Saturday. March 24th. 1984.

The Breakfast Club (1985)

Rating: R

Runtime: 97 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 100 million (approximately)

Characters: Claire Standish, Brian Johnson, Andrew Clarke, John Bender, Allison Reynolds, Richard Vernon, Carl Reed

Cool Stuff: Allison’s Cap’n Crunch and Pixy Stix sandwich

Cool Music: “Don’t You (Forget About Me)”

Cool Quote: “Don’t mess with the bull young man, you’ll get the horns.”

When I was a senior in high school, I had to write a two-page paper about which of the five main Breakfast Club characters I most resembled. I will keep you in suspense and reveal my choice at the end of my review. They are all good/bad in their own way: Claire (the princess) is pretty but unfriendly, Brian (the brain) is nice but troubled, Andrew (the athlete) is popular but easily influenced, John (the criminal) is tough but a jerk, and Allison (the basket case) cool but a liar. Richard Vernon (the assistant principal) sees people as he wants to see them and is not a good guy. Carl (the janitor) is the eyes and ears of the school and is a good guy.

The coolest parts of the movie are the dialogue, so I had a little trouble choosing the coolest thing ... until I realized the obvious choice was Allison’s Cap’n Crunch and Pixy Stix sandwich. I have to admit I have never tried it, but I will one of these days. The movie has one of the most memorable end scenes (Bender’s fist in the air) and is accompanied by one of the most iconic ’80s songs “Don’t You (Forget About Me)”. Coolest quote was tough: “Uh, what ruckus? ... Could you describe the ruckus, sir?” is funny; “When you grow up, your heart dies,” is sad; Bender’s joke about a naked blonde, a poodle, and a salami could have been a classic if it had a punchline. Dick’s “Don’t mess with the bull young man; you’ll get the horns,” is the clear winner.

The movie tackles many issues: alcohol, bullying, drugs, fashion, money, parents, sex, and suicide. The biggest question, which is never answered, is do they remain friends/lovers on Monday morning? (I say yes, initially, but after a while they will revert back to their own ways.) I always felt bad for Brian: everyone else got the girl/guy.... He got to write the paper.

Speaking of papers ... I wrote a ten-page paper explaining how I resembled all five characters. Pretty sure that blew my English teacher’s mind.

Next movie to review: The Goonies

9021-0 fudge

Beverly Hills Cop (1984)

Rating: R

Runtime: 105 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 526 million (approximately)

Characters: Axel Foley, Detective Billy Rosewood, Sergeant John Taggart, Jenny Summers, Victor Maitland, Mikey Tandino, Serge, Chief Hubbard, Inspector Todd, Lieutenant Bogomil, Banana Man

Cool Stuff: Crappy Blue Chevy Nova

Cool Music: “Axel F”

Cool Quote: Axel Foley’s laugh

I think this movie is the leader (so far) from my list for having the most uses of the f-word. Well done Eddie Murphy! I never realized this movie was so financially successful. It is one of the top-grossing R-rated films of all time and trails only Titanic for weeks #1 at the box office. And it’s all because of Axel Foley. I can’t imagine anyone else playing the part. Eddie Murphy was perfect. He is surrounded by a solid cast of characters: Rosewood and Taggart are a funny duo, Jenny Summers is a reliable old friend, and Victor Maitland is an evil dude. Throw in an unintentionally funny Serge and a guy known only as the Banana Man and you have yourself 105 minutes of non-stop laughter.

This movie (like many of the other films on my list) has a cool car ... though a crappy blue Chevy Nova isn’t anything to brag about. The soundtrack to the film is pretty sweet, with the best song being the instrumental “Axel F”. I am pretty sure everyone was playing this on their synthesizer growing up. There were several funny lines in the movie, but for me none really stood out ... so I am going to say that Axel Foley’s laugh was the coolest quote. I am guessing everyone was trying to imitate the “Heh, heh, heh”, but the great thing about it, and the movie itself is that only one person was born to be Axel Foley: Eddie Murphy.

This movie is full of action and laughs from start to finish. So if you like your movies with car crashes at the beginning, a shootout at the end, and a “Get the fuck outta here!” and a banana in the tailpipe prank sprinkled in the middle, then you probably enjoyed every minute of it.

Side note: We are halfway through my list of 80s movies! Not officially (15 movies watched/reviewed, 17 to go), but the movies from 1980-1984 are finished and the movies from 1985-1989 remain. This is Salty’s blog so Salty makes the rules.

Next movie to review: The Breakfast Club

I’ll be back ... in seven years

The Terminator (1984)

Rating: R

Runtime: 107 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 86 million (approximately)

Characters: The Terminator, Sarah Connor, Kyle Reese, Lieutenant Ed Traxler, Sergeant Hal Vukovich, Dr. Peter Silberman, Ginger Ventura, Matt Buchanan

Cool Stuff: The Terminator

Cool Music: If you like Yamaha keyboard sounding music then all of it is cool

Cool Quote: “Come with me if you want to live.”

This is easily the most violent movie on my list so far. First, naked Terminator rips a punk’s heart out, there are lots of guns and lots of car/motorcycle/truck chases, future battles with sweet lasers, an uncomfortable love scene that doesn’t look fun for anyone involved, and a naked Kyle Reese steals a homeless man’s pants. Sarah Connor is the best female character I have reviewed in a while. She is smart, tough, and hot. Kyle Reese is also smart, tough, and hot. But I think the Terminator steals the show. He is a total bad ass and is almost unstoppable.

