Yipes! Stripes!

Gremlins (1984)

Rating: PG

Runtime: 106 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 332 million (approximately)

Characters: Billy Peltzer, Gizmo, Kate Beringer, Stripe, Pete Fountaine, Mr. Hanson, Randall Peltzer, Lynn Peltzer, Mrs. Deagle, Gerald Hopkins

Cool Stuff: The Bathroom Buddy

Cool Music: “The Gremlin Rag”

Cool Quote: “Bright light!”

Three simple rules: keep him out of the light, don’t give him any water, and don’t feed him after midnight. Yet nobody could do it. I guess it would be almost impossible to keep the Mogwai away from all these things, but the old man who owned the store was able to find a way. It is by far the scariest/grossest ’80s movie I have watched so far for my blog ... but it is great! Gizmo is cute and funny, and Stripe is not cute and not funny. My favorite scene with each is when Gizmo is driving the Barbie pink Corvette and when Stripe is smokin’, drinkin’, and watchin’ Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Billy is a bank teller (like me!) and Kate works at a bar (like my girlfriend ... wishes she did!). The rest of the cast is good, but is mostly just there to fill in when Gizmo is not.

There are no cool cars in this film (Billy has a piece of junk), so the cool thing in this film is the Bathroom Buddy, a travel-sized invention that was an all-in-one toothbrush-razor-comb-nail-clipper-mirror. And by cool I mean it didn’t work ... but it was a good idea. As for something that did work: “The Gremlin Rag” is a catchy tune. When the gremlins were up to no good, this seemed to be the song that was playing; much like the song that followed Darth Vader around. Cool quote for the film ... definitely “Bright light!” which Gizmo says on numerous occasions. And by Gizmo I mean me, and by numerous occasions I mean I say it all the time.

This movie (along with Temple of Doom) is responsible for the eventual invention of the PG-13 rating. It was a bit scarier than a cute cuddly PG, but not a disgusting frightful R. Nerd fact: Red Dawn was the first movie to have a PG-13 rating ... for extreme amounts of Swayze. So be careful, parents who follow Salty Chewbacca; this might be one you don’t let your kids watch ... or if you do just be ready to explain to them the dangers of putting things in blenders and microwaves.

Next movie to review: The Karate Kid

Who you gonna call?

Ghostbusters (1984)

Rating: PG

Runtime: 105 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 514 million (approximately)

Characters: Dr. Peter Venkman, Dr. Raymond Stantz, Dr. Egon Spengler, Winston Zeddmore, Dana Barrett, Janine Melnitz, Louis Tully, Walter Peck, Gozer the Gozerian, Slimer, Stay Puft Marshmallow Man

Cool Stuff: Ecto-1, Ghostbusters logo

Cool Music: “Ghostbusters”

Cool Quote: “We came. We saw. We kicked its ass.”

This is definitely the funniest ’80s movie I have watched so far for my blog ... and it could end up being the funniest by the end of the 32 ’80s movies I plan to watch. It also does a great job of walking the line of being scary / not being scary. All four of the Ghostbusters play their roles perfectly; Venkman is funny, Ray is serious, Egon is smart, and Winston is strong. Sprinkle in a hot love interest (Dana Barrett), a reliable secretary (Janine Melnitz), an incompetent next door neighbor (Louis Tully), a jerk with no dick (Walter Peck), three totally different villains (Gozer, Slimer, and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man) and you’ve got your recipe for a well-rounded cast of characters.

Yes ... we have another film with a cool car! Ecto-1 is the perfect automobile for your ghostbusting needs. But I think the coolest thing from this movie is the Ghostbusters logo. If you show it to anyone, there is a 95% chance they know exactly what it is. And if I were to get a tattoo symbolizing the essence of 1980s film, this is probably the one I’d go with. The title track from the film, brought to you by Ray Parker Jr., is one of the best ... because “Busting makes me feel good!”

So, I don’t think it is a surprise to anyone that I love Bill Murray. He is at the top of my list of people I wish I could hang out with (don’t worry Matt Damon, you are up there, too). In this movie, Murray (or should I say Venkman) delivers the best line. I wish I could be quoted at some point in my life saying, “I came. I saw. I kicked its ass.” Another classic quote from the film is “He slimed me”, but I don’t think I ever want to be quoted saying that.

In my opinion, the most important lesson we can learn from Ghostbusters is whatever you do don’t cross the streams ... but if the world needs saving, then you can cross the streams. I am sure 10-year-old me would be laughing uncontrollably at this advice.

Next movie to review: Gremlins

Nothing Else Matters

The NeverEnding Story (1984)

Rating: PG

Runtime: 94 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 45 million (approximately)

Characters: Bastian, Atreyu, Artax, Falkor, The Childlike Empress, Rock Biter, Gmork, Engywook, Urgl, Nighthob, Teeny Weeny, Morla, bat, snail, Mr. Koreander, The Nothing

Cool Stuff: The Book, the AURYN

Cool Music: “Never Ending Story”

Cool Quote: “Never give up and good luck will find you.”

I have two funny stories about this movie: I am pretty sure my friend Jeff Brown used to say, “No. Not too much. We still have a long way to go.” sometimes when he was eating food, much like Bastian did in the school attic ... and a kid in my class looked exactly like Falkor. I am pretty sure I watched this movie several times as a kid. There is a lot to like about this movie. Atreyu and Artax are as great as any heroes we have encountered so far. The scene in the swamp of sadness is, well, sad. Like super sad. Rock Biter is my favorite character. He also has a sad scene near the end. Gmork and The Nothing are terrifying. Bastian and Falkor are just weird. And I have to admit I probably had a crush on The Childlike Empress when I was 10.

