Party like it's 1989

Batman (1989)

Rating: PG-13

Runtime: 126 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 472 million (approximately)

Characters: Bruce Wayne, Batman, Jack Napier, The Joker, Vicki Vale, Alfred Pennyworth, Alexander Knox, Bob the Goon, Carl Grissom, Alicia Hunt, Commissioner James Gordon, Lt. Max Eckhardt, Harvey Dent

Cool Stuff: The Batmobile

Cool Music: Prince!

Cool Quote: “You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?”

Superman (1978) was the first major big-budget superhero movie, but this movie was in its own universe. I didn’t see it in the theater, but from what I understand it was a huge success. Even though the movie is called Batman, Jack Nicholson (as Jack Napier/the Joker) got top billing ... which is understandable. I mean, he’s Jack Nicholson. He has all the great lines (we’ll get to the greatest one later) like “Wait ‘til they get a load of me”, “This town needs an enema”, “I got a live one here”, and “If you gotta go, go with a smile”. As great as Jack Nicholson was as the Joker, Michael Keaton as Bruce Wayne/Batman was pretty amazing. Some would argue he is the best Batman ever (right Jake?). He has a great line as well ... ”I’m Batman”. Vicki Vale is a great character and love interest for our superhero, and Alfred is a great butler/father figure.

It’s been a theme throughout my eighties movie blog that the coolest thing from the movie is a car ... so it’s only fitting that the last movie on my list has the Batmobile. The Batwing is pretty cool, but it is not even close ... and it crashes and burns. The cool music is brought to you by Prince. The fun “Party Man”, the naughty “Scandalous”, and the “Bat Dance”. Oh, and I shouldn’t forget to mention the score for the movie. It’s so good and brings the Batman to life. Ok, back to the cool quote. It has to be “You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?” I know I ask that of all my prey.

This movie (along with the sequel Batman Returns) are both really dark and violent. It almost makes the other two sequels (Batman Forever and Batman & Robin) unwatchable. Three other things I liked about this movie: the Bat-Signal (a close runner-up to the Ghostbusters logo as the tattoo I would get to symbolize the eighties in film), the credits are in black and yellow, and the Joker made me realize that you never rub another man’s rhubarb.

So I have finally finished my list of the 32 movies from the eighties that I feel are the most essential (Back to the Future is the most, but I left it off for reasons already discussed). Thanks to Billy Dee Williams, we have gone from Cloud City (The Empire Strikes Back) to Gotham City (Batman). Stay tuned for the Salty Chewbacca Elite Eighties Tournament Challenge!

Corn without the Cobb

Field of Dreams (1989)

Rating: PG

Runtime: 106 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 121 million (approximately)

Characters: Ray Kinsella, Annie Kinsella, Karin Kinsella, Shoeless Joe Jackson, Terence Mann, Dr. Archibald “Moonlight” Graham, John Kinsella, Mark, Dee, Annie’s Mom

Cool Stuff: James Earl Jones’s—I mean Terence Mann’s—speech

Cool Music: The score ... it’s magical and spooky.

Cool Quote: “If you build it, he will come.”

Yay, a sports movie! This and Caddyshack are the only two on my list of elite eighties movies ... and they are complete opposites. This is your classic story of “getting old and hating you dad”. Ray Kinsella hears voices and sees images so he decides to build a baseball field. Everyone thinks he is crazy, except for his cool wife Annie and their daughter Karin. But then the ghosts of Shoeless Joe Jackson and the rest of the Black Sox show up. Side note: I used to have a Black Sox jersey in high school. I wanted a Brooklyn Dodgers jersey, but I couldn’t afford it (I wanted to be like Mookie from Do the Right Thing). Terence Mann is the grumpy old man who secretly loves baseball and The Beatles. He also wrote the greatest novel of his time: “The Boat Rocker”. My favorite character in the movie is Moonlight Graham. He carries an umbrella and used to buy his wife lots of blue hats.

My pick for coolest thing in the movie is Terence Mann’s speech about baseball. When it comes to sports, I love basketball (go Celtics!), hate football (go Buccaneers!), and respect baseball (go Pirates!). It is probably the sport with the best history (my friend Andy would be the expert on the subject). And James Earl Jones’s voice is fantastic. Speaking of fantastic: the score for the movie is perfect. It really makes you feel like you are there in the cornfield amongst the ghosts. There are many great lines from the movie: “Is this heaven? No, it’s Iowa”, “Ease his pain”, “Go the distance”, and “People will come”, but the one everyone loves is “If you build it, he will come.”

Three things I learned while watching this movie: Ben Affleck and Matt Damon were at Fenway Park during the filming of the scenes there, in 1972 all anyone cared about was Richard Nixon and The Godfather, and after winking at someone you should watch out for “in your ear”.