The music and the special effects are pretty bad ... but that is actually what makes them pretty awesome. In contrast to the Star Wars movies, this sci-fi movie is low budget and a little bit behind the times with technology. But things will get better for director James Cameron. And by better I mean he will direct two movies that had huge budgets, but secretly sucked.

I am almost positive that my choice for cool quote will require me to defend myself ... so here goes. “I’ll be back” is the one that gets all the glory. Personally I think the line is kind of awkward for the scene and doesn’t really work. Sure it becomes Arnold’s go-to line for future films, but it might be a little overplayed at this point. “Come with me if you want to live” is my pick. It works great for the scene ... and if I had seen this movie when I was younger I would have totally tried using it as a pick-up line at a party or at a bar. And like all of my other attempts, it probably would not have worked.

So for years I have been quoting the Terminator arcade game and it turns out, like in many other instances, I was wrong. But I don’t care. I will continue to give Linda Hamilton my sound advice: Sarah Connor ... LOOK OUT!

Next movie to review: Beverly Hills Cop

For the glory of love

The Karate Kid (1984)

Rating: PG

Runtime: 127 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 203 million (approximately)

Characters: Daniel LaRusso, Keisuke Miyagi, Ali Mills, Johnny Lawrence, John Kreese, Lucille LaRusso, Bobby, Dutch, Jimmy, Tommy, Freddy Fernandez, Barbara, Susan, Mr. Mills, Mrs. Mills

Cool Stuff: Golf n’ Stuff

Cool Music: “You’re the Best”

Cool Quote: “Wax on, wax off.”

This movie is one of the longer ones I have watched so far on my list, so there is a lot to cover. Strangely, this is the first time I had seen this movie from start to finish. There are a lot of characters in the film; few are actually important. Daniel is the new kid in town. He seems to be a nice kid, but he is also kind of a jerk. Miyagi is great. At first you think he is tricking Daniel into doing all his chores (wash/wax his cars, sand his floor, paint his fence and house), but he is teaching him how to be a karate master. Ali is the rich girl next door and (against her friends Barbara and Susan’s wishes) is the only one who likes Daniel. Johnny and all his Cobra Kai buddies (Bobby, Dutch, Jimmy, and Tommy) are bad dudes, and they learned it all from John Kreese: ”Strike first, strike hard, no mercy!”

The coolest thing in the movie is a place I’d actually like to visit: Golf n’ Stuff ... a place where you can play arcade hockey and mini golf, ride go-karts and bumper boats, jump on a trampoline, and visit a photo booth. Outside of one song, the soundtrack is pretty bad. It ruins scenes by telling you what’s about to happen. It’s loud when something bad is about to happen, quiet when we are supposed to be learning something. But all is forgiven when the “You’re the Best” montage finally arrives! I also really liked the scene where we find out Miyagi’s sad backstory.

Deciding the coolest quote was tough. My girlfriend loved “Must be ‘take a worm for a walk’ week”, and I’m guessing everyone else loves “Get him a body bag ... yeah!” Me, I’ll stick with the classic “Wax on, wax off.” To close, I’d like to mention three things: Daniel’s mom is awesome, Ali’s mom is terrible, and this movie has a bracket tournament! Salty likey!

Next movie to review: The Terminator

Yipes! Stripes!

Gremlins (1984)

Rating: PG

Runtime: 106 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 332 million (approximately)

Characters: Billy Peltzer, Gizmo, Kate Beringer, Stripe, Pete Fountaine, Mr. Hanson, Randall Peltzer, Lynn Peltzer, Mrs. Deagle, Gerald Hopkins

Cool Stuff: The Bathroom Buddy

Cool Music: “The Gremlin Rag”

Cool Quote: “Bright light!”

Three simple rules: keep him out of the light, don’t give him any water, and don’t feed him after midnight. Yet nobody could do it. I guess it would be almost impossible to keep the Mogwai away from all these things, but the old man who owned the store was able to find a way. It is by far the scariest/grossest ’80s movie I have watched so far for my blog ... but it is great! Gizmo is cute and funny, and Stripe is not cute and not funny. My favorite scene with each is when Gizmo is driving the Barbie pink Corvette and when Stripe is smokin’, drinkin’, and watchin’ Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Billy is a bank teller (like me!) and Kate works at a bar (like my girlfriend ... wishes she did!). The rest of the cast is good, but is mostly just there to fill in when Gizmo is not.

There are no cool cars in this film (Billy has a piece of junk), so the cool thing in this film is the Bathroom Buddy, a travel-sized invention that was an all-in-one toothbrush-razor-comb-nail-clipper-mirror. And by cool I mean it didn’t work ... but it was a good idea. As for something that did work: “The Gremlin Rag” is a catchy tune. When the gremlins were up to no good, this seemed to be the song that was playing; much like the song that followed Darth Vader around. Cool quote for the film ... definitely “Bright light!” which Gizmo says on numerous occasions. And by Gizmo I mean me, and by numerous occasions I mean I say it all the time.

This movie (along with Temple of Doom) is responsible for the eventual invention of the PG-13 rating. It was a bit scarier than a cute cuddly PG, but not a disgusting frightful R. Nerd fact: Red Dawn was the first movie to have a PG-13 rating ... for extreme amounts of Swayze. So be careful, parents who follow Salty Chewbacca; this might be one you don’t let your kids watch ... or if you do just be ready to explain to them the dangers of putting things in blenders and microwaves.

Next movie to review: The Karate Kid