Anywhere I Lay My Head

Being John Malkovich (1999)

Rating: R

Runtime: 113 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 32 million (approximately)

Characters: Craig Schwartz, Lotte Schwartz, Maxine Lund, John Malkovich, Dr. Lester, Floris, Charlie Sheen, Elijah

Favorite Quote: “Maybe you could alphabetize me. And don’t forget, I comes before U.”

Favorite Scene: When John Malkovich goes into the portal

Favorite Character: John Malkovich

Other need-to-see nineties movies directed by Spike Jonze: none

The last movie on my list is also one of the toughest I have had to review. The movie is weird (obviously), but I have had to write about weird movies before. I didn’t really like any of the characters (most of them are absolutely terrible people). But that being said, it is a visually appealing, well-acted movie that fits perfectly in this “thirty movies from the nineties” recap. John Malkovich is my favorite character. Maxine is great, but she (like Craig and Lotte) is just looking out for her best interests and doesn’t care about anybody but herself. Charlie Sheen is funny, and I find it adorable that he and John Malkovich grow old together and refer to each other as Masheen and Malcatraz.

The movie is full of uncomfortable moments and dialogue. There is an obvious “the overhead is low” pun about working on the tiny 7½ floor that I appreciate. There are also several references to a jewel thief movie that does not exist which I find funny. My favorite quote is delivered by Floris (another of the unlikeable characters). While watching Craig flip through some index cards, she says, “Maybe you could alphabetize me. And don’t forget, I comes before U.” Nineties workplace humor at its finest!! I loved the choice of Bjork’s “Amphibian” for the credits, but I am sure I read somewhere that They Might Be Giants “Put Your Hand Inside the Puppet Head” was the first choice. I know three people who would have loved this (shout out to Rebecca, Andy, and Scooter).

Everyone wants their 15 minutes inside Malkovich, so when John Malkovich himself crawls through the portal and is in a world where everyone is John Malkovich (my favorite scene), he probably wishes that he hadn’t. Side note: one person who wants to be someone else (the tagline of the movie), says that John Malkovich would be his “second choice”. I find it extremely strange that there are countless people in the world, and John Malkovich is his second choice. I have always wondered who his first would be.

Poor Edward

Fight Club (1999)

Rating: R

Run Time: 139 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 53 million (approximately)

Characters: The Narrator, Tyler Durden, Marla Singer, Robert “Bob” Paulson, Richard Chesler

Favorite Quote: “The first rule of fight club is you don’t talk about fight club. The second rule of fight club is you don’t talk about fight club.

Favorite Scene: When Edward Norton and Brad Pitt enter Lou’s Bar

Favorite Character: Tyler Durden

Other need-to-see nineties movies directed by David Fincher: Seven

This was a tough call when choosing between Seven and Fight Club as the David Fincher movie of the nineties. I hope I made the right choice. It is probably for the best to not have two Kevin Spacey movies (the other being The Usual Suspects) on my necessary nineties list. So, to the Fight Club review!! There are not a lot of characters in the movie (only about 4 or 5 major ones) to choose from. Marla is great, and everyone loved Bitch Tits Bob. I chose Tyler Durden. Brad Pitt was so cool. Everyone wanted to be him. There were, however, many quotes to choose from. “How’s that working out for you? Being clever?” is hilarious. “The condom is the glass slipper of our generation” and “Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken” are naughty. “I want you to hit me as hard as you can” is a close second to what is probably the most memorable quote in the movie (also my favorite). I am not supposed to talk about it. So, I won’t.

My favorite scene from the movie is very similar to my favorite scene from another movie I reviewed on my necessary nineties movie list, Dazed and Confused. In that film, three characters enter the Emporium and ooze cool. In this film, it is two characters entering Lou’s Bar. They also ooze cool, but the coolest thing about the scene is that “Goin’ Out West” by Tom Waits is playing. In case you haven’t caught on by now, all of my nineties movies reviews have a Tom Waits song as the title. I can’t remember why I chose to do it, I just thought it would be fun. And who knew that a Tom Waits song would pop up in one of the movies!!

