I'm going to Disney World!

National Lampoon’s Vacation (1983)

Rating: R

Runtime: 98 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 144 million (approximately)

Characters: Clark Griswold, Ellen Griswold, Rusty Griswold, Audrey Griswold, Cousin Eddie, Cousin Catherine, Aunt Edna, Cousin Vicki, Cousin Dale, Russ Lasky, Girl in the Red Ferrari

Cool Stuff: The Wagon Queen Family Truckster

Cool Music: “Holiday Road”

Cool Quote: some funny lines but no one standout quote

Pack it up, pack it in, the Griswold family vacation review is about to begin! I think I have only seen this movie twice in its entirety (including this time). I am pretty sure teenage Salty loved it because of a practically naked Christie Brinkley and a foul-mouthed Chevy Chase. Adult Salty was a little confused this time around. I found it funny, but at the same time I wasn’t sure why. Clark Griswold made me laugh, but the jokes I found amusing 25 years ago were not so amusing 25 years later. Russ Lasky was great, but he was only in it at the end. I had to stop the movie and look closely when cousin Vicki appeared.... Yes, that’s Jane Krakowski! Smoking weed and French kissing at age 15.

I see a theme developing in the “cool stuff” category: modes of transportation. The Millennium Falcon from Empire and Jedi, the Bluesmobile from The Blues Brothers, and the 1979 Chevrolet Camaro Z28 from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. In this movie, it is the Wagon Queen Family Truckster. It is an absolutely awful car, which makes it awesome at the same time. I had a terrible car as a teenager (1986 sky blue Plymouth Duster), and at no time was it awesome. I would have traded it for the Family Truckster in a second. In the cool music category, we get a classic in “Holiday Road”. It is used in most of the Vacation sequels as well ... which is a funny because the Griswold kids are different in most of the sequels.

I think most of the time I was watching the movie I was thinking about going to Walley World ... I mean Disney World. When my girlfriend and I have gone, we have always driven from New Hampshire to Florida. I hate flying, but I also find the trip in the car part of the adventure. We have not been in a few years, but I am sure one day we will return to that magical place ... and someday we will go cross-country to Disneyland!

Next movie to review: The NeverEnding Story

Give me back my son!

Return of the Jedi (1983)

Rating: PG

Runtime: 132 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 591 million (approximately)

Characters: Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, Han Solo, Chewbacca, C-3PO, R2-D2, Yoda, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Lando Calrissian, Ewoks, Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine, Jabba the Hutt, Boba Fett, Stormtroopers, Red Guards

Cool Stuff: AT-AT Walkers, Lightsabers, Millennium Falcon, 74-Z Speeder Bikes

Cool Music: Opening Theme, Darth Vader’s Theme

Cool Quote: “There is another Skywalker.”

So this is the movie that my girlfriend Rebecca has seen the most times in her life. Not because she loved it, but she had it on VHS a long time before she got Star Wars or The Empire Strikes Back. Once she got those, Return of the Jedi was never to be seen again. Although I would agree that Jedi is the weakest of the trilogy, it has its fun moments. The gang is back for one last mission; Luke is now a Jedi, Leia wears a gold bikini (yaow!), Han is free from the carbonite, and Yoda joins Ben in Jedi heaven. A few new characters are introduced: a disgusting Jabba the Hutt (though his band is pretty awesome), and some annoying Ewoks.

The AT-AT Walkers are back with some new improvements, and Luke has a green lightsaber this time around to fight Vader and his red one. Their final battle is legendary. Lando controls the Millennium Falcon while Han is getting his mojo back, and the 74-Z speeder bikes are kind of cool. Oh, and the rancor and sarlacc are pretty cool, too. The familiar tunes are back as well; you really can’t go wrong with the opening theme and Darth Vader’s theme. They really get you fired up!

It was difficult to settle on a defining quote. We already know everyone has a “bad feeling about this”, and that Han and Leia “love” each other. And Yoda tells us in Empire that “there is another”, though we just don’t know who or what that is. So when Yoda reveals that “there is another Skywalker”, it automatically becomes the cool quote because we can then laugh about the fact that Luke made out with his sister Leia.

My favorite parts in the movie are witnessing Jedi Luke put his master plan into action. He is such a cocky bastard ... I love it! Oh, and here is a debate for you: who does Han love more ... Leia or the Millennium Falcon?

Next movie to review: National Lampoon’s Vacation

Jen is truly outrageous

The Dark Crystal (1982)

Rating: PG

Runtime: 93 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 98 million (approximately)

Characters: Jen, Kira, Aughra, Fizzgig, Chamberlain, General, Emperor, Master, Crystal Bats, Garthims, Landstriders, Podlings

Cool Stuff: the Dark Crystal

Cool Music: Jen plays the flute, but no cool music from this movie

Cool Quote: “Wings? I don’t have wings.” “Of course not. You’re a boy.”

This was probably the movie I went the most out of the way to put on the list. I had never seen it and I always wanted to. I didn’t know anything about it, which was good, so I could really be unbiased. I am glad I can finally cross it off my list. It was pretty dark for a family movie, and really weird. But I liked it; the battle between the Mystics and the Skeksis is like a fantasy version of the Bloods versus the Crips. Oh, and after watching this movie, I have decided that every argument should be resolved through trial by stone.

