, Andy, Stef, Sloth, Mama Fratelli, Francis Fratelli, Jake Fratelli, “One-Eyed” Willy, Chester Copperpot, Troy, Mr. Walsh, Mrs. Walsh, Rosalita

Cool Stuff: treasure map, 1632 doubloon, copper bones key

Cool Music: “The Goonies ‘R’ Good Enough”

Cool Quote: “Goonies never say die!”

The 1985 Bears had “The Super Bowl Shuffle”; Chunk had “The Truffle Shuffle”. I think we all know which one was better. For a PG movie, it definitely had its share of the word “shit”, and I am pretty sure I could come up with several “booby traps” or “One-Eyed Willy” jokes. But I would rather focus on the movie and its ability to combine comedy, adventure, romance, and horror. Mikey, Chunk, Data, and Mouth get together for one last Goonie adventure to find the rich stuff and save their town. The great thing about this foursome is that they represent the small/chubby/nerd/punk kid in all of us when we were young. Sprinkle in a cool older brother (Brand), a pretty cheerleader (Andy), a dorky best friend (Stef), and a misunderstood superhero (Sloth), and you have got an unstoppable band of treasure hunters.

I think we all had a “treasure map” when we were kids and probably our own version of a “1632 doubloon” or a “copper bones key”. Unfortunately, none of them led to chests of gold and jewels. For the Goonies, they used their map/doubloon/key to find One-Eyed Willy’s pirate ship (really cool) and solve the mystery of the skeleton organ (really scary). Cyndi Lauper sings the classic song “The Goonies ‘R’ Good Enough”, which is still fun to listen to today. I saw her in concert and was sad that she didn’t sing the song ... she started to but then switched to another song after about 10 seconds. There are many memorable lines from the movie but “Goonies never say die!” is the one that I would bet many people say at least once every day.

Mikey’s “our time down here” speech is moving ... definitely deserving of a Rudy slow clap. (See what I did there?) So grab a Baby Ruth or some Rocky Road and reminisce about the time Andy kissed Mikey and then turned around and kissed Brand. Classic Andy! Speaking of Andy, I have a friend named Andy that has never seen this movie. I challenge him to see this movie before the end of the year!!!

Next movie to review: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Saturday. March 24th. 1984.

The Breakfast Club (1985)

Rating: R

Runtime: 97 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 100 million (approximately)

Characters: Claire Standish, Brian Johnson, Andrew Clarke, John Bender, Allison Reynolds, Richard Vernon, Carl Reed

Cool Stuff: Allison’s Cap’n Crunch and Pixy Stix sandwich

Cool Music: “Don’t You (Forget About Me)”

Cool Quote: “Don’t mess with the bull young man, you’ll get the horns.”

When I was a senior in high school, I had to write a two-page paper about which of the five main Breakfast Club characters I most resembled. I will keep you in suspense and reveal my choice at the end of my review. They are all good/bad in their own way: Claire (the princess) is pretty but unfriendly, Brian (the brain) is nice but troubled, Andrew (the athlete) is popular but easily influenced, John (the criminal) is tough but a jerk, and Allison (the basket case) cool but a liar. Richard Vernon (the assistant principal) sees people as he wants to see them and is not a good guy. Carl (the janitor) is the eyes and ears of the school and is a good guy.

The coolest parts of the movie are the dialogue, so I had a little trouble choosing the coolest thing ... until I realized the obvious choice was Allison’s Cap’n Crunch and Pixy Stix sandwich. I have to admit I have never tried it, but I will one of these days. The movie has one of the most memorable end scenes (Bender’s fist in the air) and is accompanied by one of the most iconic ’80s songs “Don’t You (Forget About Me)”. Coolest quote was tough: “Uh, what ruckus? ... Could you describe the ruckus, sir?” is funny; “When you grow up, your heart dies,” is sad; Bender’s joke about a naked blonde, a poodle, and a salami could have been a classic if it had a punchline. Dick’s “Don’t mess with the bull young man; you’ll get the horns,” is the clear winner.

The movie tackles many issues: alcohol, bullying, drugs, fashion, money, parents, sex, and suicide. The biggest question, which is never answered, is do they remain friends/lovers on Monday morning? (I say yes, initially, but after a while they will revert back to their own ways.) I always felt bad for Brian: everyone else got the girl/guy.... He got to write the paper.

Speaking of papers ... I wrote a ten-page paper explaining how I resembled all five characters. Pretty sure that blew my English teacher’s mind.

Next movie to review: The Goonies