Speaking of songs, the end scene of the movie is not only mind blowing (see what I did there?), but the song playing is “Where Is My Mind?” by the Pixies. I can’t think of a more perfect song for that ending. Only one more movie to go on my list before the tournament begins!!

Next movie to review: Being John Malkovich

 

No One Knows I'm Gone

 

The Sixth Sense (1999)

Rating: PG-13

Runtime: 107 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 417 million (approximately)

Characters: Malcolm Crowe, Cole Sear, Lynn Sear, Anna Crowe, Vincent Gray/Grey, Kyra Collins, Tommy Tammisimo

Favorite Quote: “I see dead people.”

Favorite Scene: I see dead people scene

Favorite Character: Cole Sear

Other need-to-see movies nineties movies directed by M. Night Shyamalan: none

I remember when this movie came out and if you had seen it, you couldn’t talk about it with anyone that had not seen it yet so as to not spoil the ending, which was tough because it has one of the great twists of all time. The performances were also great, not giving away any clues and keeping you in suspense. Unfortunately, the performances were not awarded any Oscars. Haley Joel Osment (Cole Sear) should have won over Michael Caine. Toni Collette (Lynn Sear) should have won over Angelina Jolie. Even Donnie Wahlberg (Vincent Gray/Grey)) was amazing, and he was only on screen for a total of three minutes!! Malcolm Crowe (played by Bruce Willis) was probably my favorite character in 1999, but now it is Cole. He is the movie. Personally, I think Bruce Willis gives a better performance in M. Night Shyamalan’s next movie Unbreakable.

“Keep moving, cheese dick” is my favorite line from the movie. Just kidding; it’s “I see dead people.” Everyone was saying it then, and you probably know someone that says it now. Speaking of I see dead people, the scene where Cole says it to Malcolm is my favorite scene from the movie. Cole is basically revealing the twist of the movie, yet nobody sees it coming. The thing I love most about this scene is that Malcolm thinks he is the one in control of this conversation. I can’t really explain it, but his eyes give you the feel of him slow playing Cole into revealing more about himself . . . when in fact it is Cole slow playing Malcolm, who doesn’t realize that Cole is talking about him being **spoiler alert** one of the dead people he sees. It is this scene that should have sealed the deal for Haley Joel Osment winning all the awards.

After watching the movie a second time, you start to pick up on the clues that give away the ending. Cold temperature or the color red are used when ghosts are present. You also pick up on the fact that Tommy Tammisimo really does suck big time.

Next movie to review: Fight Club

Soldier's Things

 

The Iron Giant (1999)

Rating: PG

Runtime: 87 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 33 million (approximately)

Characters: The Iron Giant, Hogarth Hughes, Annie Hughes, Dean McCoppin, Kent Mansley, General Rogard

Favorite Quote: “Here, pretend you’re a gangster.”

Favorite Scene: When Iron Giant flies like Superman and sacrifices himself to save the town

Favorite Character: The Iron Giant

Other need-to-see nineties movies directed by Brad Bird: none

The third and final animated movie on my 90s movie list. I am not sure they could be any more different. Toy Story was G and for the kids, South Park was R and for the adults, and this movie was right in the middle. I can’t be positive that the town in the movie (Rockwell) was a shout out to the real-life town (Roswell) . . . but the Iron Giant was an alien/robot and there was a UFO in New Mexico. The truth is out there!! There are not many characters to chose from for favorite, but even if there were, I would choose the Iron Giant anyway. Hogarth’s mom Annie is cool, Dean McCoppin is weird, and Kent Mansley is a jerk; although he does say my favorite quote. I am not sure why it makes me laugh so much, or why I didn’t pick “I am not a gun”, or “Souls don’t die.”