There were several characters, but only four had names ... which at times made things confusing. Jen was great. He plays the flute, finds the crystal shard, and dreamfasts with Kira, the girl next door. Kira is in touch with nature, has a cool pet named Fizzgig, and probably helps save the world more than Jen does. The Chamberlain was torn between bad and good, and made a weird mmm sound. The Garthims were creepy, and I felt really bad for the Landstriders. The Dark Crystal was purple and powerful, so I thought it was pretty cool. I bet Prince has spent a lot of time and money searching for this magical stone. Good luck, buddy. I hope you find it one day.

What was uncool was that there was not much music. I was expecting some fun songs and there were none. Jen should have been impressing Kira with his flute, but it never happened. One thing that kept happening were really long scenes of the Mystics just walking and not really explaining why ... until they show up at the great conjuring at the end.

Kira is a great female character, one of the better ones so far in the ’80s movies I’ve reviewed. She delivers the best quote of the movie, and it really made me laugh. She basically tells Jen that girls rule and boys drool.

Next movie to review: Return of the Jedi

Learn it. Know it. Live it.

Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)

Rating: R

Runtime: 90 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 65 million (approximately)

Characters: Brad Hamilton, Stacy Hamilton, Linda Barrett, Mark “Rat” Ratner, Mike Damone, Jeff Spicoli, Charles Jefferson, Arnold, Mr. Hand, Mr. Vargus, Ron Johnson

Cool Stuff: Jefferson’s car (1979 Chevrolet Camaro Z28)

Cool Music: Good soundtrack but no one stand out song

Cool Quote: “Hey bud, let’s party.”

Sex ... check. Drugs ... check. Rock and roll ... check. This movie has it all. I think one of the reasons I never saw this as a teenager is because I was not into any of those things at the time. This movie also has a lot of characters, hitting all the high school cliques: nerds, cheerleaders, stoners, and jocks. It even has a teacher you would like and one you wouldn’t like. I found most of the characters unlikeable (Damone, Arnold, Ron Johnson, to name a few). Jefferson was my favorite, mostly because he didn’t say much, but Brad was probably the one I was most like in school.

There were lots of classic songs in the movie: “American Girl”, “Kashmir”. Somebody’s Baby”, and “We Got the Beat” (my second favorite ’80s song ever). But none of them really stood out as a song you could say was the definitive song from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. As far as cool stuff is concerned, my friend Andy will appreciate my pointing out a car as the most awesome thing in the movie. Jefferson’s 1979 Chevrolet Camaro Z28 was the prize possession and even played a part in Ridgemont defeating Lincoln High in the big football game.

Probably the two most talked about things involving this movie are the Brad/Linda pool scene and Jeff Spicoli. Like I said before, I was not having sex or doing drugs in high school so after seeing the movie when I was in my late twenties, that scene and Spicoli didn’t really do anything for me. If I had seen it when I was 16 ... I would probably have appreciated the tasty waves and the cool buzz, if you know what I mean.

One thing I find funny about this movie is that even with all the young talent involved (Phoebe Cates, Anthony Edwards, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Sean Penn, Judge Reinhold, Eric Stoltz, and Forest Whitaker), people always bring up the fact that Nicolas Cage was in the movie for about 12 seconds.

Next movie to review: The Dark Crystal

Johnny Beeeee Goooood

E.T. (1982)

Rating: PG

Runtime: 115 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 866 million (approximately)

Characters: E.T., Elliott, Michael, Gertie, Mary, Greg, Steve, Tyler, Keys, Harvey, Science Class Girl

Cool Stuff: Reese’s Pieces, E.T.’s ship, E.T.’s flower

Cool Music: E.T. and Elliott flying theme

Cool Quote: “E.T. phone home.”

I am pretty sure this is the first VHS tape my brother Tod and I ever owned. We only had a handful by the time we got in our teens, so it’s safe to say I watched this several times as a kid. I have received mixed reviews as I have mentioned this being on my list of movies the past few months. I don’t understand the hate. E.T. is a bit scary at first but then you realize he is just as scared of you. He does all sorts of fun things throughout the movie: drink beer, dress in drag, and heal wounds.

Elliott is just a young kid trying to fit in. His dad isn’t at home, and he yells weird things like “penis breath!” But he turns out to be the hero after his science class rescue mission and he gets the girl. His brother Michael seems pretty cool and has a great trio of friends in Greg, Steve, and Tyler. His sister Gertie is a little annoying, but she’s also funny. Mary (his mom), does a great job holding the family together being a single mom and all and they have a cool dog named Harvey. There is a creepy guy named “Keys” who gets less creepy as the movie goes on.

I like candy, so Reese’s Pieces being such a big part of the movie is cool with me. E.T.’s ship appears to be a great flying machine, and the flower he keeps bringing back to life is an added treat. But the coolest thing in the movie is definitely the scene where E.T. and Elliott fly the bike in front of the moon. The music is fantastic and it is such a classic movie moment. E.T. picks up the English language pretty quickly thanks to Gertie, so his “E.T. phone home” wins cool quote, just edging out “I’ll be right here.”

I had an interesting thought watching the movie this time that somehow I never had before: I think E.T. had a plan all along to get back home, so I would say he totally Keyser Soze’d everyone by pretending to be dead to get the feds off his back.

Next movie to review: Fast Times at Ridgemont High