Swatch dogs and Diet Coke heads

Heathers (1989)

Rating: R

Runtime: 103 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 2 million (approximately)

Characters: Veronica Sawyer, Jason Dean, Heather Chandler, Heather McNamara, Heather Duke, Martha Dunnstock, Betty Finn, Kurt Kelly, Ram Sweeney, Pauline Fleming, Mr. Sawyer, Mrs. Sawyer, Big Bud Dean

Cool Stuff: Red scrunchie

Cool Music: “Teenage Suicide Don’t Do It”

Cool Quote: “What is your damage, Heather?”

My all-time crush (Winona Ryder) and my girlfriend’s biggest preteen crush (Christian Slater) in the same movie! How this movie failed at the box office baffles me. Maybe it is because it took everything we knew about high school movies in the eighties and did the opposite. Greed ... check. Sex ... check. Murder ... check. Croquet ... check. Even though the movie is called Heathers, let’s start with the main character: Veronica. She is the outsider of the most powerful group in school, always wears blue, and likes her spaghetti with lots of oregano. Heather Chandler is the leader, always wears red, and likes to conduct lunchtime polls. Heather McNamara is a cheerleader, and always wears yellow. Heather Duke enjoys reading Moby Dick, and always wears green. Jason Dean (JD) is the rebel without a cause. Martha Dunnstock is the girl everyone picks on in school. Betty Finn is Veronica’s nerdy ex-best friend. And Kurt and Ram are the dumb jocks. All cliques represented!

If you wear the red scrunchie, you rule the school ... which makes it the coolest thing in the movie. Heather Chandler wears it in the beginning, Heather Duke in the middle, and Veronica in the end. Want to know the coolest song? Of course it’s the current #1 song in America at the time (in the movie) “Teenage Suicide Don’t Do It”. What was everyone saying in 1989 after seeing this movie? Innocent things like “You’re beautiful”, insulting things like “Lick it up, baby. Lick. It. Up”, and not-safe-for-young-Salty-readers things like “Fuck me gently with a chainsaw”. But I say the coolest quote is “What is your damage, Heather?”

The ending to the movie was supposed to have been much darker (a prom in heaven with all the students getting along after Veronica blows herself up). I think that ending would have been so very. Even with the “happy” ending, this movie is now a cult classic. From box office failure to one of the greatest high school movies ever. What could we learn from this? If you want to fuck with the eagles you have to learn to fly.

Next movie to review: Field of Dreams