There are several heart-breaking moments in the film that would make just about anyone cry. When Iron Giant does his best Superman impression (my favorite scene), and when his parts are finding their way back to each other at the end are about as perfect as you will ever see. I am not sure why this movie didn’t do better at the box office. Maybe people were not ready for a non-Disney/Pixar movie to succeed. Side note: Chicken Run was a top 20 movie the next year and Shrek was the second most successful movie in 2001. Too soon Iron Giant, too soon!!

At some point in the movie Hogarth calls Iron Giant a “Bad robot!!” I always thought this is where J.J. Abrams got the name of his production company from. He claims it is not and that the name “came to him” during a meeting. Not sure if I believe that…but it always makes me think of LOST (a J.J. Abrams creation and my favorite tv show of all time). I have yet to find a show that has made my feel the same way since its run from 2004 to 2010. If only I could go back.

Next movie to review: The Sixth Sense

Whistlin' Past the Graveyard

The Blair Witch Project (1999)

Rating: R

Runtime: 81 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 200 million (approximately)

Characters: Heather Donahue, Josh Leonard, Mike Williams

Favorite Quote: “I’m scared to close my eyes. I’m scared to open them.”

Favorite Scene: The end scene where Heather sees Mike standing in the corner

Favorite Character: Heather

Other need-to-see nineties movies directed by Daniel Myrick and Eduardo Sanchez: none

I remember reading about this movie and believing the events were real . . . up until about three days before it hit the theaters. To be fair, this was before the internet was everywhere, in my world anyway. I had to travel a distance to find a theater that was playing it, and even though I saw it during the daytime, I was so scared driving home. Who would have thought piles of rocks, stick people, and a bag of teeth could be so terrifying?? The movie itself is basic: there are only three main characters, and it’s only about 80 minutes long. But so much happens (or doesn’t) in that small amount of time that you are on the edge of your seat (or under it). Heather is the “leader” of the group, so she is my favorite. Josh isn’t around for much of the movie and Mike is kind of a jerk, so it was easy to choose her.

The movie is designed to be improvised, so the dialogue feels so real . . . because it is. My favorite line from the movie is delivered by Heather, even though the snot running from her nose is a little distracting. “I’m scared to close my eyes. I’m scared to open them”, is something I could see myself saying in that situation. The scene that was the most scariest was also my favorite and it still gives me chills just thinking about it. Mike standing in the corner and Heather dropping the camera . . . I couldn’t get out of the theater fast enough!!

This review has taken me a while to write. I watched this movie for my blog in September of 2019. I then moved into a house in October in Vermont, after living in an apartment for 14 years in New Hampshire. My mom died two weeks later, and then I got married two months after that. I just didn’t have the drive to sit down in front of a computer and type. But I can now move on to the next movie. I’m finally finished.

Next movie to review: The Iron Giant

All Stripped Down

American Pie (1999)

Rating: R

Runtime: 96 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 146 million (approximately)

Characters: Jim, Kevin, Oz, Finch, Stifler, Vicki, Jessica, Heather, Michelle, Nadia, Sherman, Jim’s dad, Jim’s mom, Stifler’s mom

Favorite Quote: “This one time, at band camp …”

Favorite Scene: Jim fucks an apple pie

Favorite Character: Jim

Other need-to-see nineties movies directed by Paul and Chris Weitz: none

I remember working at the theater when this movie came out and I let so many teenagers buy tickets without carding them. You’re welcome!! This film was filled with things that happened to me when I was in high school: I watched scrambled porn, drank jizz beer, and said “Suck me, beautiful” to a handful of girls. Ok, I only did one of those things. We all knew the characters from the film because they were like everyone we grew up with and either loved or hated them. There were popular guys (Kevin, Oz, Stifler), and nerdy guys (Jim, Finch), and popular girls (Vicki, Nadia), and nerdy girls (Jessica, Heather, Michelle), and uncool dads and hot moms. My favorite is Jim because, well, I was Jim in high school: I thought Ariel was hot, and I tried to get with the popular girl instead of the nerdy girl who was in front of me the whole time.

