Somebody Save Me

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986)

Rating: PG-13

Runtime: 103 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 149 million (approximately)

Characters: Ferris Bueller, Cameron Frye, Sloane Peterson, Edward Rooney, Jeanie Bueller, Grace, Mr. Economics Teacher, Tom Bueller, Katie Bueller, Guy in police station

Cool Stuff: 1961 Ferrari GT 250 California Spyder

Cool Music: Ferris sings a lot, but no cool music from this movie

Cool Quote: “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

This is my friend Tonya’s favorite movie (I think).... I hope she likes my review. I am pretty sure she (and many other girls) had a crush on Ferris when they were younger. Which makes sense because girls always like bad boys with bad fashion sense. Ferris lies to his parents, skips school, borrows his best friend’s car (we will get back to that), gets his girlfriend out of class, says “Pardon my French” and swears a lot, pretends to be someone else to get a table at a restaurant, and then turns the Von Steuben Day Parade into a “Look at me, I’m a spoiled brat, listen to me sing ‘Danke Schoen’ and ‘Twist and Shout’” show. Why Cameron and Sloan would go along with him, I will never understand. Rooney and Grace are a funny duo, and my favorite character has always been Ferris’ sister Jeanie.

Ok, back to the car. In this movie, we get a 1961 Ferrari GT 250 California Spyder (the car Cameron’s father loves more than his son). It is a great car, but sadly, driving it in reverse does not turn back the odometer. The three kids drive the car all around town and take in a Cubs game at Wrigley Field and view some art at the Art Institute of Chicago. Lots of classic lines are said in the movie, everyone loves the “Bueller? ... Bueller? ... Bueller? ... Bueller? ...”, but I like the “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it” quote ... and so did Barbara Bush.

One theme the movie tackles that I really liked was what it is like to have good/bad parents. One thing the movie does that I don’t really like is when characters break the fourth wall ... which Ferris does a lot. So there is my review, how do you like it Tangs? ... Tangs? ... Tangs? ... Tangs?

Next movie to review: Labyrinth

Ye intruders beware

The Goonies (1985)

Rating: PG

Runtime: 114 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 133 million (approximately)

Characters: Mikey, Chunk, Data, Mouth, Brand, Andy, Stef, Sloth, Mama Fratelli, Francis Fratelli, Jake Fratelli, “One-Eyed” Willy, Chester Copperpot, Troy, Mr. Walsh, Mrs. Walsh, Rosalita

Cool Stuff: treasure map, 1632 doubloon, copper bones key

Cool Music: “The Goonies ‘R’ Good Enough”

Cool Quote: “Goonies never say die!”

The 1985 Bears had “The Super Bowl Shuffle”; Chunk had “The Truffle Shuffle”. I think we all know which one was better. For a PG movie, it definitely had its share of the word “shit”, and I am pretty sure I could come up with several “booby traps” or “One-Eyed Willy” jokes. But I would rather focus on the movie and its ability to combine comedy, adventure, romance, and horror. Mikey, Chunk, Data, and Mouth get together for one last Goonie adventure to find the rich stuff and save their town. The great thing about this foursome is that they represent the small/chubby/nerd/punk kid in all of us when we were young. Sprinkle in a cool older brother (Brand), a pretty cheerleader (Andy), a dorky best friend (Stef), and a misunderstood superhero (Sloth), and you have got an unstoppable band of treasure hunters.

I think we all had a “treasure map” when we were kids and probably our own version of a “1632 doubloon” or a “copper bones key”. Unfortunately, none of them led to chests of gold and jewels. For the Goonies, they used their map/doubloon/key to find One-Eyed Willy’s pirate ship (really cool) and solve the mystery of the skeleton organ (really scary). Cyndi Lauper sings the classic song “The Goonies ‘R’ Good Enough”, which is still fun to listen to today. I saw her in concert and was sad that she didn’t sing the song ... she started to but then switched to another song after about 10 seconds. There are many memorable lines from the movie but “Goonies never say die!” is the one that I would bet many people say at least once every day.

Mikey’s “our time down here” speech is moving ... definitely deserving of a Rudy slow clap. (See what I did there?) So grab a Baby Ruth or some Rocky Road and reminisce about the time Andy kissed Mikey and then turned around and kissed Brand. Classic Andy! Speaking of Andy, I have a friend named Andy that has never seen this movie. I challenge him to see this movie before the end of the year!!!

Next movie to review: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Saturday. March 24th. 1984.

The Breakfast Club (1985)

Rating: R

Runtime: 97 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 100 million (approximately)

Characters: Claire Standish, Brian Johnson, Andrew Clarke, John Bender, Allison Reynolds, Richard Vernon, Carl Reed

Cool Stuff: Allison’s Cap’n Crunch and Pixy Stix sandwich

Cool Music: “Don’t You (Forget About Me)”

Cool Quote: “Don’t mess with the bull young man, you’ll get the horns.”

When I was a senior in high school, I had to write a two-page paper about which of the five main Breakfast Club characters I most resembled. I will keep you in suspense and reveal my choice at the end of my review. They are all good/bad in their own way: Claire (the princess) is pretty but unfriendly, Brian (the brain) is nice but troubled, Andrew (the athlete) is popular but easily influenced, John (the criminal) is tough but a jerk, and Allison (the basket case) cool but a liar. Richard Vernon (the assistant principal) sees people as he wants to see them and is not a good guy. Carl (the janitor) is the eyes and ears of the school and is a good guy.

