Give me back my son!

Return of the Jedi (1983)

Rating: PG

Runtime: 132 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 591 million (approximately)

Characters: Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, Han Solo, Chewbacca, C-3PO, R2-D2, Yoda, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Lando Calrissian, Ewoks, Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine, Jabba the Hutt, Boba Fett, Stormtroopers, Red Guards

Cool Stuff: AT-AT Walkers, Lightsabers, Millennium Falcon, 74-Z Speeder Bikes

Cool Music: Opening Theme, Darth Vader’s Theme

Cool Quote: “There is another Skywalker.”

So this is the movie that my girlfriend Rebecca has seen the most times in her life. Not because she loved it, but she had it on VHS a long time before she got Star Wars or The Empire Strikes Back. Once she got those, Return of the Jedi was never to be seen again. Although I would agree that Jedi is the weakest of the trilogy, it has its fun moments. The gang is back for one last mission; Luke is now a Jedi, Leia wears a gold bikini (yaow!), Han is free from the carbonite, and Yoda joins Ben in Jedi heaven. A few new characters are introduced: a disgusting Jabba the Hutt (though his band is pretty awesome), and some annoying Ewoks.

The AT-AT Walkers are back with some new improvements, and Luke has a green lightsaber this time around to fight Vader and his red one. Their final battle is legendary. Lando controls the Millennium Falcon while Han is getting his mojo back, and the 74-Z speeder bikes are kind of cool. Oh, and the rancor and sarlacc are pretty cool, too. The familiar tunes are back as well; you really can’t go wrong with the opening theme and Darth Vader’s theme. They really get you fired up!

It was difficult to settle on a defining quote. We already know everyone has a “bad feeling about this”, and that Han and Leia “love” each other. And Yoda tells us in Empire that “there is another”, though we just don’t know who or what that is. So when Yoda reveals that “there is another Skywalker”, it automatically becomes the cool quote because we can then laugh about the fact that Luke made out with his sister Leia.

My favorite parts in the movie are witnessing Jedi Luke put his master plan into action. He is such a cocky bastard ... I love it! Oh, and here is a debate for you: who does Han love more ... Leia or the Millennium Falcon?

Next movie to review: National Lampoon’s Vacation

Jen is truly outrageous

The Dark Crystal (1982)

Rating: PG

Runtime: 93 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 98 million (approximately)

Characters: Jen, Kira, Aughra, Fizzgig, Chamberlain, General, Emperor, Master, Crystal Bats, Garthims, Landstriders, Podlings

Cool Stuff: the Dark Crystal

Cool Music: Jen plays the flute, but no cool music from this movie

Cool Quote: “Wings? I don’t have wings.” “Of course not. You’re a boy.”

This was probably the movie I went the most out of the way to put on the list. I had never seen it and I always wanted to. I didn’t know anything about it, which was good, so I could really be unbiased. I am glad I can finally cross it off my list. It was pretty dark for a family movie, and really weird. But I liked it; the battle between the Mystics and the Skeksis is like a fantasy version of the Bloods versus the Crips. Oh, and after watching this movie, I have decided that every argument should be resolved through trial by stone.

There were several characters, but only four had names ... which at times made things confusing. Jen was great. He plays the flute, finds the crystal shard, and dreamfasts with Kira, the girl next door. Kira is in touch with nature, has a cool pet named Fizzgig, and probably helps save the world more than Jen does. The Chamberlain was torn between bad and good, and made a weird mmm sound. The Garthims were creepy, and I felt really bad for the Landstriders. The Dark Crystal was purple and powerful, so I thought it was pretty cool. I bet Prince has spent a lot of time and money searching for this magical stone. Good luck, buddy. I hope you find it one day.

What was uncool was that there was not much music. I was expecting some fun songs and there were none. Jen should have been impressing Kira with his flute, but it never happened. One thing that kept happening were really long scenes of the Mystics just walking and not really explaining why ... until they show up at the great conjuring at the end.

Kira is a great female character, one of the better ones so far in the ’80s movies I’ve reviewed. She delivers the best quote of the movie, and it really made me laugh. She basically tells Jen that girls rule and boys drool.

Next movie to review: Return of the Jedi