I am pretty sure every guy that watched this movie in 1999 would have said his favorite scene was when Nadia was in Jim’s room masturbating to porn. Me, I will go with Jim fucking the apple pie. Why?? Because he fucked an apple pie!! I am also pretty sure that everyone’s favorite quote is the same as my favorite quote. You couldn’t go anywhere in 1999 without someone saying “This one time, at band camp …” You also couldn’t go anywhere and not run into anyone that didn’t have the movie soundtrack. It had every cool band at the time: Blink-182, Dishwalla, Sugar Ray, Third Eye Blind, and Tonic. The movie had cool music too:  Barenaked Ladies, Everclear, Harvey Danger, Hole, and 3 Doors Down. Ah, the nineties!!

The band (see what I did there) would get back together for American Pie 2 (2001), American Wedding (2003), and American Reunion (2012). But none of them were able to capture the magic of the original. Side note: if Salty Chewbacca were to ever do a movies from the 2000s (?) blog, it will definitely be all about movie franchises. To the next step!!

Next movie to review: The Blair Witch Project

Hell Broke Luce

South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (1999)

Rating: R

Runtime: 81 minutes

Box Office (in today’s dollars): 74 million (approximately)

Characters: Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman, Stan Marsh, Kenny McCormick, Sheila Broflovski, Gerald Broflovski, Ike Broflovski, Liane Cartman, Sharon Marsh, Randy Marsh, Shelly Marsh, Carol McCormick, Stuart McCormick, Big Gay Al, Chef, Christophe, Gregory, Mr. Garrison, Mr. Hat, Mr. Mackey, Wendy Testaburger, Terrance, Phillip, Satan, Saddam Hussein, Winona Ryder

Favorite Quote: “I just don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.”

Favorite Scene: Winona Ryder’s ping-pong ball trick

Favorite Character: Eric Cartman

Other need-to-see nineties movies directed by Trey Parker: Cannibal! The Musical

It all starts so innocently when the gang (Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman) go to see Asses of Fire starring Terrance and Phillip. The language, violence, and sex add up quickly over the 81 minutes of this movie … but what did you expect?? Most everyone is here from the show: Chef, Mr. Garrison, Mr. Hat, Mr. Mackey, Big Gay Al, Satan, Saddam Hussein, and even Winona Ryder!! Cartman is my favorite. He’s the worst of the bunch, but he’s the funniest. Speaking of funny: there are many quotes throughout the movie that it was hard to choose just one as my favorite. But like any quote from South Park, you end up laughing at something that is sometimes a terrible … in this case Mr. Garrison’s response of “I just don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.” Yikes.

The heart of this movie is its musical numbers. I could have chosen any of them to be my favorite scene. Terrance and Phillip’s “Uncle Fucka”, Mr. Mackey’s “It’s Easy, M’Kay”, the South Park moms’ “Blame Canada”, Cartman’s “Kyle’s Mom’s a Bitch”, the boys’ “What Would Brian Boitano Do?”, Satan’s “Up There”, Gregory’s “La Resistance”, Big Gay Al’s “I’m Super” … what do I pick?? None. Did you think I wouldn’t choose Winona Ryder’s ping-pong ball trick as my favorite scene?? You don’t know me at all.

I had a hard time deciding if there were any other movies from the nineties directed by Trey Parker that were worth watching. My criteria for this part of the review (and for my previous reviews) was if the movie’s IMDb or Rotten Tomatoes score was similar to the movie I was reviewing. Orgazmo and BASEketball have pretty good followings but their scores are low. Cannibal! The Musical has a good IMDb score but a bad Rotten Tomatoes score. But I feel that it is so ridiculous of a movie (bad or good) that you should watch it at least once.

Next movie to review: American Pie