The coolest parts of the movie are the dialogue, so I had a little trouble choosing the coolest thing ... until I realized the obvious choice was Allison’s Cap’n Crunch and Pixy Stix sandwich. I have to admit I have never tried it, but I will one of these days. The movie has one of the most memorable end scenes (Bender’s fist in the air) and is accompanied by one of the most iconic ’80s songs “Don’t You (Forget About Me)”. Coolest quote was tough: “Uh, what ruckus? ... Could you describe the ruckus, sir?” is funny; “When you grow up, your heart dies,” is sad; Bender’s joke about a naked blonde, a poodle, and a salami could have been a classic if it had a punchline. Dick’s “Don’t mess with the bull young man; you’ll get the horns,” is the clear winner.

The movie tackles many issues: alcohol, bullying, drugs, fashion, money, parents, sex, and suicide. The biggest question, which is never answered, is do they remain friends/lovers on Monday morning? (I say yes, initially, but after a while they will revert back to their own ways.) I always felt bad for Brian: everyone else got the girl/guy.... He got to write the paper.

Speaking of papers ... I wrote a ten-page paper explaining how I resembled all five characters. Pretty sure that blew my English teacher’s mind.

Next movie to review: The Goonies

9021-0 fudge

Beverly Hills Cop (1984)

Rating: R

Runtime: 105 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 526 million (approximately)

Characters: Axel Foley, Detective Billy Rosewood, Sergeant John Taggart, Jenny Summers, Victor Maitland, Mikey Tandino, Serge, Chief Hubbard, Inspector Todd, Lieutenant Bogomil, Banana Man

Cool Stuff: Crappy Blue Chevy Nova

Cool Music: “Axel F”

Cool Quote: Axel Foley’s laugh

I think this movie is the leader (so far) from my list for having the most uses of the f-word. Well done Eddie Murphy! I never realized this movie was so financially successful. It is one of the top-grossing R-rated films of all time and trails only Titanic for weeks #1 at the box office. And it’s all because of Axel Foley. I can’t imagine anyone else playing the part. Eddie Murphy was perfect. He is surrounded by a solid cast of characters: Rosewood and Taggart are a funny duo, Jenny Summers is a reliable old friend, and Victor Maitland is an evil dude. Throw in an unintentionally funny Serge and a guy known only as the Banana Man and you have yourself 105 minutes of non-stop laughter.

This movie (like many of the other films on my list) has a cool car ... though a crappy blue Chevy Nova isn’t anything to brag about. The soundtrack to the film is pretty sweet, with the best song being the instrumental “Axel F”. I am pretty sure everyone was playing this on their synthesizer growing up. There were several funny lines in the movie, but for me none really stood out ... so I am going to say that Axel Foley’s laugh was the coolest quote. I am guessing everyone was trying to imitate the “Heh, heh, heh”, but the great thing about it, and the movie itself is that only one person was born to be Axel Foley: Eddie Murphy.

This movie is full of action and laughs from start to finish. So if you like your movies with car crashes at the beginning, a shootout at the end, and a “Get the fuck outta here!” and a banana in the tailpipe prank sprinkled in the middle, then you probably enjoyed every minute of it.

Side note: We are halfway through my list of 80s movies! Not officially (15 movies watched/reviewed, 17 to go), but the movies from 1980-1984 are finished and the movies from 1985-1989 remain. This is Salty’s blog so Salty makes the rules.

Next movie to review: The Breakfast Club

I’ll be back ... in seven years

The Terminator (1984)

Rating: R

Runtime: 107 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 86 million (approximately)

Characters: The Terminator, Sarah Connor, Kyle Reese, Lieutenant Ed Traxler, Sergeant Hal Vukovich, Dr. Peter Silberman, Ginger Ventura, Matt Buchanan

Cool Stuff: The Terminator

Cool Music: If you like Yamaha keyboard sounding music then all of it is cool

Cool Quote: “Come with me if you want to live.”

This is easily the most violent movie on my list so far. First, naked Terminator rips a punk’s heart out, there are lots of guns and lots of car/motorcycle/truck chases, future battles with sweet lasers, an uncomfortable love scene that doesn’t look fun for anyone involved, and a naked Kyle Reese steals a homeless man’s pants. Sarah Connor is the best female character I have reviewed in a while. She is smart, tough, and hot. Kyle Reese is also smart, tough, and hot. But I think the Terminator steals the show. He is a total bad ass and is almost unstoppable.

The music and the special effects are pretty bad ... but that is actually what makes them pretty awesome. In contrast to the Star Wars movies, this sci-fi movie is low budget and a little bit behind the times with technology. But things will get better for director James Cameron. And by better I mean he will direct two movies that had huge budgets, but secretly sucked.

I am almost positive that my choice for cool quote will require me to defend myself ... so here goes. “I’ll be back” is the one that gets all the glory. Personally I think the line is kind of awkward for the scene and doesn’t really work. Sure it becomes Arnold’s go-to line for future films, but it might be a little overplayed at this point. “Come with me if you want to live” is my pick. It works great for the scene ... and if I had seen this movie when I was younger I would have totally tried using it as a pick-up line at a party or at a bar. And like all of my other attempts, it probably would not have worked.

So for years I have been quoting the Terminator arcade game and it turns out, like in many other instances, I was wrong. But I don’t care. I will continue to give Linda Hamilton my sound advice: Sarah Connor ... LOOK OUT!

Next movie to review: Beverly Hills Cop