Next movie to review: Batman

Swatch dogs and Diet Coke heads

Heathers (1989)

Rating: R

Runtime: 103 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 2 million (approximately)

Characters: Veronica Sawyer, Jason Dean, Heather Chandler, Heather McNamara, Heather Duke, Martha Dunnstock, Betty Finn, Kurt Kelly, Ram Sweeney, Pauline Fleming, Mr. Sawyer, Mrs. Sawyer, Big Bud Dean

Cool Stuff: Red scrunchie

Cool Music: “Teenage Suicide Don’t Do It”

Cool Quote: “What is your damage, Heather?”

My all-time crush (Winona Ryder) and my girlfriend’s biggest preteen crush (Christian Slater) in the same movie! How this movie failed at the box office baffles me. Maybe it is because it took everything we knew about high school movies in the eighties and did the opposite. Greed ... check. Sex ... check. Murder ... check. Croquet ... check. Even though the movie is called Heathers, let’s start with the main character: Veronica. She is the outsider of the most powerful group in school, always wears blue, and likes her spaghetti with lots of oregano. Heather Chandler is the leader, always wears red, and likes to conduct lunchtime polls. Heather McNamara is a cheerleader, and always wears yellow. Heather Duke enjoys reading Moby Dick, and always wears green. Jason Dean (JD) is the rebel without a cause. Martha Dunnstock is the girl everyone picks on in school. Betty Finn is Veronica’s nerdy ex-best friend. And Kurt and Ram are the dumb jocks. All cliques represented!

If you wear the red scrunchie, you rule the school ... which makes it the coolest thing in the movie. Heather Chandler wears it in the beginning, Heather Duke in the middle, and Veronica in the end. Want to know the coolest song? Of course it’s the current #1 song in America at the time (in the movie) “Teenage Suicide Don’t Do It”. What was everyone saying in 1989 after seeing this movie? Innocent things like “You’re beautiful”, insulting things like “Lick it up, baby. Lick. It. Up”, and not-safe-for-young-Salty-readers things like “Fuck me gently with a chainsaw”. But I say the coolest quote is “What is your damage, Heather?”

The ending to the movie was supposed to have been much darker (a prom in heaven with all the students getting along after Veronica blows herself up). I think that ending would have been so very. Even with the “happy” ending, this movie is now a cult classic. From box office failure to one of the greatest high school movies ever. What could we learn from this? If you want to fuck with the eagles you have to learn to fly.

Next movie to review: Field of Dreams

Youth gone wyld

Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure (1989)

Rating: PG

Runtime: 90 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 76 million (approximately)

Characters: Bill S. Preston Esq., Ted “Theodore” Logan, Rufus, Abraham Lincoln, Billy the Kid, Genghis Kahn, Joan of Arc, Ludwig van Beethoven, Napoleon, Sigmund Freud, Socrates, Princess Elizabeth, Princess Joanna, Missy, Mr. Ian Preston, Captain John Logan, Deacon Logan, Mr. Ryan

Cool Stuff: Time-traveling phone booth

Cool Music: The Wyld Stallyns’ music, of course ... the movie soundtrack is awesomely bad

Cool Quote: “Be excellent to each other.”

While watching this movie I had to keep reminding myself that this is a history movie, not a babe movie. There are a lot of fun characters to talk about ... but let’s start with the title characters Bill and Ted. They are “most triumphant” as members of the soon-to-be world-changing rock band Wyld Stallyns. They just have to pass history class first. With help from Rufus (their time travel expert), they gather up some of history’s greatest figures: Abraham Lincoln, Billy the Kid, Genghis Kahn, Joan of Arc, Ludwig van Beethoven, Napoleon, Sigmund Freud, and Socrates. Oh, and I can’t forget about the princesses ... they will play a major role in the future as well.

It’s no DeLorean, but the time-traveling phone booth is pretty cool. I am not sure how they fit everyone in there at once, but that is the beauty of a time travel movie: anything can happen. The music of Wyld Stallyns is supposed to be amazing, but we don’t get to hear it at its best in the movie ... what we do get is songs from various ’80s bands with titles like “The Boys and Girls Are Doing It”, “I Can’t Break Away”, and “Two Heads Are Better Than One”. Coolest quote was a tough decision. I went with the inspirational “Be excellent to each other” instead of the hilarious “You killed Ted, you medieval dickweed!”

As Bill and Ted were learning about the past to help their futures, I was learning things as well: it can be awkward when your stepmom was a senior when you were a freshman and your best friend asked her to the prom, beware ... strange things are afoot at the Circle K, every teenage boy is thinking about the number 69, always wind your watch, and San Dimas high school football rules!

Next movie to review: Heathers