The book Bastian “borrows” is pretty cool ... it comes to life and stuff. It is almost like a Choose Your Own Adventure book. And we all know how awesome those were when we were kids. The AURYN is neat as well. I really felt sad when Atreyu lost it. The score of the movie is really good. It really gets you excited and scared and feeling sad when you need to be. And of course there is the title song “Never Ending Story”. I love it! Funny story: all these years I thought it was sung by a woman. Nope. Some guy named Limahl (former lead singer of Kajagoogoo) sings it. Side note: Kajagoogoo’s one hit ... ”Too Shy” is also a classic.

Though my friend Jeff Brown’s favorite line is pretty cool, my choice for cool quote is Falkor’s “Never give up and good luck will find you.” It is a good message for kids, and it coming from a luck dragon should count for something. I mean, if anyone knows about luck it would be him. My final words for this review are “Beware of The Nothing for it is something and it could be anything.” I should put that on a shirt.

Next movie to review: Ghostbusters

I'm going to Disney World!

National Lampoon’s Vacation (1983)

Rating: R

Runtime: 98 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 144 million (approximately)

Characters: Clark Griswold, Ellen Griswold, Rusty Griswold, Audrey Griswold, Cousin Eddie, Cousin Catherine, Aunt Edna, Cousin Vicki, Cousin Dale, Russ Lasky, Girl in the Red Ferrari

Cool Stuff: The Wagon Queen Family Truckster

Cool Music: “Holiday Road”

Cool Quote: some funny lines but no one standout quote

Pack it up, pack it in, the Griswold family vacation review is about to begin! I think I have only seen this movie twice in its entirety (including this time). I am pretty sure teenage Salty loved it because of a practically naked Christie Brinkley and a foul-mouthed Chevy Chase. Adult Salty was a little confused this time around. I found it funny, but at the same time I wasn’t sure why. Clark Griswold made me laugh, but the jokes I found amusing 25 years ago were not so amusing 25 years later. Russ Lasky was great, but he was only in it at the end. I had to stop the movie and look closely when cousin Vicki appeared.... Yes, that’s Jane Krakowski! Smoking weed and French kissing at age 15.

I see a theme developing in the “cool stuff” category: modes of transportation. The Millennium Falcon from Empire and Jedi, the Bluesmobile from The Blues Brothers, and the 1979 Chevrolet Camaro Z28 from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. In this movie, it is the Wagon Queen Family Truckster. It is an absolutely awful car, which makes it awesome at the same time. I had a terrible car as a teenager (1986 sky blue Plymouth Duster), and at no time was it awesome. I would have traded it for the Family Truckster in a second. In the cool music category, we get a classic in “Holiday Road”. It is used in most of the Vacation sequels as well ... which is a funny because the Griswold kids are different in most of the sequels.

I think most of the time I was watching the movie I was thinking about going to Walley World ... I mean Disney World. When my girlfriend and I have gone, we have always driven from New Hampshire to Florida. I hate flying, but I also find the trip in the car part of the adventure. We have not been in a few years, but I am sure one day we will return to that magical place ... and someday we will go cross-country to Disneyland!

Next movie to review: The NeverEnding Story

Give me back my son!

Return of the Jedi (1983)

Rating: PG

Runtime: 132 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 591 million (approximately)

Characters: Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, Han Solo, Chewbacca, C-3PO, R2-D2, Yoda, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Lando Calrissian, Ewoks, Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine, Jabba the Hutt, Boba Fett, Stormtroopers, Red Guards

Cool Stuff: AT-AT Walkers, Lightsabers, Millennium Falcon, 74-Z Speeder Bikes

Cool Music: Opening Theme, Darth Vader’s Theme

Cool Quote: “There is another Skywalker.”

So this is the movie that my girlfriend Rebecca has seen the most times in her life. Not because she loved it, but she had it on VHS a long time before she got Star Wars or The Empire Strikes Back. Once she got those, Return of the Jedi was never to be seen again. Although I would agree that Jedi is the weakest of the trilogy, it has its fun moments. The gang is back for one last mission; Luke is now a Jedi, Leia wears a gold bikini (yaow!), Han is free from the carbonite, and Yoda joins Ben in Jedi heaven. A few new characters are introduced: a disgusting Jabba the Hutt (though his band is pretty awesome), and some annoying Ewoks.

The AT-AT Walkers are back with some new improvements, and Luke has a green lightsaber this time around to fight Vader and his red one. Their final battle is legendary. Lando controls the Millennium Falcon while Han is getting his mojo back, and the 74-Z speeder bikes are kind of cool. Oh, and the rancor and sarlacc are pretty cool, too. The familiar tunes are back as well; you really can’t go wrong with the opening theme and Darth Vader’s theme. They really get you fired up!

It was difficult to settle on a defining quote. We already know everyone has a “bad feeling about this”, and that Han and Leia “love” each other. And Yoda tells us in Empire that “there is another”, though we just don’t know who or what that is. So when Yoda reveals that “there is another Skywalker”, it automatically becomes the cool quote because we can then laugh about the fact that Luke made out with his sister Leia.

My favorite parts in the movie are witnessing Jedi Luke put his master plan into action. He is such a cocky bastard ... I love it! Oh, and here is a debate for you: who does Han love more ... Leia or the Millennium Falcon?

Next movie to review: National Lampoon’s Vacation